Beautiful Scars

chapter 13

I was reading in bed until Mag walked in. I could instantly feel something was wrong, she had a pitiful look on her face.

"What?" I asked, a tone of worry eclipsing over my voice,

"I have some news. Honey, I need you to try and stay as calm as possible. Please, for me."

I nodded, but I was unsure of what my actions might turn out to be. Coco could always take over and all control of my emotions would be lost.

"Okay, let me start off with the asylum. They need to run some tests on you, it's a yearly thing. Unfortunately, because you are still under their authority and you're not legally an adult you have to obey the rules. If the test results are positive, or at least as they were before - indicating that you only have depression and anxiety then all is fine and you can continue to stay here and live your life." She gave a faint, forced smile. It was pathetic, it made my insides turn. I knew straight away what would happen if my test results weren't good enough, I would be led back right to square one.

I'd be stuck forever.

"And if the results don't pass..." I swallowed fighting back tears, "They officially lock me up again. No more school, no more home, no more Michael." I breathed heavily, oxygen didn't seem to fill my lungs enough. I was gasping for air. I was having a panic attack.
"Michael..." I whispered. I couldn't put him through the pain of watching me leave. I couldn't even handle it myself. My mind was blank and I tried to grab onto anything that would steady me. My vision was blurry and I tried to open my eyes as wide as possible just to be able to see something, anything.

I felt lost, more lost then ever. More stuck then ever. Fragile. More fragile then a baby, more fragile then glass, more fragile then a lost puppy. In that sudden moment I was at my weakest peak. My bones could snap with just a touch. I almost felt death creep up to me, I didn't know what was happening. I thought I was dying. I was peaceful, but yet I had a war going on inside me. No, I wasn't peaceful. Everything around me was.

This is death, I thought. I am dying, I thought.

But I wasn't, because everything seemed to crash down in a second and I was snapped back into reality with Mag looking right at me.

"I don't think I should tell you anything else, you need time before I weigh you down with more news." Mag looked like she was stalling, like she was more scared about herself saying the news rather then me taking it.

"My life can't seem to get any worse, so just fucking say it." I snapped, I shouldn't have snapped at Mag. I wasn't mad at her, I was mad with the world. With my life and how it turned out and that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to escape it.

"Chloe." Her voice was firm, but emotional.

"Sorry, I just can't lose him. Or you." I whispered,

"I know baby girl. I know. But you've been getting better I'm sure the tests will be just fine." she smiled again, this time more certainty was held in it,

"Chloe, honey I need to tell you about your father. I feel so guilty, it is taking over me. You deserve to know about him, but it's a lot to handle. I don't know if you're stable enough." She grabbed my dark as night hair and tucked it behind my ear,

"Just tell me. I need some closure."

She made me a cup of green tea and we sat by the fire place in the living room. It was a cold night. A thunderstorm was busy, the rain was heavy not even an umbrella could keep you half dry. I loved the rain, it calmed me.

"Things were getting tough between your mother and father. He kept visiting you, he cared so much about you. Your mother on the other hand, didn't even want to lay eyes on you. She was appalled that she had raised an 'insane' daughter. She resented you. After a while your mother couldn't stand your father visiting you anymore, he would talk about you all the time and she hated it. She threatened to divorce him if he kept seeing you. He said he would stop, but he didn't. He started seeing you secretly, he didn't get caught for months on end. Then one day your mother found out. I don't know how, but she did. She had just started to drink more frequently, getting drunk every night. Your father came home one night and your mum was very drunk. Out of control drunk.

"She had just heard that your father was still seeing you, she told him if she ever saw him with you again she would kill him and you. Of course she was drunk when she said this, but your father did not take it lightly. He went to see you one more time and that was the day he promised he would come back, the day he told you it wasn't safe. He was so careful not to get caught. But he did. Your mother found out about this secret visit your father made and when he came home she had a gun in her hands. She shot him before he could even walk through the front door. Your father was a good man. And she killed him. She got arrested and they took her to jail. I don't know if she's out or not, I have no idea where she is. And I refuse to look. She was a horrible person, horrible mother. She never deserved you or your dad."

These words sank in so deep I could feel the liquid of my blood pumping so hard it was about to burst. I started crying. Tear after tear. All the memories I had with him flashing over and over. The sad part was I didn't even have many memories with him, my source of his existence was so limited because of her. Because of someone who created me, someone I'm supposed to call family. I wanted revenge, I wanted her dead. I needed to kill her, to watch the life in her being sucked out.

"Chloe I need you to stay calm." What was Mag thinking? Calm? Calm with news like this?

"I think I need to be alone. I'm going for a walk." I got up and opened the front door, as I was about to step out Mag stopped me.

"What are you going to do?" she asked, I think she just wanted to make sure I was safe. I now knew why she was always so careful with me, it wasn't just because of Coco, it was because of my mum. Mag had the fear of me getting killed weighing on her all the time. Which made me even more mad.

"Find out a way to make her pay."