I Do?

A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

The cold air bites at Harry's face as he sits at a park bench a couple of minutes later. He's changed into a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, but the itch of the clothes from last night still hang around him. 

Harry swears he would be able to see Taylor's blond hair from a mile away. She wears a hoodie that's a couple of sizes too large for her and a pair of black yoga pants. He can tell she's rolled straight out of bed to come, not only from the phone call, but because of her demeanor. Taylor waddles her way over to Harry, her hands wrapped up in the ends of her sweater to keep them warm. 

"What was so important you couldn't say over the phone," Taylor asks bitterly once she's in earshot. Harry pushes his hands deeper into his hoodie pockets as Taylor takes the last of her strides to stand in front of him. 

"I was just lonely," Harry says simply. He glances up at his friend and watches as her expression softens momentarily. 

Taylor doesn't say anything as she takes the spot next to Harry on the bench. He doesn't know why he asked Taylor to come and why it was so important that he saw her in person. So, Harry fixes his gaze on the swaying trees in the distance. 

The presence of Taylor is comforting for Harry as he enjoys the silence the two share. Every now and again, a slight shiver runs down Taylor's back or her teeth chatter, but it's the only thing the fills the silence between the two of them. 

Harry turns to her and admires his friend. She's beautiful, he's decided. Not the kind that you immediately notice, but the kind that comes with getting to know someone. Sure, he thought she was hot when he first saw her chem, but it's different now he decides. When they're together, her smile is from laughing at his jokes (or her own) and her blue eyes brighten with excitement and glee. 

While he admires her, he notices a few locks of blond hair that have fallen out of the bun she wears it in, and Harry instinctively moves to tuck them back in place. His finger lingering on her head for a moment, before pulling it away. Taylor turns to him as he does and their eyes meet. She offers him a small platonic smile and scrunches her nose playfully. Harry doesn't know why he does it, but he's leaning in. 

He kisses her, hoping for her to kiss him back, but she doesn't move. Harry pulls away when he tastes salt between their lips. A look of shock sits in Taylor's blue eyes and Harry turns away in embarrassment. Silent tears fall down his cheeks. 

"Harry, why did you ask me to come here," Taylor questions softly, as if not to startle him. Harry turns back to the trees and pulls as far away from Taylor as he can, mortified at what he's done. 

"I don't know," He admits, a choked sob escaping him as he does. He sniffles loudly and brings a hand up to pathetically wipe the tears from his eyes, but before he can return his hand to his pocket, Taylor grabs it. 

"What's wrong? You can talk to me, Harry." 

Harry doesn't know if it's their hands touching or the genuineness of her voice that causes the words to come tumbling out of his mouth. "I feel so numb." 

Taylor doesn't say anything, so Harry continues, "I feel so alone all the time and I try to make friendships and relationships, but they always fail. Everyone knows me because I sleep around a lot, but it's not working. Every time I have sex I'm just trying to feel something, you know? Like, like maybe if I can fuck this one just right I'll finally understand what everyone is talking about. All of my guy friends go on about how great sex makes them feel and how much pleasure they get from it, but I never do. I don't know if I'm broken or fucked up somehow, I don't know. I don't even know what the point of it is half the time. Sure I can get off and that's nice sometimes, but I feel so empty during it all and trapped in it, I guess." 

Harry notices at the end of his rambling that his whole field of vision is a gray blur. He blinks a couple of times to clear the tears from his eyes and notices his wobbling chin. Surely he looks like a kid crying like this. 

He doesn't even know why it bothers him so much anyway. Harry hates himself for thinking like this, nonetheless, actually expressing it to someone. Everyone and everything have told him that he has to enjoy sex with girls, so why can't he? Why can't he just fuck a girl and feel good while doing it? Why does he overthink all of it, to begin with? None of this happened before Louis came into the picture, and Harry scorns Louis for dragging all of this up. 

"I'm sorry you have to go through that," Taylor replies after a moment. 

"I'm sorry for kissing you like that, it wasn't okay," He adds. Taylor doesn't respond and they continue to sit on the bench in silence. 

The questions, insecurities, and anxieties spiral through Harry's head and it becomes all too much. It's been a while since he's gotten like this, but he still remembers what to do. It's as easy as breathing. 

"Stop having those fits and just shut the fuck up. You're not your sister, so stop your blubbering.  Nobody is going to want to be around you if you keep that shit up." 

His father's words repeat themselves over and over in his head like waves crashing against a rocking ship. With every repetition, Harry feels himself stepping back from his own mind and towards the dark, emptiness he usually locks himself in. The light of self-awareness and his own emotions starts to become far away, before eventually disappearing entirely. 

After a minute, Harry feels Taylor's head on his shoulder. A shiver runs through her body again and he moves closer to help warm her up some. "We're all a little fucked up. If sleeping with people doesn't make you feel better, than maybe don't do it. Hook-up culture is stupid anyway," Taylor sighs. 

"Maybe," Harry murmurs. 

Taylor loops her arms through Harry's and moves closer towards him. Her hair tickles his neck, but he doesn't move. Not a single thought crosses Harry's mind and, after a while, the cold air doesn't even bother him. 

~_~_~

Hey guys! I was gonna post this on Valentine's, but I got distracted playing Minecraft lol. However, I want to thank some of my continuous supports of this work because without yall I really wouldn't have the motivation to write this at all. 

Kara94

Edythcc 

Vanilla_Larry

HS_TPWK_Tommoway

for your comments on the last chapter and

Absolutelyyolo

Nichola06

for your support throughout these updates. I really love seeing y'alls comments and reactions to every chapter and I try to include some opportunities for inline comments. My readers are truly some of the funniest people I know lmfao. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed! ~B