Jordan's Mind

Update 2

Hey guys, so I thought I should update y'all again.

So, where should I start? Hmm, family I guess. My family still doesn't accept it. And it's been getting worse and worse. They are actually trying to use female pronouns even more than before. Almost every sentence they are calling me a girl and wow, it hurts me. I just, I'm not even sure what to do anymore. I kinda just wish I never came out. 

Speaking of never coming out, I wish I never came out. I wish I was straight. I wish I was totally the gender I was born as. I wish I wasn't alive. I just wish I was a different person entirely. I hate myself, and who I am. I'm not happy. I'm very unhappy in life and I can't figure out why. And school and friends aren't helping the one bit.

Segwaying into friends and school. I have a lot of people at school who consider me a friend but I feel they don't actually like me as a person. I've already lost, 3 or 4 friends within this weekend. And I will admit they were all my fault, but still. I feel like people don't like me. And I also feel like I don't belong at this school. I'm not talented enough to go there. The thing I'm "talented" in is writing, and I can't do that as a major so I practically have no place in this school and just ugh. Because face it: I can't sing. I can't play any instruments. I can't draw. I can't act. I can't work machines well. I can't dance. I'm not smart enough to do academics well. I don't belong here. And it's so stressful knowing that. 

And school, it's so stressful. I've been trying to find ways to come out, which that's failing. And since I'm so goddamn dumb, I can't understand the work. And my anxiety make sit hard for me to ask questions. And just, I hate this school and school in general and hell, I've been asking how I get expelled from this school. That's how much I want out of it. But I can't voice that because everyone just assumes it's because of this one guy, and even though that's a part of it, it's not the total thing. 

I'm just not in a good place right now, and I'm super stressed and I hate it. I just want to disappear forever, but I'm too chicken to do anything and just, ugh. I don't even know anymore guys.

I don't have anything else to comment on. So that's it for my update. I'll check in with y'all before 2015 is over. Love you guys so so so much.