[Albert Embankment]
(On the south side of the River Thames in London, across from Thorney Island and the Houses of Parliament, a crowd is gathered as Big Ben chimes three o'clock and a dinosaur roars at it.)
POLICEMAN: Come on, out of the way. Move yourself, please. Coming through. That's it. Excuse me, sir.
(A trio are escorted through the crowd to a police Inspector.)
GREGSON: Madame Vastra, thank God. I'll wager you've not seen anything like this before.
VASTRA: Well, not since I was a little girl.
JENNY: Big fella, isn't he?
VASTRA: Dinosaurs were mostly this size. I do believe it's a she.
JENNY: No, they weren't, I've seen fossils.
VASTRA: I was there.
GREGSON: Well, that's all well and good, but what's this dinosaur fellow doing in the Thames?
(The Tyrannosaurus Rex is pacing and bellowing in the river, and still standing taller than the Elizabeth Tower, then known simply as the Clock Tower because of the four clock faces and Big Ben housed within it. That makes the creature well over 315 feet or 96 metres tall. Naturally, the crowd screams.)
VASTRA: It must have time travelled. Jenny?
(Jenny holds up a hand-scanner, which is part of her glove.)
GREGSON: Time travelled?
(The dinosaur tries to cough something up.)
JENNY: Is it choking?
VASTRA: There seems to be something lodged in its throat.
JENNY: How could it time travel?
VASTRA: I don't know. Perhaps it was something it ate.
(The dinosaur manages to dislodge the obstruction in its throat, and a small blue box with a light on top flies out of its mouth to land right way up on the riverbank below the crowd.)
GREGSON: Stand back. Stand back, stand back.
(He pushes his way forward to a better vantage point.)
GREGSON: Well, it's just laid an egg.
VASTRA; It's dropped a blue box marked Police out of its mouth. Your grasp of biology, it troubles me.
JENNY: It's the Tardis.
VASTRA: It would seem so.
JENNY: We'll take care of this, Inspector.
GREGSON: But what if that thing goes on the rampage?
(Vastra takes balls with three legs out of a sack.)
VASTRA: Place these lanterns on the shoreline and bridges, encircling the creature at twenty foot intervals.
GREGSON: What will they do?
VASTRA: They will emit a signal that will incline it to remain within their circumference. Jenny, Strax. With me.
(They go down the stone stairs to the river bank.)
JENNY: So it's him, then, the Doctor?
VASTRA: A giant dinosaur from the distant past has just vomited a blue box from outer space.
[River bank]
VASTRA: This is not a day for jumping to conclusions. Strax, if you wouldn't mind?
(Strax knocks on the Tardis door. It is smeared with sputum from its previous location.)
STRAX: Hello? Exit the box, and surrender to the glory of the Sontaran empire.
(A tall grey-haired man opens the door and looks out. Smoke comes out as well.)
DOCTOR: Shush.
(He shuts the door again.)
STRAX: Doctor?
(The door opens again.)
DOCTOR: I was being chased by a giant dinosaur, but I think I managed to give it the slip.
(The door shuts again, then is opened slowly.)
DOCTOR: Sleepy?
STRAX: Sir?
DOCTOR: Bashful? Sneezy? Dopey? Grumpy.
(Then he sees the two women and walks towards them.)
DOCTOR: Oh, you two. The green one and the not-green one. Or it could be the other way round, I mustn't prejudge.
(Clara appears, very dishevelled. She is wearing a black fitted jacket with an 'outline of bow tie' motif and tartan mini-kilt.)
DOCTOR: Oh, you remember, er. Thingy. The, er, the not-me one. The asking questions one. Names not my area.
CLARA: Clara. and Isabella
DOCTOR: Well, it might be Clara and Isabella Might not be. It's a lottery.
Isabella : It is Isabella and she's Clara.
DOCTOR: Well, I'm not ruling it out.
(The dinosaur bellows.)
DOCTOR: Oi, big man, shut it. Oh, you've got a dinosaur too. Big woman, sorry.
CLARA: Doctor, listen to me. You, you need to calm down.
DOCTOR: (to dinosaur) I'm not flirting, by the way.
Isabella : I think something's gone wrong.
DOCTOR: Wrong? What's gone wrong? Have you regenerated? (to Isabella ) I remember you. You're Handles. You used to be a little, a little robot head, and now you. You've really let yourself go.
(The dinosaur bellows again.)
DOCTOR: Reduce the frequency.
Isabella : I'm sorry?
DOCTOR: Your sonic lanterns, turn them down. You're giving her a headache.
JENNY: Giving who a headache?
DOCTOR: My lady friend. Just an expression, don't get any ideas.
STRAX: How do you know?
DOCTOR: Come on, Clara. Isabella You know that I speak dinosaur.
CLARA: He's not Clara. I'm Clara.and Isabella is not handles
DOCTOR: Well, you're very similar heights. Maybe you should wear labels? Why, why are you all doing that? Why are you? You're all going dark and wobbly. Stop that.
CLARA: I don't think we are.
DOCTOR: Never mind. Everyone take five.
(The Doctor closes his eyes, sways, then falls over.)
Isabella : What do we do?
JENNY: I don't understand. Who is he? Where's the Doctor?
CLARA: Right here. That's him. That's the Doctor.
VASTRA: Well then, here we go again.
YOU ARE READING
The Story of an Idiot with a Box (Series 8) Doctor Who
ActionThe series is the first to star Peter Capaldi as the Twelfth Doctor, an alien Time Lord who travels through time and space in his TARDIS, which appears to be a British police box on the outside. It also stars Jenna Coleman Zoë Lewis as his companio...
