I leaned over Moe’s twitching body to pick up his gun, when I noticed a notepad sticking out of his plaid shirt pocket. And that my friends is how this diary came to be. I grabbed it instead of the gun and had a quick look through, he’d only written on the first couple of pages, it was the locations of suspected zombies. My house was about halfway down the list, with the ones before me crossed out in red ink. Shit, how many others had he eliminated before he got to me? Explains why he was so cocky. Obviously he wasn’t expecting Judy ‘no arms’ Dudley!
“Hey, Toby.”
“Yeah?”
“You know you’ve shat yourself, aye.”
Thanks for reminding me; bloody judy! I looked over at her, my eyes scanning down to witness brownish-red poop oozing out from the bottom of her pant legs. Oh, man, disgusting!
“I was about to have my head blown off,” I said in my defence, “and have you looked in the mirror lately?” I hadn’t realised before, but now on closer inspection, I saw small piles of crap all over my living room floor, like an old incontinent cat leaking runny shit with each step.
“At least I have a good excuse.” She looked down at the bloody stumps where her arms used to be.
“Fair enough, I guess. You know, I never asked how you lost those. Although the last time we were together, you were running after me like a chub cop chasing a big juicy donut.”
“Yeah, sorry about that. You smelt so good, like pizza and hamburgers and roast chicken and barbecue ribs, all rolled into one. You’re lucky you got away, I was ready to go to town on your internal organs.”
“It’s ok, I get it. Can I ask you something though?”
“Sure.”
“What about Derek? Do you regret eating him and not making him like us?”
“Yes, and no. It sucks he had to die like that, but I wouldn’t wish this on him either. He’s actually the reason I no longer have arms. It’s kind of poetic if you think about it.”
“Really? Did he chop them off with a massive samurai sword?” I move my hands like swords, imitating chopping off Judy’s arms.
“What are you on about? No, he somehow tied me to a chair, then went to call the local authorities, leaving me alone. I was so ravenous by that point I ended chewing through my arms just below my shoulders. Now that was a workout!”
“Damn Judy, you’re a machine. Remind me never to get on your bad side.”
“Well, to be honest, you’re doing me a favour, I could do with an extra set of hands,” she said laughing.
We stood there laughing for a good few minutes when something clamped onto my foot. Freaking Moe! His body had crawled about a meter from where he fell, his busted head dragging behind. I looked around the room, my eyes landing the poker by the fireplace. Perfect! Shaking his hand off, I walked away to retrieve said poker.
“Hey, judy, watch this,” I said and flashed her a cocky smile
I then moved out to the hallway, right to the very end, then I turned and started running as fast as I could back towards the lounge. I then jumped up onto the coffee table, my momentum taking me high into the air. Then, with all my might, I shoved the poker through Moe’s middle and into the floorboards.
“Try moving now, you creepy bastard,” I said as a flash of pain surged up my arm.
“Um, Toby,” Judy said, pointing towards my hand.
I lifted it up to have a closer look and to my horror; it was limp and dangling. And surprisingly, the pain had faded and it wasn't sore anymore.
“Oh, shit balls, I think I broke it.”
“Really, ya think?”
Every time I moved my hand it just flopped from side to side, kinda like an empty glove. Luckily it’s just my left, I probably don’t really need it anyway, it’s always been a bit useless.
“Dammit Toby, that leaves one working hand between us. You can’t keep doing stupid shit if you want to survive.”
“Um, hello! Me and Derek used to do stupid shit all the time, and we turned out okay.”
“Did you? We’re going to be dead by the end of the week!”
“Well, technically we’re already dead,” I said, stating the obvious.
She just glared at me.
“Aww, don’t be like that. How about we go get that meal together? My shout.”
“Fine, but I feel like some fat and grease. Shall we go see what big Dave down the street is up to.”
“Judy, you read my mind.” As I went to walk towards the door, she turned to me.
“Toby, grab the gun and some clean pants.” She shook her head. “Bloody teenagers!”
~~~
Lying on big Dave’s bed, after I’d just finished his delicious liver, was when I started recounting the events of my new zombie existence into my new diary. The last day and a bit had been pretty eventful, to say the least. It definitely felt somewhat therapeutic to write. I always thought it was just whiny, emo girls suffering from unrequited love who wrote in diaries. But now I see they were onto something.
Judy’s still munching away on Dave downstairs. That woman is a beast! She just keeps eating like there’s no tomorrow. Which given our new life expectancy, there may very well be no tomorrow. I went to find some solitude while I felt full, almost relaxed even. But I’m not tired—which is weird. It’s like my need to sleep has been replaced by a need to constantly eat. I’m hungry all the time (not as bad as the Judinator), but it’s a crazy hunger, almost all-consuming, except for just after I’ve eaten. That’s when I feel like my old self again. Like right now.
I am really grateful I have Judy, though. Derek and I were best friends. We were both massive idiots, and we always acted like it was us against the world. A couple of loners. So even though he’s gone, I’m lucky to have his mum. She was always good to me; she understood us and never made us feel like we were anything less than awesome. He’d be so proud to see her now, kicking some serious ass with nothing but two spritely legs and a very angry set of teeth. She’s so freaking cool!
I feel a bit sorry for her when I look at her, though. She reminds me of a decrepit half-dead animal that has a million things wrong with it, but you just don’t have the heart to put it down. I offered to change her pants earlier, but she told me if I went anywhere near her zipper, she’d bite my face off. She may look like a run over cat, but when it comes to zombies, looks can be very deceiving.
Shit! I think I heard voices downstairs. I’m going to go check it out...
Word count: 1194
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Diary of a Teenage Zombie || ONC 2021
Humor(Round 3/longlist Ambassador Pick) Open Novella contest 2021 For seventeen-year-old Toby, it's hard enough being a teenager. But then the world went and ended, and he got turned into a member of the undead community. Now his life consists of chasing...
