Beautiful Scars

chapter 5

I was an idiot.

I had just realised that I scared off one of the most amazing people in this lifetime. And I probably wasn't getting him back, ever. I couldn't sleep that night at all, but then again I never really did sleep.

So later when I knew Mag was asleep, I got up and took the phone, to text Michael.

"forgive me, I told you I was crazy" I messaged, it was about 1 in the morning so I didn't exactly expect a reply, but I got one anyway,

"you know, I kind of believe you now :) but hey at least I know you're trustworthy" he replied, that made me smile and it made me smile big. Maybe I hadn't scared him off too far.
Then out of nowhere the phone started to ring and my first human reflex was to answer it, so that's what I did,

"I'm sorry" I whispered, I could feel the tears starting to swell up in my eye,

"Don't. I don't what this to be some type of pity party. Now anyway, meet me in the park in five minutes if you are actually as crazy as you make yourself out to be" I could just feel the smile that was lurking on his face by the way he spoke, he was a good guy. What he was doing with me? I don't know. He hung up after that, because he knew I would come anyway.

We didn't know each other at all really, but we got each other. We had from first glance. I got up and I wasn't bothered to change so I just snuck out in what I was wearing.

Luckily Mag's room was upstairs and near the far end of the house; the house was big which totally worked in my favour.
The park was just across the road so it only took me about thirty seconds to get there. As I walked to the centre of the park my mind was in awe. This world was polluted and ruined, but my eyes filled with love as I looked up to see the stars that filled the sky. Each one shining, as if they weren't just forms of gases. And then it hit me, I was not depressed or suicidal because of Coco, it was because of things like this. How something in front of my eyes that seemed so close but yet so faraway made me mad, because I wanted to be there, with the stars shining, getting noticed, for people to look at me with love.

But I was used to not being noticed and people looking at me in disgust so I just pushed the thought away. And that's when Michael appeared. His eyes looked ever so blue with all the moonlight that was shimmering at the top of his face.

He smiled at me, a slight dimple appearing at the corner of his mouth. Something I had not noticed earlier on. I smiled back. I was already laying down, my head to the sky and he joined me, our shoulders skimming one another.

"It's amazing" he said,
"us, we're nothing compared to all of this. Compared to the stars and the galaxies and the planets and the earth we're only as important as an ant. And we've got so much potential to be as amazing as all of this, but we're not. Because we destroy."

"The judgement people place on one another is what destroy's. You know, I used to love religion. The idea of everyone believing in something, being whole it's quite incredulous. But now I hate it, because it doesn't make us whole. People judge one another, every religion judges one another. Hating. Destroying. Crushing. Killing. That gets to me, killing someone, because they don't believe in your God, that's like killing someone because they don't eat the same cereal as you. It's pointless. And I hope every one of those cowards go to hell." I said in a light tone, if there was one person that could help me I knew it was Michael and I knew I could trust him.

"So you don't believe in God? Or a God?" he asked, frowning a little,

"I believe that the earth is in charge of the earth and that the moon is in charge of the moon and that a person is in charge of themselves, but how this is all created? I'm not quite sure and I'm not going to go around saying I do, because my mind wants me to think I do." And it was true, I didn't believe but I didn't not believe, because I didn't know and how could I believe in something I wasn't one hundred percent sure about? I couldn't.

"My God, you're fascinating." he spoke, laughing a little and shaking his head,

"Do I amuse you?" I asked looking at him smiling,

"Unfortunately so" he replied,

"Can I ask you something?" I asked,

"Shoot" he replied,

"Why? Why bother with me?"

"Well why not? It is impossible to avoid oblivion, and it is impossible to avoid sinning, it is impossible to avoid disease and impossible to avoid feelings. So if I can't avoid what hurts me most, then what's the point of trying to?"

I smiled at that, because that was not only inspiring, but it was true.

"Well why make yourself suffer if you don't have to?" I asked,

"I could ask the same question to you" he replied. Which hit me hard.

Why did I make myself suffer so much. We lived in a grievous world. Struggle was found in everyone. Humans were a monstrous kind, ripping the flesh that held us together from one another. Darkness slowly slithering into the souls of what we call 'friends' and 'family'. The only way of surviving this terrorizing struggle was to go with the flow. To fit in. But what if that just made things one thousand times worse, what if the only way to survive was what killed the most? I was mad, utterly and undeniably mad, but like Alice said; all the best people are.

"I, I make myself suffer, because human kind deserves to and I am apart of human kind and I hate it." I whispered, looking away from his face and to the trees that filled the park.

"You may be human, but that doesn't mean you act like one." He said and then he grabbed the palm of my hand and intertwined his fingers in mine. After that we just lay there, staring at the stars. The incredible stars.

As I cleared my mind and I was just starting to feel decent about my life, I heard footsteps walking towards us.

Mag.

"And what in the name of God do you think you're doing?" she asked, she was infuriated. Michael and I just looked at each other. I gave him a quick smile and then let go of his hand and turned to Mag.

"Mag, I feel better. Much better. Thank you for doing this, for caring." I smiled and a sigh left my voice, not because I was relieved or sad, but because I felt fresh and reconstructed. If I did this more often, in a few months I would be a completely different person.

Mag couldn't get mad at me for that so she just smiled, hugged me and told me to get some sleep.

"I don't know what you did kid, but whatever it was, keep at it." I heard her say to Michael and then she walked away catching up with me.
And in that moment, in that slight, short moment I thought that maybe everything would be okay, that I would be okay. Because life was bad, but I made it out to be worse then it really was. I smiled at that thought and then before I knew it, it was morning.