The Risks

May: Chapter 52

THERE WAS BREAKFAST waiting for me when I woke. Fresh eggs, mixed berries, and a toasted slice of homemade wheat bread with apple butter spread.

And that spread might have been the only thing to coax me out of bed this morning.

There had been a lot of bad days in the past weeks, where the nausea was so bad I would stay in bed all day with a bucket nearby. On those days, Parker would stay in bed with me, rub my back, read softly to me, leaving only long enough to bring meals up to our room.

Thankfully, I hadn't had a bad day for over a week; the nausea had seemed to all but vanish –a turn of events that I couldn't be happier about.

So, no. Getting out of bed this morning wasn't so taxing because it was a bad day, but because I knew it was going to be a hard day. It seemed Parker knew that too, because he was extra patient, his voice and his touches somehow more comforting than usual.

We'd been doing a good job of being grateful for every moment, of accepting the situation we were in, but at this point, it still didn't feel real. It would get harder once there was more proof that this was actually happening. Once my stomach began to round out, once we could feel the baby's movements, once we saw the image on the screen and heard the heartbeat during the ultrasound we had scheduled with Shepard today.

Once it felt really real.

I could tell that Parker was excited –I'd be lying if there wasn't a part of me that was excited too- but the fear and helplessness of uncertainty drowned it out mostly.

It was hard to be accepting when I knew there could be a solution out there somewhere.

But when we went to visit Shepard and the image of our baby came up on that screen, its little heart pumping away and its little legs kicking ferociously, all of the bitterness washed away. I remembered what Hannah had told me and I finally understood. This pregnancy, every second spent with this baby... it was worth it. No matter what came after.

I felt Parker's hand squeeze mine tighter and I turned to see him smiling at the screen, a tear slipping from the corner of his eye. I could see it all there –all the same things I was feeling. The fear, the heartache, the determination. But more pronounced was the indisputable joy. It literally sparkled in his eyes.

His gaze moved to me then and his smile grew broader. And when he brought my hand to his mouth to place a kiss against my knuckles, I felt his lips trembling with emotion. Then he just held my hand against his face with both hands, cradled it there, and nodded to me.

I found myself questioning again: who needed words? Words were clumsy things, never really expressing exactly what it was you needed to say.

But this? His eyes? It was the only language I needed, and it was ours and our alone.

Then he turned his attention to Shepard. "When can we find out the gender?"

"Is that something you want to know?" she asked, glancing between the two of us.

"Yes," I told her while Parker nodded.

"We'll do another ultrasound at the halfway point of your pregnancy to make sure everything is developing as it should. We should be able to tell then." After another long moment, she turned off the machine. "Alright. Well, everything looks great so far. I'll see you two in eight weeks. But if you have any questions or concerns before then, you can come see me any time."

We thanked her, wiping the dampness from our eyes, and as we walked back through the school, I let this new resolve I felt settle warmly in my chest.