The Risks

September: Chapter 26

How did we get here?

Before today, I'd thought things couldn't get much harder and that I'd done the worst things imaginable. I'd killed sick people like it was nothing, been too much of a coward to put two people down when it was for the best and I'd killed Andi. But all those things I could justify with morals. There was no coming back for the Ferals. How could I put down Hallie and that boy in the store when killing was wrong? I couldn't refuse Andi's dying wish.

But I never thought I'd be in this position -leading someone into the woods to their planned and orchestrated death.

I'd been naïve. Sooner or later, push comes to shove and you have to start doing the things your brain couldn't even fathom before. The things that can't be justified with morals. The things that you know you have to do, but everything inside you is screaming that it's wrong. The things that really keep you up at night, gnawing and tearing at your soul like a hungry Feral to a fresh corpse.

I knew we'd lose part of our humanity when this was over, but that didn't change the fact that it still had to be done. The risk just wasn't worth taking.

As we set her on her knees in the dirt and I watched Parker's trembling hand, I thought that he must be feeling the same confliction I was. Was a sense of security more important than the epiphany that our sense of self was completely wrong?

I felt tears pricking at my eyes.

Who were we? Was there actually any distinction between good and bad anymore? Or were we all just filled with the same desperate desire to live?

We do what we have to do.

"Do you have any last words?" Parker asked.

Rebecca had been silent and still. I'd almost decided on putting a pillowcase over her head before we left. But then I thought: why? In hopes that it would dehumanize her enough to sooth our confused consciences? So we didn't have to see her face as we shot her down? The truth was that masking her would be cowardly and I'd said long ago that this wasn't that kind of world anymore. I was done making cowardly choices.

Rebecca lifted her head so her eyes could meet Parker's. She didn't cry, she didn't beg. There was no emotion what-so-ever. A crack of thunder in the distance pierced the silence.

"You're really going to go through with it, aren't you?" She asked flatly. "I'm actually kind of surprised. Although... Deacon isn't going to be very happy when he gets here and sees that you've killed his best tracker."

Parker fired instantly, all prior confliction was gone. Blood sprayed from the back of her skull in thick chunks and her head snapped back sickly. And while all this happened, all I could think was: he knows...

Parker stepped away from her dead body, sheathing his weapon.

"He knows where we are," I mumbled. "Doesn't he?"

"Let's go." He nodded for us to start moving back to the house.

Raleigh ignored us as we barged through the door. He was sitting at the kitchen table sulking. I wanted scream at him.

You were wrong, Raleigh! So wrong!

But rubbing the fact that he was wrong in his face wasn't why I wanted to yell at him and shake him until his brain rattled in his skull. I wanted to scream at him because everything was wrong. We'd tried to do what we thought was the right thing and bring Rebecca back to our quiet sanctuary where she'd tried to sell us out. Now we were facing certain death, we had to get out of here fast and he was just sitting there.

Parker and I had packed up the essentials quickly, now we just had to grab as much food and water as possible. When we came back into the kitchen, Raleigh was still sitting in the wooden chair, but now he was watching us warily, the disdain receding from his features.