The Risks

March: Chapter 48

A/N: Listen, this is a shorter chapter and I'm sorry for that, but I really wanted this scene to stand alone. You guys........ you guys. I think this is my favorite chapter of this entire story. I really hope this gets you in your feelings because IT GETS ME IN MINE. 

It was warmer today than it had been, and as Parker and I paced toward the far side of the barn, I turned my face up to the bright, cloudless sky, allowing the sunlight to seep into my skin. Warm. Welcoming.

I imagined Oakley's face –grinning wildly, eyes brimming with excitement- and the warmth spread beneath the surface, filling my chest. I imagined her voice, overflowing with joy, whispering, You came back.

If not for the large stone protruding from the tall grass, I wouldn't have known where she was. The ground where she was buried had flattened and the grass had grown over, healing the earth's old scar.

"I don't remember that being there," I said, a question in my voice as I glanced at the boulder –a makeshift headstone, although no words or symbols were etched into its surface.

His eyes followed mine. "I put it there after you'd gone back inside. I didn't want to forget where she was, just in case you ever wanted to come back."

I looked up at him, moved a step closer to him and took his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. Thank you, it said.

Then I released him and knelt into the cool grass, him following suit beside me. We sat there together silently, both seemingly absorbed in our own thoughts, our own memories. And after a while, Parker stood and placed his hand on my shoulder.

"I'll just be over by the car. Take your time."

I nodded to him, trying to show him my appreciation for the space with my eyes alone; my voice didn't seem to want to work.

When I no longer could hear his footsteps, I cleared my throat and unclenched my teeth.

"Hey, little bean," I whispered, a tiny smile tickling the corners of my mouth. "It's been a while. A lot's happened since we last talked. We met a lot of great people, lost some of them... almost died a handful of times, of course." I chuckled softly to myself. I must've been insane to be able to laugh at that. "But we found a really great group of people, made a lot of friends. There are even kids there. None as young as you, but still. I wish you could see it."

I looked down at my hands, fidgeting with my ring. "Guess what? Parker's officially your big brother now." I wiggled the fingers of my left hand, absently noticing the way the sunlight caught on the diamonds. "Pretty, isn't it? I still almost don't even want to wear it. I'm so afraid I'll lose it accidentally.

"There's something else, too," I continued, glancing downward and awkwardly placing my hand against my still-flat stomach. "You are going to be an aunt. Can you believe that? Because I still can't. It wasn't exactly intentional, but... I don't know. It's like... I'm happy... but I can't really let myself be happy. Not yet. I know that doesn't make sense." I shook my head softly, thinking about everything that led me to this point. "It's a long story and I don't think you'd like it very much. I'm not sure if the ending is happy or not.

"Let out all the bad, right? Remember how you used to say that? Usually I'd talk to Parker about all this, but... I mean, there's no point really. We both know what will happen either way. Either everything will work out and we'll be fine, or it won't work out and... I'd like to think we'd be okay even if this doesn't end well, but... I just don't know. Will it be too much for us? Will he come to resent me for letting this happen in the first place? I'm just... I guess I'm just afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to lose everything. I've already lost too much.