The Story of an Idiot with a Box (Series 8) Doctor Who

Deep Breath pt 5 Finale!

[Vastra's chamber]

(Vastra is working at a large wood backed panel on an easel while Jenny holds an awkward pose in her corset and a shawl.)
VASTRA: Hmm. Spontaneous combustion.
JENNY: Is that like love at first sight?
VASTRA: Hmm. A little. It is the theory that human beings can, with little or no inducement, simply explode.
JENNY: You don't need to flirt with me. We're already married.
VASTRA: It's scientific nonsense, of course.
JENNY: Marriage?
VASTRA: Hush. There have been nine reported incidents of people apparently exploding in the last month.
JENNY: And you think they weren't spontaneous.
VASTRA: I think whoever killed the dinosaur had at least nine previous victims. All of these perished in the same spectacular fashion.
(Vastra turns the easel to reveal newspaper cuttings, a map of London, and lines linking them up.)
JENNY: I thought you were painting me.
VASTRA: I was working.
JENNY: Well, why am I posing then?
VASTRA: Well, you brighten the room tremendously. Chin up a little.
JENNY: Oh, I don't understand why I'm doing this.
VASTRA: Art? Now, why destroy the victims so completely? It's difficult, it draws attention. What advantage is to be gained?
JENNY: Well, tell us, then.
VASTRA: Concealment, perhaps.
JENNY: Concealment?
VASTRA: It's a fanciful theory, but it fits the facts. By destroying the body so completely, you conceal what is missing from it.
JENNY: Missing from the body?
CLARA [OC]: Madame Vastra!
(A happy Clara and Isabella  bursts into the room.)
VASTRA: Clara,Isabella  excellent. Pop your clothes on that chair there.
CLARA: Look.
(Clara shows Vastra the Times newspaper.)
VASTRA: Advertisements, yes. So many. It's a distressing modern trend.
Isabella : No, look. Look.
(One advert in the personal column says - Impossible Girl and the Girl who waited. Lunch on the other side?)
JENNY: Ma'am?
VASTRA: The game is afoot. We're going to need a lot of tea.
(Vastra rings the bell. Later, Strax is pouring it out.)
VASTRA: There appears to be nothing of significance in the rest of the newspaper. Not even in the agony column.
JENNY: We can't know it's from the Doctor.
CLARA: Of course it's from the Doctor. The Impossible Girl, and the Girl who waited  that's what he calls us. 
VASTRA: He says lunch, but not when or where?
JENNY: On the other side? The other side of London? Bit vague.
VASTRA: The other side of regeneration, perhaps, once he's recovered?
Isabella : So what am I supposed to do, guess where we're meeting?
VASTRA: Perhaps that's the point. Perhaps you're supposed to prove that you still know him. Think what that must mean for a man who barely knows himself.
CLARA: It doesn't makes sense. He doesn't do puzzles. He isn't complicated. Really doesn't have the attention span. So, keeping it dead simple. On the other side.
(She hold the page up to the light. There is another advert directly behind hers, so she turns it over to read it. Mancini's Family Restaurant, the Best Dinner in London.)

[Mancini's]

(Clara and Isabella crosses the street and looks up at the building, which is just as depicted in the advert. She goes inside and sits by herself on a curved bench seat in a wall alcove, with a small round table in front of it. The restaurant has other customers, but is very quiet. She examines the advert again, then sniffs. Then she coughs as she fans the air with the paper. Her companion is wearing a noisome coat.)
DOCTOR: What's wrong?
CLARA: I don't know. Maybe the smell?
DOCTOR: I know. It's everywhere.
Isabella : Where did you get that coat?
DOCTOR: Er, ahem, I bought it.
CLARA: From where?
DOCTOR: Er, a shop?
Isabella : No.
DOCTOR: Might have been a tramp.
CLARA: You don't have any money.
DOCTOR: Er, I had a watch.
Isabella : No. That watch was beautiful.
DOCTOR: It was my favourite.
CLARA: You swapped your favourite watch for that coat. That's maybe not a good deal.
DOCTOR: Well, I was in a hurry. There was a terrible smell.
Isabella : Okay.
(The Doctor smiles and laughs a little.)
CLARA: No. No, don't. Don't. Don't. Don't smile. I will smile first and then you know it's safe to smile.
DOCTOR: Are you cross with me?
Isabella : I am not cross. But if I was cross it would be your fault and. Yes, I am cross.
DOCTOR: I guessed that.
CLARA: I am extremely cross.
DOCTOR: And if I hadn't changed my face, would you be cross?
Isabella : I would be cross if I wasn't cross.
DOCTOR: Why?
CLARA: Why? An ordinary person wants to meet someone that they know very well for lunch. What do they do?
DOCTOR: Well, they probably get in touch and suggest lunch.
Isabella : Mmm hmm. Okay, so what sort of person would put a cryptic note in, in a newspaper advert?
DOCTOR: Well, I wouldn't like to say.
CLARA: Oh, go on, do say.
DOCTOR: Well, I would say that that person would be an egomaniac, needy, game-player sort of person.
Isabella : Ah, thank you. Well, at least that hasn't changed.
DOCTOR: And I don't suppose it ever will.
CLARA: No, I don't suppose it will, either.
DOCTOR: Clara, Isabella honestly, I don't want you to change. It was no bother, really. I saw your advert, I figured it out. I'm happy to play your game.
Isabella : No. No, no. I didn't place the ad. You placed the ad.
DOCTOR: No, I didn't.
CLARA: Yes, you placed the ad, I figured it out. Impossible Girl, see? Lunch.
DOCTOR: No, look, the Impossible.The Girl That is a message from the Impossible Girl and the Girl who Waited.
Isabella : For the Impossible Girl.and for the Girl who Waited
DOCTOR: Ooo.
CLARA: Oh.
DOCTOR: Well, if neither of us placed that ad, who placed that ad?
Isabella : Hang on. Egomaniac, needy, game-player?
DOCTOR: This could be a trap.
CLARA: That was me?
DOCTOR: Never mind that.
Isabella : Yes, I am minding that.
DOCTOR: Clara Isabella .
CLARA: You were talking about me?
DOCTOR: Clara, Isabella what is happening right now in this restaurant to you and me is more important than your egomania.
Isabella : Nothing is more important than my egomania.
DOCTOR: Right, you actually said that.
CLARA: You never mention that again.
DOCTOR: It's a vanity trap. You're so busy congratulating yourself on solving the puzzle, you don't notice that you're sticking your head in a noose.
Isabella : What are you doing?
(The Doctor pulls a hair from his head.)
CLARA: And that isn't the only grey one, if you are, er, having a cull.
DOCTOR: What, do you have a problem with the grey ones?
Isabella : If I got new hair and it was grey, I would have a problem.
DOCTOR: Yeah, I bet you would.
CLARA: Meaning?
DOCTOR: It's too short.
(He pulls a hair from Clara's and Isabella's  head.)
Isabella : Ow.
DOCTOR: Sorry, it was the only one out of place. I'm sure that you would want it killed.
CLARA: Ooo. Are you trying to tell me something?
DOCTOR: I'm trying to measure the air disturbance in the room.
Isabella : Right. Moments when you know you are boring.
(He holds the hair below the table edge and lets it go. It falls slowly downwards.)
DOCTOR: There is something extremely wrong with everybody else in this room.
CLARA: Mmm. Basically, don't you always think that?
DOCTOR: Look at them. Don't look.
Isabella : You just said to look.
DOCTOR: Look without looking.
CLARA: They look fine to me. They're just eating.
DOCTOR: Are they?
(A soup spoon is repeatedly brought up to the mouth and lowered again, still full. Knifes and forks lift and fall over plates.)
Isabella : Okay, no. No, they're not eating.
DOCTOR: Something else they're not doing.
(Another short grey hair falls to the floor.)
DOCTOR: (sotto) Breathing.
CLARA: (sotto) What do we do?
DOCTOR: Well, you don't want to eat, do you?
Isabella : Hmm. Slightly lost my appetite. Ahem. How long before they notice that we're different?
DOCTOR: Not long.
Isabella : Anything we can do?
DOCTOR: How long can you hold your breath?
Isabella : We could just casually stroll out of here, like we've changed our minds.
DOCTOR: Happens all the time.
CLARA: Ha. Course it does.
(They stand. The other diners stop and stand with a clatter of clockwork. They take a step, the diners move towards them.)
CLARA: We could take another look at the menu.
(So they sit down again and the diners return to their tables.)
Isabella : What are they?
DOCTOR: I don't know. But don't worry, because that's not the question. The question is, what is this restaurant?
CLARA: Okay, what is this restaurant?
DOCTOR: I don't know.
(They look at the small menus. A waiter appears at their table.)
DOCTOR: Er, no sausages? Do you? And there's no pictures either. Do you have a children's menu?
(The waiter shines a small green light at the Doctor from the tip of his pencil.)
DOCTOR: Any specials?
WAITER: Liver.
DOCTOR: I don't like liver.
WAITER: Spleen. Brain stem. Eyes.
Isabella : Mmm. Is there a lot of demand for those?
DOCTOR: I don't think that's what's on the menu. I think we are the menu.
WAITER: Lungs. Skin.
DOCTOR: Excuse me.
(The Doctor reaches up and pulls off the waiter's face. There is a metal mesh beneath with a flame behind it.)
CLARA: Okay. Robot in a mask.
DOCTOR: It's a face.
Isabella : Yeah, it's very convincing.
(The Doctor puts it over Clara's face.)
DOCTOR: No, it's a face.
CLARA: Oh!
(She throws it down.)
WAITER: Yes.
DOCTOR: Yes, what?
WAITER: Yes, we have a children's menu.
(Metal arms come out of the back of the bench and hold them tightly around the arms and legs. They are very nice arms, with hands on the end to clasp together firmly. Then the bench descends.)
DOCTOR: You've got to admire their efficiency.
Isabella : Is it okay if I don't?
(They cry out as they go down.)