[By a stream]
(The birds are singing, and a long tree trunk has been placed across the stream to act as a bridge. The Tardis materialises slightly up the slope and the Doctor steps out.)
DOCTOR: No damsels in distress, no pretty castles, no such thing as Robin Hood.
(An arrow slams into the Tardis next to him. A figure in dressed in Lincoln Green pops up from behind a tree trunk on the other side of the stream.)
ROBIN: You called? (and winks.) Very, very nicely done with the box, sir. I saw a Turk perform something very similar at Nottingham Fayre.
(The Doctor pulls the arrow out, and the hole vanishes.)
ROBIN: It's a trick with mirrors, no doubt?
DOCTOR: A trick?
ROBIN: A good jest. Ha, ha!
DOCTOR: This is not a trick. This is a Tardis.
ROBIN: Whatever it is, you bony rascal, I'm afraid I must relieve you of it.
DOCTOR: It's my property, that's what it is.
ROBIN: Well, don't you know all property is theft to Robin Hood?
(Robin stands in the middle of the 'bridge' without his bow and arrows.)
DOCTOR: You're not serious.
ROBIN: I'm many things, sir, but I'm never that. Robin Hood laughs in the face of all. Ha, ha, ha.
DOCTOR: And do people ever punch you in the face when you do that?
ROBIN: Not as yet.
DOCTOR: Lucky I'm here then, isn't it?
(Isabella comes out of the Tardis, dressed in a red medieval-style dress, with long cut-away sleeves and a thin girdle around her hips. There is also a silver rope across her forehead that stays in place as if glued there.)
Isabella : Might be a little bit much, but what do you reckon, Doctor?
ROBIN: By all the saints. Are there any more in there?
CLARA: Is that?
DOCTOR: No.
Isabella : Oh, my God. Oh, my God! It is, isn't it? You found him. You actually found Robin Hood.
(Clara and Isabella goes very girlish and giggly.)
DOCTOR: That is not Robin Hood.
ROBIN: Well then, who, sir, is about to relieve you of your magic box?
(Robin draws his long sword. The Doctor walks onto the bridge.)
DOCTOR: Nobody, sir. Not in this universe or the next.
ROBIN: Well then, draw your sword and prove your words.
DOCTOR: I have no sword. I don't need a sword.
(The Doctor opens his coat and turns to prove it.)
DOCTOR: Because I am the Doctor.
(He dons a gauntlet.)
DOCTOR: And this is my spoon. En garde!
(They trade thrusts and parries. The spoon stands up to the sword very well. The Doctor hits Robin on the back of the neck as he passes him.)
ROBIN: Ow!
CLARA: You're amazing.
DOCTOR: I've had some experience. Richard the Lionheart. Cyrano de Bergerac. Errol Flynn. He had the most enormous
Isabella : Ahem.
DOCTOR: Ego.
CLARA: Takes one to know one.
(The Doctor slaps Robin's backside.)
ROBIN: Oh, you.
(And retaliates by cutting a button off the Doctor's coat. So the Doctor holds his arms wide open and Robin lunges with his sword. The Doctor deflects it and does a little turn so that he and Robin are back to back on the trunk. Then he sticks out his bottom and pushes Robin into the water. Splash!)
Isabella : Doctor!
(The Doctor polishes his spoon.)
DOCTOR: Like I said. My box.
CLARA: Doctor?
(They look into the water. Robin is not visible. Because he pops up behind the Doctor and pushes him into the water. Clara and Robin laugh.)
YOU ARE READING
The Story of an Idiot with a Box (Series 8) Doctor Who
ActionThe series is the first to star Peter Capaldi as the Twelfth Doctor, an alien Time Lord who travels through time and space in his TARDIS, which appears to be a British police box on the outside. It also stars Jenna Coleman Zoë Lewis as his companio...
