The Story of an Idiot with a Box (Series 8) Doctor Who

Deep Breath Pt 4

[Westminster Bridge]

(The Doctor dismounts and stands on the parapet over the burning remains, muttering to himself.)
DOCTOR: (sotto) Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.
(Strax brings the carriage to a halt behind him, and the ladies get out.)
STRAX: Whoa.
JENNY: The Doctor.
CLARA: What's he doing here?
(Vastra secures her carriage using the remote control in her hat.)
VASTRA: There is trouble. Where else would he be?
DOCTOR: She was scared. She was scared and alone. I brought her here and look what they did.
VASTRA: Who or what could have done this thing?
DOCTOR: No.
VASTRA: I'm sorry?
DOCTOR: No. That is not the question. That is not where we start.
STRAX: The question is how. The flesh itself has been combusted.
DOCTOR: No, no, shut up. What do you all have for brains, pudding? Look at you. Why can't I meet a decent species? Planet of the pudding brains.
CLARA: Doctor, I know you're upset, but you need to calm down and talk to us. What is the question?
DOCTOR: A dinosaur is burning in the heart of London. Nothing left but smoke and flame. The question is, have there been any similar murders?
VASTRA: Yes. Yes, by the Goddess, there have.
DOCTOR: Look at them all, gawking.
DOCTOR: Question two. If all the pudding brains are gawking, then what is he?
(One man is walking away calmly.)
VASTRA: He seems remarkably unmoved by the available spectacle.
Isabella : Do you think that is whoever
(There is a splash. The Doctor is no longer standing on the parapet.)
CLARA: What he's doing? He'll drown.
VASTRA: I very much doubt it.
Isabella : Why?
VASTRA: There has been a murder. The Doctor has taken up the case. If we are to see him again, we must do the same.

[Clara's bedroom]

(Next day. Clara pours water into a bowl on her washstand.)
STRAX [OC]: Come on, Earthling scum. Position it here. Easy now. That's it. Careful.
(She opens the window onto the courtyard. A cart has brought the Tardis from the river bank.)
STRAX: Don't get it scratched or you and all your bloodline will be obliterated from time and space.
FOOTMAN: Very good, sir.
(Isabella  leans out.)
Isabella : Strax!

[Courtyard]

STRAX: Ah! Morning, Miss Isabella . You're awake at last.
Isabella : You got the Tardis, then?
STRAX: Military tactics. The Doctor is still missing, but he will always come looking for his box. By bringing it here, he will be lured from the dangers of London to this place of safety, and we will melt him with acid.
Isabella : Okay, that last part?
STRAX: And we will not melt him with acid. Old habits. The Times. Shall I send it up?
Isabella : Yeah, why not?
STRAX: Hah!
(He throws the rolled-up newspaper, hitting her squarely between the eyes and knocking her down.)

[Staircase]

(Clara and Isabella  are dressed and coiffured in the late Victorian style. She meets Jenny coming up the stairs.)
CLARA: Jenny.
JENNY: Ah, good morning, Isabella  Clara.
CLARA: Morning. Er, so, what are we going to do? Are we looking for the Doctor?
JENNY: We've got the Paternoster Irregulars out in force. If anyone can find him, they can. Meanwhile, Madam Vastra is slightly occupied by the Conk-Singleton forgery case, and is having the Camberwell child poisoner for dinner.
Isabella : For dinner?
JENNY: After she's finished interrogating him. Probably best to stay out the larder. It'll get a bit noisy in there later.
CLARA: Oh.

[Kitchen]

(Strax is mopping the floor.)
STRAX: Ah, Miss Clara. and Isabella You look better now you're up.
Isabella : Thank you, Strax.
STRAX: Oh, sorry. Trick of the light. You still look terrible. Can I get you anything?
CLARA: Er, no, thanks. Maybe just some water.
STRAX: Of course.
(He puts the mop bucket on the table.)
STRAX: Well, don't hold back. I've nearly finished anyway.
Isabella : Er.
STRAX: It's perfectly all right. I washed in it myself.
CLARA: All of a sudden, I'm not very thirsty.
STRAX: Really? Perhaps it is time, then.
(He takes out a monocle like device with three lenses, and shines a green light into her eye.)
STRAX: For your mandatory medical examination. Say ah.
Isabella : Ah.
STRAX: You didn't move your lips.
CLARA: You're looking at my eye.
STRAX: Oh. Oh yes, there we are. Easy mistake.
(He aims the light at her forehead.)
STRAX: Now that's interesting.
Isabella : What? What's interesting?
STRAX: Deflected narcissism. Traces of passive aggressive. And a lot of muscular young men doing sport.
CLARA: What are you looking at?
STRAX: Your subconscious. Is that sport? It could be sport.
(She flicks down the lens.)
Isabella : Well, stop looking.
STRAX: Moving onto the thorax, such as it is.
(The green light makes Clara's ribcage visible.)
STRAX: Ah, excellent. Enviable spleen. Well done. Twenty seven years old, with a projected lifespan of exactly
CLARA: Stop right there.
STRAX: Oh, you're going to do quite well. But watch out for fluid retention later. It's going to be spectacular. Well, put your clothes back on.
Isabella : They are on.
STRAX: Oh yes, so they are.
(She takes his scanner from him and puts it on the table.)
CLARA: Why are you doing this?
STRAX: If we are to serve together, I need you in peak physical prowess, eh?
(Strax punches Isabella's arm.)
Isabella : Ow. Why would we be serving together? The Doctor's going to come back, isn't he?
STRAX: It is to be hoped.
CLARA: He's not just going to abandon me here.
STRAX: You must stop worrying about him, my boy. By now, he's almost certainly had his throat cut by the violent poor.

[Alleyway]

(Bermondsey, I'd say. Near the Clink and Southwark Cathedral. The Doctor, still in his now very dirty nightshirt, is rummaging in the rubbish. He is watched by a smelly tramp in a thick coat, who is holding a beer bottle. The Doctor finds a broken mirror. He turns at the sound of the tramp throwing away his bottle. For those who like trivia, the tramp is played by Elisabeth Sladen's widower.)
DOCTOR: Bitey. The air, it's bitey. It's wet, and bitey.
BARNEY: Oh, it's cold.
DOCTOR: That's right. It's cold. It's cold, I knew it was a thing. I need um, I need clothes. I need clothes, that's what I need. And a big, long scarf. No, no, move on from that. Looked stupid. Er, have you seen this face before?
BARNEY: No.
DOCTOR: Are you sure?
BARNEY: Sir, I have never seen that face.
DOCTOR: It's funny, because I'm sure that I have. You know, I never know where the faces come from. They just pop up. Zap. Faces like this one. Come on, look at it, have a look, come on, look, look, look.
(The Doctor pulls Barney over to look in the mirror on the ground.)
DOCTOR: Look, it's covered in lines. But I didn't do the frowning. Who frowned me this face? Do you ever look in the mirror and think I've seen that face before?
BARNEY: Yes.
DOCTOR: Really? When?
BARNEY: Well, every time I look in the mirror.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, yes, yes. Fair enough. Good point. My face is fresh on, though.
BARNEY: Er
(Barney moves away from the nutter in the nightshirt.)
DOCTOR: Why this one? Why did I choose this face? It's like I'm trying to tell myself something. Like I'm trying to make a point. But what is so important that I can't just tell myself what I'm thinking?
BARNEY: Er
DOCTOR: I'm not just being rhetorical here. You can join in.
BARNEY: I don't like it.
DOCTOR: What?
BARNEY: Your face.
DOCTOR: Well, I don't like it either. Well, it's all right up until the eyebrows. Then it just goes haywire. Look at the eyebrows. These are attack eyebrows. You could take bottle tops off with these.
BARNEY: They are mighty eyebrows indeed, sir.
DOCTOR: They're cross. They're crosser than the rest of my face. They're independently cross. They probably want to secede from the rest of my face and set up their own independent state of eyebrows. That's Scot. I am Scottish. I've gone Scottish?
BARNEY: Oh yes, you are. You are definitely Scots, sir. I, I 'ear it in your voice.
DOCTOR: Oh no, that's good. Oh.
(He practices the long rolling Scottish 'oh' sound.)
DOCTOR: It's good I'm Scottish. I'm Scottish. I am Scottish. I can complain about things, I can really complain about things. Now, give me your coat.
BARNEY: No.
DOCTOR: I am cold.
BARNEY: I'm cold.
DOCTOR: I'm cold. There's no point in us both being cold. Give me your coat. Give me your coat. No, wait. Shut up, shut up. Shut up. I missed something. It was here, it was here. It was. What was it I saw? What did I see?
(He pick up an old newspaper.)
DOCTOR: This is what I saw. Spontaneous combustion.
(Fourth case of spontaneous combustion. The death of Margaret Roberts occurred on Friday, outside her home address in London, in what the police are describing as a curious case of spontaneous combustion. She was aged 68 years. Born in Scotland, Mrs Roberts etc, etc.)
BARNEY: What devilry is this, sir?
DOCTOR: I don't know, but I probably blame the English.