Church: So this it Tucker, this is your little monstrosity. Your little abomination of nature.
The Blues were outside with the Baby alien. It looked up to Tucker.
Tucker: Uh, what do I do?
Church: Why're you asking me?
Tucker: I don't know how to be a dad! This isn't the way I planned it!
Church: You planned this?! Tucker! I had no idea!
Tucker: No-no! I mean I always wanted to have that ideal father-son relationship. You know, I see him for like eight hours every other weekend and send checks to some woman I hate.
Church: I'm starting to agree with Ruby, you've never been in a relationship.
Tucker: Fuck off!
Caboose: It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom.
Church: Alright look, let's leave these two alone. Let 'em do a little bonding.
Tucker: Hey! Don't leave here with him, what am I supposed to say?
Caboose: Ask him if he likes baseball.
Church: It's an alien baby Caboose.
Caboose: Ask him if he likes tee-ball!
Church: Alien Caboose! 'Alien' was the keyword in that sentence!
Tucker: Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start!
Church: Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people, so that they can seduce them and impregnate them. So. . . Why don't you start with that? You know. . . Common ground.
Tucker: Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.
Caboose: Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!
Church: CABOOSE!
*With the Reds*
They had completely buried Sarge.
Grif: So, how much oxygen do you think Sarge has in his suit?
Simmons: Oxygen?
Grif: Yeah, you know, to breathe and stuff.
Simmons: Oh, you know, probably like three hours depending on his level of activity.
Grif: He's buried six feet underground! I don't think he's got much chance for activities!
Simmons: Well, I don't think you're an authority!
Grif: An authority? We didn't even use a coffin! We just threw a bunch of dirt on him!
Simmons: No, I threw a bunch of dirt on him. You two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!
Grif looked at his sister.
Grif: You know that trick?
Kaikaina: I learned from the best!
Simmons: Well, as your new comm-
Grif: Actually, Ruby's the commander. I'm the only one who voted, so she's it by default.
Simmons: She DOESN'T even have a RANK!
He took out Sarge's shotgun!
Simmons: I'm commander!
Grif: Hey Simmons? I don't think Sarge is gonna like you picking up his shotgun. And I really don't think he's going to like you threatening me with it. I doubt Ruby would either.
Simmons: As the new leader, what I say goes! Both of you, laps around the base now!
Grif: But what about Sarge? We should probably dig him up.
Simmons: You heard what command said! Sarge is dead. He died of- wait. What did he die of?
Kaikaina: Aspirin Overdose.
Simmons: See? Sarge is dead of a. . . an aspirin overdose, really?
Kaikaina: I know! I didn't think it was possible! And trust me, I've tried!
Simmons: Yeah, wait. . . what?
Grif: Simmons, don't be stupid! He's not dead! He's just lying underground covered in dirt!
Simmons: If I say he'd dead, then he's dead! I'm the leader me!
Grif: You must be insane if you think I'll take orders from you. You have literally gone blind with imaginary power Simmons.
Simmons: Oh ho ho! On the contrary, I think I've gone blind with very real power!
Kaikaina: On second thought, I don't find him being scary hot anymore.
Simmons: Both of you, shut up! You're running! I'm calling Red command for confirmation!
Kaikaina: Why are you calling Red command?
Simmons: FOR CON-FIR-MAT-ION! Stop asking questions!
Kaikaina: You keep talking about them! Why don't you call our guys?
Grif: Our guys?
Kaikaina: Yeah, the Blue guys.
And Kaikaina Grif was a Blue, except in yellow armor.
Simmons: Excuse me, the wazz-awa?
Kaikaina: The Blue guys! The guys that sent me here! In the big ship!
Simmons: Grif?
Grif: Uh, yeah, this might be a bad time to bring up the fact that my sister is colorblind.
Simmons: WHAT?!
Kaikaina: I don't get it! What's that gray guy so upset about?
Simmons: But girls can't be colorblind!
Kaikaina: Yeah, well they says girls can't ejaculate either, but guess what!
Grif: Yeah! Wait- What?!
Simmons: I can't believe it! With such a simple espionage plan, the Blues have decimated our forces. Quick! Quick! Get me a shovel! Oh, Sarge is gonna be pissed!
Grif: Hey Simmons? If she's not here for Sarge, who the hell is she here to replace?
*Beneath the Canyon*
In the giant cave system, Donut groaned as he gained consciousness.
Donut: Agh, what happened? Where am I?
He began to wander. . . .
Donut: Oh, maybe they know.
It was the old bodies of Tex and Church. . . .
Donut: But it might be rude to wake them up. I'll just wait here a while.
YOU ARE READING
Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season Five
FanfictionRed Vs Blue, but with a twist! Ruby and Tex chased down Wyoming, but upon returning to Blood Gulch, they realized they had a lot to catch up on. . . Tucker has to deal with being a father, Grif has to deal with the arrival of his sister, The Reds ha...
