Diary of a Teenage Zombie || ONC 2021

Still Day 1

"Pop quiz, hotshot. You have a trigger-happy, zombie killing machine with a sawn-off shotgun aimed at the back of your head. What do you do? What do you do?!"

By this point, I was literally crapping my pants. Then again, I had eaten a lot throughout the day and what goes in naturally comes out. Afterwards, I felt somewhat relieved, that is until I saw my life flash before my eyes as the barrel nudged my head again.

"Um..."

"Wrong ans-"

"Yippee-ki-yay mother-"

What the?! With my one good eye, I watched the reflection in the window as Mrs Dudley (Derek's mum) came flying through the air; she wrapped her legs around Mr trigger-happy's waist and her teeth sank into his neck. Blood spurted everywhere.

During the struggle as she tried to decapitate him with her teeth, the shotgun went off. Before I could register what was happening, I watched as my ear flew across the room.

F-bomb, F-bomb, F-bomb! I'll try to keep this diary PG 13 in case any kids find it in the future. I'm actually a pretty considerate zombie. Dang, I thought a knife to the eye was bad, but holy moly, losing an ear-it felt like the side of my head was on fire. Oh, and what's up with everyone trying to destroy my senses?

Anyway, I swung around and watched as she went to town on the zombie killer's neck. He just stood there as she took bite after bite-it was really creepy. Although, I couldn't help but admire her determination to eat him down to the bone. But I was not happy about my ear.

"What the hell was that?" My voice came out unnaturally high. Mrs Dudley looked up at me.

"What? I thought we were doing movie quotes. Did I say it wrong?"

Was she serious?

"Look what you did to my ear!"

She frowned at me, her head quirked to the side, then she shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly. She obviously didn't give two shits.

It was at that moment Mr six-foot douche's head dropped to the side with an audible crack and he looked straight at me. His neck had snapped and only some veins and muscle kept his head attached.

"Dammit, now look what you did. He was going to be my after dinner snack. I can't eat the stupid idiot now," Mrs Dudley complained.

"Hey, I can hear you. Wait... why is everything sideways?" Zombie killer piped up.

"He's still fresh, maybe we could have a little nibble?" I suggested.

"Why do you two keep talking as if I'm not standing right here, and by the way I still have a gun and I can still shoot you!"

"Good-luck aiming that thing," I replied.

Mrs Dudley uncrossed her legs and jumped to the floor. "Now, now you two, every Joe Bloggs and his dog are out to blow our brains to smithereens, we need to stick together. I'm Judy, this here is Toby, and who might you be?"

"Moe Clogs, nice to meet you."

"You're kidding, right?" I burst out laughing. Surely he was taking the piss.

"Why, would I joke about it being nice to meet you?" he looked somewhat confused.

Oh, good lord, he really was an idiot! And with the stupidest name I'd ever heard.

"Uh... ok." I frowned.

"Can anyone tell me why everything looks sideways?" he asked again.

I looked at Judy; she looked at me and a smile spread across her face. "Toby, I'm going to need your hands. Let's see if we can get his head back upright."

I thought it was the stupidest idea ever, but Judy seemed pretty determined. So I moved a chair behind him and set to work trying to put his head back on straight.

"Toby, you're not doing it right, try to wedge the bones back together."

"I am! It just doesn't want to go in." Judy and I argued back and forth until I finally got fed up and let go of Moe's head. Unfortunately, with the slight buildup of momentum, the last bits and pieces keeping it attached snapped right in half and his head fell to the floor with a loud thud.

"Oh, shit." My bad.

"Why am I looking sideways at my own feet?"

"We are so sorry, Moe, Toby just dropped your head."

"What the hell am I supposed to do now?"

It was a stupid idea in the first place. But then I came up with one way more brilliant. Leaving the other two bickering, I headed for the garage. After some rummaging, I found what I was looking for. I ran back to the living room, stood in front of them and held out my hand.

"Duct tape, Toby you're a genius."

"So I was thinking, I'll stand on the chair holding Moe's head in place and you run round and round in circles with the handle of the duct tape dispenser in your mouth."

Judy nodded. "It's worth a go. Hold on to your hat, Moe, this could get a little shaky."

So I picked up poor old Moe's noggin off the floor, held it in place, and guided the tape as Judy ran in circles. Once there was a decent amount wrapped around his neck, I gave his head a little jiggle. It held, and I told Judy she could stop running. As soon as she let go of the tape, she stumbled around until she banged into the wall, fell backwards and went head first over the couch.

"I haven't felt this dizzy since I got high off my asthma inhaler back in primary school. My mum had a theory that if I used the whole thing in one go, it would prevent attacks for a few months at least-bless her."

How a lab technician was produced by someone like that is beyond me.

"Hey, guys, what is there to eat around here, I'm starving!" Moe asked.

I looked at Judy rolling around armless on the floor; she stopped and looked up at me. Both of us realising our mistake at the same time.

"Oh, shit!" We shouted in unison.

We looked over at Moe, he'd found some of my leftovers, maybe a finger or a toe, and he popped it into his mouth. He gagged on it a little, but he was obviously hungry enough to keep going, it'd be getting well past its 'best before' by now. Then he swallowed it-well, tried to anyway.

"Guy's, it's not going down."

The poor schmuck, it took him a good ten minutes to figure out what the problem was-we didn't have the heart to tell him. He sat in the corner for a bit, having what looked like an internal struggle. Then with sudden determination, he jumped to his feet, grabbed his gun and stalked over to me. He handed me the gun and kneeled in front of me.

"One bullet straight to the brain, please."

"Are you sure?" I asked. "Maybe we could try to figure something out. Maybe stuff some small bits down your throat and then push it down with a stick. Or maybe we could cut a little hole in the top of your stomach?"

"I'd rather you just put me out of my mis-"

Bang!

He fell back onto the floor as bits of his brain splattered into my mouth. I licked it all up; it was quite tasty.

"Did you have to do it so quickly? You could have let him say a few last words, at least."

I just shrugged. Why draw it out?

"You hungry?" I asked.

Judy looked up at the clock on the wall. "Yeah, I could go for a midnight snack."

"Sounds like a plan."

Word count: 1305