The Story of an Idiot with a Box (Series 8) Doctor Who

Robot of Sherwood Pt 4

[Archery ground]

(We are shown Caerphilly Castle with its artificial lakes, which was built from 1268 onwards. Nottingham Castle is built on castle rock by the river with the city around it. The contest is taking place in the central ward.)
HERALD: In the contest for the golden arrow, after ten rounds, the battle is betwixt our Lord Sheriff
(Obligatory cheers from the crowd.)
HERALD: And the stranger known as Tom the Tinker.
(Robin in a wide-brimmed leather hat gets a rousing reception.)
SHERIFF: Perhaps not such a stranger after all.
HERALD: Take your places.
ROBIN: Shall we make the contest a little more interesting, my Lord? The targets seem a little close. What say you? Another twenty paces?
SHERIFF: Why not?
(The central target is moved back. The Sheriff fires his black arrow into the middle of the bulls-eye.)
SHERIFF: Now, Tinker. Let us see thy true face.
(Robin's white-fletched arrow splits the Sheriff's.)
HERALD: Ye Gads! He has split the arrow! Truly, he is the finest archer in all England. Come forward, Tinker. And claim your prize.
(But before Robin can take the prize, an arrow with multicoloured feathers splits his own. It is the Doctor's.)
LITTLE JOHN: He's full of surprises, isn't he?
DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor. My skills as a bowman speak for themselves. I claim my reward.
(The Herald kneels and the Doctor takes the prize.)
DOCTOR: A mere bauble.
(He throws it away in the general direction of the Merry Men.)
DOCTOR: I want something else.
SHERIFF: Name it.
DOCTOR: Enlightenment.
(Robin splits the Doctor's arrow. The crowd roars. The Doctor's next arrow ricochets off a guard's armour to split Robin's. Robin retaliates by not even looking when he looses his missile.)
DOCTOR: This is getting silly.
(The Doctor points his sonic screwdriver at the target, and it explodes in a ball of flame.)
SHERIFF: Fascinating. Seize him!
(The three knights draw their swords. Clara takes what looks like an anachronistic halberd from a rack and tries to swing it. It is too heavy for her.)
DOCTOR: What are you doing? Put that down.
CLARA: I'm fine. I take Year Seven for after school Tae Kwon Do.
ROBIN: Don't worry, Doctor. I'll save you.
DOCTOR: I don't need saving.
ROBIN: Your honour is safe.
DOCTOR: I know.
ROBIN: For I am Robin.
(He removes his hat and every one cheers.)
ROBIN: Robin Hood!
(Robin severs one of the knights' arms. It falls to the ground and sparks a bit.)
VOICE [OC]: Witchery! Witchery!
(The Doctor picks the arm up.)
DOCTOR: Robot.
(The knight's visor opens to reveal a metal face. A violet light shines in a cross pattern from between its eyebrows.)
DOCTOR: Now we're getting somewhere.
SHERIFF: Take them. Kill the rest. Kill them all!
(The robot knights fire energy bolts from their foreheads.)
DOCTOR: He surrenders!
ROBIN: What?
DOCTOR: Hai!
(The Doctor uses Venusian aikido to knock Robin's sword out of his hand.)
ROBIN: You miserable cur. I had them on the run. Flee, lads, flee! Live to fight another day!
TUCK: Come on!
(The Merry Men run for their lives.)
SHERIFF: To the dungeons with all of them.
Isabella : What are you up to?
DOCTOR: Quickest way to find out anybody's plans, get yourself captured.

[Castle]

(Somewhere with little lighting and a high roof. There are screams somewhere and a giant bubbling crucible. A man carrying a bucket collapses on the floor.)
QUAYLES WARD: Here, let me help you.
WALTER: Thank you, Lady.
(A knight looks at them, visor open.)
QUAYLES WARD: What are you? Gargoyle, what are you?
KNIGHT: Leave it.
QUAYLES WARD: He only needs to rest. We all need to rest.
KNIGHT: Analysis shows that peasant creature is spent.
QUAYLES WARD: No. No, please.
KNIGHT: Usefulness expired.
WALTER: No. No! No!
(A violet energy beam turns him into a smoking pile of rags.)
QUAYLES WARD: Damn you! Damn you and that villain the Sheriff!

[Dungeon]

(A skeleton is sitting up against a stake fastened into the floor of the stone chamber. A single cross slit illuminates the room. Our three heros chained together, with the chains running through large hoops set into stones in the floor. Robin is on the left as we look at them, then the Doctor,  Isabella then Clara..)
ROBIN: Splendid. Enchained.
CLARA: Yep.
ROBIN: Trussed up like turkey-cocks. Thanks to your friend.
DOCTOR: Shut it, Hoodie. I saved your life.
ROBIN: I had the situation well in hand.
DOCTOR: Long-haired ninny versus robot killer knights? I know where I'd put my money.
ROBIN: If you had not betrayed me, I would have been triumphant.
DOCTOR: You would have been a little puff of smoke and ashes.
ROBIN: Oh, ha!
DOCTOR: You'd have been floating around in tiny little laughing bits in people's goblets.
ROBIN: Balderdash. Ha!
DOCTOR: Oh, right, here we go. It's laughing time.
ROBIN: Well, you amuse me, grey old man.
DOCTOR: Guard! He's laughing again! You can't keep me locked up with a laughing person.
ROBIN: Oh, I find that, I find that quite funny. Do you know, I feel another laugh coming on. A-ha-ha-ha!
DOCTOR: Guards, I cannot remain in this cell. Execute me now.
ROBIN: You heard him. Execute the old fool.
DOCTOR: No, hang on. Execute him.
ROBIN: I do not fear death, so execute away.
DOCTOR: Execute him. I'd like to see if his head keeps laughing when you chop it off!
ROBIN: Oh, Robin Hood always laughs in the face of death.
DOCTOR: Yes, rolling around the floor laughing, I would pay good money to see that.
DOCTOR + ROBIN: Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard!
Isabella : Oh, you two, shut up! Do either of you understand, in any way at all, that there isn't actually a guard out there?
DOCTOR: Oh.
ROBIN: I did, in fact.
DOCTOR: No, you didn't.
CLARA: I said, shut up. The Doctor and Robin Hood locked up in a cellar. Is this seriously the best that you can do? You're determined to starve to death in here squabbling.
ROBIN: Well, I'll tell you one thing. I'd last a lot longer than this desiccated man-crone.
DOCTOR: Really?
ROBIN: Really.
DOCTOR: Well, you know what? I think you'll find I have a certain genetic advantage. Oh!
(Isabella has yanked on the chain attached to his wrist.)
CLARA: It is not a competition about who can die slower.
DOCTOR: It would definitely be me, though, wouldn't it?
Isabella : There was supposed to be a plan. Do either of you two have a plan?
DOCTOR: Yeah, of course I have a plan.
ROBIN: I too have a plan.
CLARA: Okay. Robin, you first.
DOCTOR: Why him?
Isabella : Doctor, shut up. Robin, your plan.
ROBIN: I am biding my time.
CLARA: Thank you, Prince of Thieves. Last of the Time Lords?
DOCTOR: Yes, I have a plan.
Isabella : Can you explain your plan without using the word sonic screwdriver? Because you might have forgotten the Sheriff of Nottingham has taken your sonic screwdriver, just saying. It's always the screwdriver.
DOCTOR: Okay, let, let, let, let's hear Robin's plan first.
CLARA: Oh, for God's sake.
(The door is unlocked.)
ROBIN: See? There was a guard. There was guard listening the whole time, I knew it. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
(The guard is a man with no teeth left, just rotted stumps.)
GUARD: The Sheriff himself commanded me to listen, to find out which of you is the true ringleader.
DOCTOR: Ah, so he can do the interrogating. Very wise.
ROBIN: Excellent. He will get nothing from me.
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. no. He will get nothing from me, because interrogation, that's where I always turn the tables. You see, that's my plan.
ROBIN: Just hurry up and take me to him.
DOCTOR: No, no, chop-chop, come on.
(The guard unfastens Clara's chains.)
CLARA: Seriously.
GUARD: Come on.
DOCTOR: No.
ROBIN: What are you doing?
DOCTOR: Don't be ridiculous!
(The door slams shut and is locked.)