The Story of an Idiot with a Box (Series 8) Doctor Who

Robot of Sherwood Finale!

[Castle]

KNIGHT [OC]: Engine capacity at forty eight percent.
(Knights carry a gold circuit board away. The Doctor wakes up.)
KNIGHT [OC]: Engine capacity at forty eight percent.
DOCTOR: It's not enough. That's not enough. It'll never make orbit.
(Amongst the wails and groans of downtrodden humanity there is a mechanical whumph!)
DOCTOR: That's the engines, building in power. Stupid, stupid Sheriff.
(He strains at the chains holding his wrists behind his back.)
DOCTOR: Argh! Go on, give! Give, you stupid things. What are you looking at?
(It is Quayle's ward.)

[Outlaw's hideout]

(Next morning, Isabella  wakes to the sight of Robin's face.)
Isabella : Hi.
ROBIN: The time for games is over.

[Castle]

QUAYLES WARD: I think I understand you. The Sheriff's using the gold to replace something.
DOCTOR: That's the principle. But he's a moron. If he tries to fly this ship, it'll explode and wipe out half the country. What we need is a little riot. Time to reflect on lasers and gold. Spread the word.
(Quayle's ward frees the Doctor's hands.)

[Outlaw's hideout]

ROBIN: You will tell me everything this Doctor knows about Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
CLARA: What is this? Why are you interrogating me?
ROBIN: And then, you will tell me exactly who this Doctor is and what are his plans.

[Castle]

KNIGHT: You are fit for labour. Stand aside while this peasant unit is freed.
DOCTOR: I'm afraid you're a little late.
KNIGHT: Explain.
DOCTOR: I'm already free!
(The knight powers up his violet beam. The Doctor reflects it with a golden plate and it hits the wall. Quayle's ward produces another plate and this time it is bounced straight back at the knight. It's head explodes. More knights come, but all the workers have plates for shields.)

[Sheriff's room]

(The Sheriff is annotating a map of England.)
SHERIFF: Mine, mine, mine.
KNIGHT: Engine capacity at seventy five percent.
(There is a beeping noise. The Sheriff pushes the papers aside to reveal a monitor in the wooden table. He watches the carnage that is taking place.)
SHERIFF: 'Ods blood! Who will rid me of this turbulent Doctor?
(He punches a knight. It hurts.)
SHERIFF: Come.

[Castle]

(People are screaming and dying, but so are the knights.)
DOCTOR: Everyone, the last one!
(It is surrounded by reflective surfaces. Its violet energy beam bounces around a lot until if finally returns to sender, multiplied several times. KaBOOM! Celebrations.)
DOCTOR: Out, out! Everyone, quickly, get out. Quickly!
QUAYLES WARD: You've saved us all, clever one.
(She kissees him on the cheek.)
QUAYLES WARD: Thank you.
KNIGHT: Engine capacity at eighty two percent.
SHERIFF: You are indeed an ingenious fellow, Doctor. But do you really think your peasants' revolt can stop me?
DOCTOR: I rather think you're the revolting one around here. I'm bantering. I'm bantering. Listen to me. You don't have enough gold content to seal the engine breach. If you try and take off, you'll wipe out half of England.
SHERIFF: Liar! From my sky vessel, I shall rule omnipotent.
DOCTOR: You pudding-headed primitive, shut down the engines. What you're doing will alter the course of history.
SHERIFF: I sincerely hope so, or I wouldn't be bothering.
(The Sheriff throws a knight's head into the crucible.)
DOCTOR: Listen to me. It doesn't have to end like this. Shut it all down, return Clara to me and I'll do what I can.
SHERIFF: I don't have Clara.
DOCTOR: Robin's one of yours.
SHERIFF: What did you say?
DOCTOR: He's one of your tin-headed puppets, just like these brutes here.
SHERIFF: Robin Hood is not one of mine.
DOCTOR: Of course he is. He's a robot, created by your mechanical mates.
SHERIFF: Why would they do that?
DOCTOR: To pacify the locals, give them false hope. He's the opiate of the masses.
SHERIFF: Why would we create an enemy to fight us? What sense would that make? That would be a terrible idea.
DOCTOR: Yes! Yes, it would. Wouldn't it? Yes, that would be a rubbish idea. Why would you do that? But he can't be. He's not real. He's a legend!
ROBIN: Too kind! And this legend does not come alone.
(Robin is up in the gallery.)
Isabella : Hiya!
(Robin sticks his dagger into a wall hanging and slides down with Isabella holding on to him.)
ROBIN: You all right?
Isabella : Hell, yeah.
ROBIN: Good. My men have taken the castle.
SHERIFF: No!
ROBIN: Now I'm going to take you.
SHERIFF: This one's all mine.
(The two knights guarding the Sheriff are deactivated by the amulet hanging around his neck.)
SHERIFF: What do you say, outlaw? A final reckoning?
ROBIN: Oh, yes.
(Robin and the Sheriff prepare to sword-fight.)
DOCTOR: Are you okay?
CLARA: Fine, yeah.
DOCTOR: Good. We don't have long.
(The keep is rumbling and shaking.)
SHERIFF: I shall avenge every slight, outlaw.
Isabella : Doctor
DOCTOR: I know. The whole castle's about to blow.
SHERIFF: You have long been a thorn in my side.
ROBIN: Well, everyone should have a hobby. Mine's annoying you.
SHERIFF: I'll have you boiled in oil at the castle by sunset.
ROBIN: Can we make it a little earlier? Cos that's a little past my bedtime.
(Robin cuts a rope and flies on it up to a cross-beam.)
SHERIFF: I'm too much for you, outlaw. The first of a new breed. Half man, half engine.
(The Sheriff also does the rope thing and they continue the fight up on the beam.)
SHERIFF: Never ageing. Never tiring.
ROBIN: Are you still talking?
(The Sheriff cuts Robin's arm and he drops his sword. Then he opens his arms just like the Doctor did at the stream.)
SHERIFF: Bow down before your new king, you prince of knaves!
(The Sheriff comes at Robin, who turns so they are back to back then kicks the back of the Sheriff's knee.)
SHERIFF: Argh!
(The Sheriff falls into the crucible. Robin descends to the ground by rope again.)
ROBIN: Sorry. Was that, er, was that showing off?
CLARA: That was amazing.
(The castle shakes. Masonry starts to fall.)
DOCTOR: Run! Come on, run!
(We leave a pair of gold-covered hands sticking out of the crucible.)

[Castle grounds]

(From across the moat, we watch masonry fall and the spaceship take off.)
DOCTOR: It's never going to make it. Not enough gold. It'll never make it into orbit. Where is it? Where did it go?
Isabella : Where did what go?
DOCTOR: The golden arrow.
ROBIN: Tuck!
DOCTOR: You took it?
TUCK: Of course we did. We're robbers.
DOCTORY: I love you boys.
CLARA: Doctor, what are you suggesting?
DOCTOR: Golden arrow. It might just be enough gold content to get the ship into orbit and out of harm's way.
(The Doctor offers Robin the bow and arrow.)
ROBIN: No, it has to be you. My arm is injured.
(But the Doctor can't even get the arrow onto the bowstring.)
CLARA: You're good at this. I saw you. You won the tournament.
DOCTOR: I cheated. I made a special arrow with a homing device.
Isabella : Oh, brilliant. Right, let me have a go.
DOCTOR: You? You do Tae Kwon Do. That's not the same thing as this.
ROBIN: My friends. Surely we can manage it together?

[Spaceship]

KNIGHT: Engine capacity at eighty three percent. Insufficient power to achieve escape velocity.
(Sitting on the ground, the Doctor and Clara hold each end of the bow while Robin braces it with his foot. He pulls back the bowstring and releases the golden arrow. It hits the spaceship directly in the middle of a roundel on an engine.)
KNIGHT: Maximum power surge.
(The spaceship blasts into orbit.)
KNIGHT: Engines critical. Engines critical. Engines crit

[Castle grounds]

(KaBOOM! The watching crowd cheers.)
ALAN: (sings) One awful day in Nottingham, Brave Robin Hood was in a jam. The arrow flew it true
(His lute is snatched from him.)
WILL: Give it a rest, Alan.
ALAN: Give me my lute!
Isabella : Still not keen on the laughing thing?
DOCTOR: No, no, no, no.
(Isabella  laughs. Robin laughs.)

[By a stream]

(Robin gives Isabella  a very personal archery lesson.)
Isabella : Woo-hoo! I'm going to miss you. You're very naughty.
ROBIN: Oh, I know. Whoever he is, he is a very lucky man.
Isabella : Marian is very lucky, too.
ROBIN: I fear not.
Isabella : Don't give up. Not ever. Not for one single day.
(She kisses his cheek.)
CLARA: Be safe, if you can be. But always be amazing.
ROBIN: Hmm.
Isabella : Goodbye, Robin Hood.
ROBIN: Goodbye, Isabella Pond.
(Isabella  winks at him, then goes into the Tardis.)
ROBIN: So, is it true, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Is what true?
ROBIN: That in the future I am forgotten as a real man? I am but a legend?
DOCTOR: I'm afraid it is.
ROBIN: Hmm. Good. History is a burden. Stories can make us fly.
DOCTOR: I'm still having a little trouble believing yours, I'm afraid.
ROBIN: Is it so hard to credit? That a man born into wealth and privilege should find the plight of the oppressed and weak too much to bear...
DOCTOR: No.
ROBIN: Until one night he is moved to steal a Tardis? Fly among the stars, fighting the good fight. Clara told me your stories.
DOCTOR: She should not have told you any of that.
ROBIN: Well. Well, once the story started, she could hardly stop herself. You are her hero, I think.
DOCTOR: I'm not a hero.
ROBIN: Well, neither am I. But if we both keep pretending to be. Ha-ha! Perhaps others will be heroes in our name. Perhaps we will both be stories. And may those stories never end.
(They shake hands.)
ROBIN: Goodbye, Doctor, Time Lord of Gallifrey.
DOCTOR: Goodbye, Robin Hood, Earl of Loxley.
ROBIN: And remember, Doctor. I'm just as real as you are.

[Tardis]

CLARA: Admit it. You like him.
DOCTOR: Well, I'm leaving him a present, aren't I?

[By a stream]

((Robin looks at a woman's portrait in a locket around his neck, as the Tardis dematerialises to reveal that same young woman has been standing behind it.)
QUAYLES WARD: Robin? I've found you at last.
ROBIN: Marian? Thank you. Thank you, Doctor!
(He fires an arrow in the air, it comes to rest I know not where.)
ROBIN: Ha-ha-ha!