[Vastra's chamber]
(A conservatory. Vastra is sitting in her peacock chair. A fountain is playing.)
VASTRA: And then?
CLARA: Why are you wearing your veil?
VASTRA: And then?
Isabella : And then we got swallowed by a big dinosaur. You probably noticed.
JENNY: How did it happen?
CLARA: I don't know. I don't know. We were crashing about everywhere. The Doctor was gone. The Tardis went haywire.
JENNY: He's not gone. He's upstairs.
Isabella : Okay, he changed.
VASTRA: He regenerated. Renewed himself.
CLARA: Renewed. Fine.
VASTRA: Such a cynical smile.
Isabella : I'm not smiling.
VASTRA: Not outwardly. But I'm accustomed to seeing through a veil. How have I amused you?
CLARA: You said renewed. He doesn't. He doesn't look renewed. He looks older.
VASTRA: You thought he was young?
Isabella : He looked young.
VASTRA: He looked like your dashing young gentleman friend. Your lover, even.
CLARA: Shut up.
VASTRA: But he is the Doctor. He has walked this universe for centuries untold, he has seen stars fall to dust. You might as well flirt with a mountain range.
Isabella : I did not flirt with him.
VASTRA: He flirted with you.
CLARA: How?
VASTRA: He looked young. Who do you think that was for?
Isabella : Me?
VASTRA: Everyone. I wear a veil as he wore a face for the same reason.
CLARA: What reason?
VASTRA: The oldest reason there is for anything. To be accepted.
(Up in the guest bedroom, the Doctor wakes and sniffs the air. He gets out of bed and crawls around on the carpet, sniffing. He goes to the radiator and finds a piece of chalk which he uses to make marks on it.)
VASTRA: Jenny and I are married. Yet for appearance's sake, we maintain a pretence, in public, that she is my maid.
JENNY: Doesn't exactly explain why I'm pouring tea in private.
VASTRA: Hush now.
JENNY: Good pretence, isn't it?
VASTRA: I wear a veil to keep from view what many are pleased to call my disfigurement. I do not wear it as a courtesy to such people, but as a judgment on the quality of their hearts.
Isabella : Are you judging me?
VASTRA: The Doctor regenerated in your presence. The young man disappeared, the veil lifted. He trusted you. Are you judging him?
CLARA: How dare you? How dare you?
[Guest bedroom]
(The Doctor is writing on the floorboards. He stands when he hears the dinosaur, then goes to the door and opens it.)
DOCTOR: Door. Boring. Not me.
(He goes to the window and opens it.)
DOCTOR: Me.
[Vastra's chamber]
Isabella : Marcus Aurelius, Roman emperor. Last of the five good 'uns. Stoic philosopher.
VASTRA: Superlative bass guitarist. The Doctor really knows how to put a band together.
CLARA: And the only pin-up I ever had on my wall when I was fifteen. The only one I ever had. I am not sure who you think you're talking to right now, Madam Vastra, but I have never had the slightest interest in pretty young men. And for the record, if there ever was anybody who could flirt with a mountain range, she's probably standing in front of you right now. Just because my pretty face has turned your head, do not assume that I am so easily distracted.
(Vastra is no longer wearing her veil. Jenny applauds.)
JENNY: Whoo. Whoo. Sorry.
VASTRA: Well, goodness me. The lake is ruffled at last. I often wondered what you'd be like when you lost your temper.
JENNY: Oi. Married.
VASTRA: The Doctor needs us, you more than anyone. He is lost in the ruin of himself, and we must bring him home.
Isabella : When did you stop wearing your veil?
VASTRA: When you stopped seeing it.
[Rooftops]
(The Doctor is making his way towards the river.)
DOCTOR: Oi. Oi. Oi, big, sexy woman. Oi. Sorry. Sorry, it's all my fault. My time machine got stuck in your throat. It happens. I brought you along by accident. That's mostly how I meet girls, but don't worry, I promise I will get you home. I swear. Whatever it takes, I will keep you safe. You will be at home again.
(The dinosaur suddenly bursts into flames. It roars in pain before collapsing.)
DOCTOR: Stop that. Who's doing that? No, don't do that.
[Vastra's chamber]
VASTRA: That came from the river.
JENNY: The dinosaur.
VASTRA: Strax! Bring the carriage, now!
[Street]
(The Doctor leaps from a roof into a tree. The upper bough breaks under the strain, dropping him down.)
DOCTOR: Argh. Argh. Oh.
(He finishes hanging upside down from the lowest branch by his knees. A hansom cab, or growler, trots into his view.)
DOCTOR: Halt. Sorry, I'm going to have to relieve you of your pet.
CABBIE: You're what?
DOCTOR: Shut up, I was talking to the horse.
(The Doctor somersaults on to the horse's back and uses his sonic screwdriver to sever the traces and reins.)
CABBIE: What are you doing?
DOCTOR: Forwards.
(He gallops off. Madam Vastra's carriage driven by Strax goes past the stranded cabbie.)
STRAX: Out of the way, human scum. Hi-yah. Jurassic emergency. Yah.
(The Doctor is cantering along the cobbles.)
DOCTOR: Left. No, no. Right, right, right, right. Sorry, it's my new hands. I can't tell them apart.
[Vastra's carriage]
JENNY: What do you think's happened?
VASTRA: I don't know, but I fear devilment.
CLARA: Should we not have told the Doctor?
JENNY: He's not ready to leave his bed.
[Street]
DOCTOR: Watch it on the corners, it's a bit slippery up here.
[Vastra's carriage]
VASTRA: Strax.
(Strax is urging on the horse.)
VASTRA: Come on, Strax.
(He cracks the whip.)
VASTRA: That's better.
YOU ARE READING
The Story of an Idiot with a Box (Series 8) Doctor Who
ActionThe series is the first to star Peter Capaldi as the Twelfth Doctor, an alien Time Lord who travels through time and space in his TARDIS, which appears to be a British police box on the outside. It also stars Jenna Coleman Zoë Lewis as his companio...
