Diary of a Teenage Zombie || ONC 2021

Shit Show Saturday

Well, today ended up being a real shit show! Isn’t it bad enough I’ve had to deal with almost being eaten alive, turned into a zombie, lost an eye, an ear, a hand (kind of), shat myself, had to deal with the grief of losing my best friend and my parents and my new friend Moe, all in the last forty-eight hours. Now I have to deal with a crazed mob of zombie hunters!

While I was writing my last entry, the dicktards snuck into Big Dave’s house. As I stood at the top of the staircase, I could hear muffled male voices. Slowly I inched downstairs, not knowing what to expect. After my last encounter with Moe, I realised I needed to be more vigilant. I was now living in a eat or be eaten world. Well, either that or have my brains blown to smithereens. Mmm brains.

Anyway, back to today’s events. The kitchen was where I left Judy munching on Dave, so as quietly as I could I made my way to the open door and hid just out of sight, trying to listen with my good ear. I’ll have to censor it a little, since the men talking obviously weren’t taught how to behave properly in front of a lady, especially the Judinator. 

“You sick ‘fudge biscuit’!” Someone said rather loudly.

“You sure you don’t want any?” I heard Judy ask. “Despite appearances, he’s rather tasty and there’s plenty to go around.” That made me smile, Judy the comedian, what couldn’t she do?

“Shut the ‘fudge’ up, you freaky looking ‘coconut’.” Tut tut tut, Judy would not be happy with such foul language.

I took a quick peek around the corner with my one good eye. I was pretty sure they were all facing away from the door, with Judy facing towards me. So I looked back and sure enough, they were all surrounding her while she sat on the bench griping Dave’s half-eaten arm between her knees. Damn Judy! She’d made one hella mess. There were bits of Dave all over the walls and cupboards. She really went to town on that poor bastard. 

So anyway, I did a quick head count and there were five guys; they stood in a half circle around her, but wisely kept a safe distance. Too many for us to take, especially with only one good hand between us. And who knows, there could be more outside. 

I ducked back round the corner, then I remembered the gun. Now where did we leave it? Oh, for ‘fudging’ sake, it’s in the freaking kitchen! After another quick glance, I could see it in the corner just out of sight of the men, good. But not close enough for me to get without being noticed, bad.

“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth,” Judy reprimanded the one who called her a ‘coconut’.

“What did you say about my mother? You ‘fudging revolting fudge nut’!”

Oh, no, he didn’t!

“Just that she squealed like a little piggy when I ate her face.” Damn Judy!

“Why you—“

I peeked again just as dicktard number one tried to lunge at Judy. Dicktard number two grabbed him before Judy could set that mouth of hers on him.

“Tsk, tsk,” she said, then readjusted Dave's arm between her knees before biting all his fingers off, leaving only the middle one pointing up in their direction. Judy, you saucy minx!

“Can I please shoot her?!” Dicktard number three piped up. 

“We need to see if we can get any info out of her first,” said number two.

What on earth do they think Judy’s going to tell them, a how-to guide to gnawing one’s arms off? Perhaps step-by-step instructions on how to unsuccessfully duct tape a decapitated head?

“You do know it’s pointless to torture me?” Man, Judy was fearless. And here I was cowering on the other side of the wall.

“Bring her in.” I watched as dicktard number four commanded number five to go outside, only to return moments later with dicktard number six, dragging a lead which was attached to a dog collar that was fitted tightly around some poor girl’s neck. Her hair with fleshy chunks throughout, was dangling down over her face. I wasn’t sure who she was, but one thing I did know—she was one of us.

“Then we’ll just have to find another collar for you, and if you behave yourself and tell us what we want to know, we might even let you have a bite to eat—say once a week? Does that sound fair,” coconut guy said with a smug look of satisfaction. 

“But if you misbehave—” He then pressed a button on a small black remote and zombie girl’s body jerked and shook as he kept his hand on the button.

“You ‘fudging fudgewit’ I’m going to enjoy eating you the most.” I watched as Judy’s eyes blazed. 

“You’re going to smell like burnt toast when I’m finished with you.” He finally released the button and the poor girl fell to her knees, shoulders hunched. 

Don’t do anything stupid, Judy! 

Too late. She jumped to her feet on top of the bench and crouched down low so she could get some decent air. Mid-flight towards the ‘fudging’ coconut man, an ear piercing gunshot rang out. And just like that; judy fell to the floor into a crumpled heap, her blood splattering everywhere, joining Dave’s.

What the ‘fudging fudge fudge fudge’! I was seeing red. That ‘fudging fudge loaf’ was going to get it. They all were. 

But then I saw her. Holy ‘fudge crackers on a stick’ it was Tiffany Evesham from school. She’s like the prettiest girl in my class. Even with the bloody chunks in her hair, or the exposed bone of her upper arm, or the missing teeth, she was still beautiful, maybe even more so than before. She saw me before anyone else and shook her head ever so slightly, her eyes wide.

It took all my strength to stay where I was. But then it hit me—like when I hit dad with that bat. I had a new mission; I was going to save Tiff! Even if it was the last thing I did, she didn’t deserve to be dragged around like some stray dog. And then I’d make those men pay for what they did to Judy!

As they debated over what to do next, I quickly slipped back round the corner and ran out the front door. To my right I saw big agapanthus to hide in, I would watch and listen, follow them and find out their plans. So I waited... and I waited... and I waited some more...

Oh, bloody shit balls, they must’ve gone out the back door!

Word count: 1141