Teardrops of An Angel

Chapter 8

Hiroki Yoshiro

I could feel her heartbeat pressing against my back when we were riding in my big bike, andito na pala kami sa playground, yeah -ilang oras na ang lumipas, and yeah, it is already night and we are alone in this abandoned place.

"Wala ka bang balak umuwi?" Tanong ni Yessa sa akin.

"Nah, ayos lang wala namang naghihintay sa akin sa condo e, I'm living alone." Sagot ko naman sabay ngiti sa kanya, "saka nasa Moscow 'yong mga magulang ko, may business trip, lagi naman eh."

"Parehas pala tayo, 'noh?" Rinig kong bulong niya sa sarili niya, nginitihan ko siya sabay gulo ng kanyang buhok, "ano ba tabachoy!"

"Payatot." Asar ko pabalik sa kanya, oo -may bestfriend's endearment kami, not only couples can have their pet names, bestfriends also can. This is a democratic country after all.

Ako si tabachoy, siya naman si payatot. Ang payat kasi niya, is she even eating properly? Baka may eating disorder siya ah? Napailing na lang ako sa mga pinag-iisip ko, kahit na payat si Yessa maganda pa rin siya para sa akin.

Parehas kaming nakaupo sa ilalim ng puno kung saan ko siya unang nakita, this place have sentiment even if it is abandoned and old, because on this playground, my life with her started.

Madilim na ang paligid, it was already night -the same time as when I asked her to be my friend; the same time wherein she opened the door of her life and accepted me in.

Hindi ko maiwasang mapatingin sa playground, dito kami mostly tumatambay after classes, simula kasi noong naging friends kami ay may awkwardness pa rin sa pagitan namin, pero matapos ang ilang araw ay naging close na lang kami basta sa isa't isa, or is it just I, assuming things? Nah, we really became suddenly close.

My heart begun to skip beats again when her warm hand intertwined with mine, she looked at me and smiled, that smile that will surely... put angels to shame,

And I am not dumb to not to know what I am feeling right now, this feeling isn't new to me.

I like my bestfriend.

Tumingin ako kay Yessa, she was gazing up high in the night sky, it was starry... and very romantic in the ambience, binaling ko ang tingin ko sa kalawakan, sometimes I would steal glances at her, nataranta ako when she caught me looking at her, in order to hide my blushing cheeks from the lamppost, I smiled and looked away, trying to throw the shames that were poured.

Once again, the beat of my heart seems to be having a marathon run.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga, nakita kong nanginginig na ang katawan ni Yessa dahil sa lamig, nasa labas pa naman kami kaya mahamog ang paligid at dahil dito ay malamig. Literal.

Nagulat ako sa ginawa ko, bigla na lang akong lumapit kay Yessa saka siya niyakap, halatang nagulat siya sa ginawa ko kaya naman kumawala siya pero hinigpitan ko lang, "don't worry, we're just sharing body heat since it is freezing here."

Naramdaman kong nanigas ang katawan niya bago muna ito lumambot, it seems that she finally relaxed in my grace, she was warm but her hands were cold, I could not help but hug her tighter as if my life depends on her.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga while debating with myself whether I say it or not, will I confess to her tonight? What if she doesn't accept me? What if... for her, I am just a mere bestfriend? Nothing more or less?

Curse the stupid 'what ifs'! I hella don't care what happens next right now.

"I like you, Yessa... not just as a friend, but more than that, I like you for who you are, I like you and I love the idea of liking someone like you, I even think I love you, everytime na kasama kita, iba ang pakiramdam ko, ikaw lang ang nag-iisang babaeng may ganitong epekto sa akin."

Her eyes widened and I saw glint of tears, they suddenly streamed down on her cheeks, she did not answer, not that I am expecting some. Nagulat ako nang bigla na lang niya akong tinulak kaya naman napabitiw ako sa kanya, nang nakawala na siya sa akin sa pagkakayakap ay bigla na lang siyang tumakbo palayo.

She was running away from me. Each steps she takes were like knives stabbing my heart to death, it is painful to be rejected, but it is much more painful to be left hanging.

I went after her pero laking gulat ko nang wala naman na siya sa paligid -she was nowhere to be seen, "Yessa?!" Sigaw ko pero paulit ulit lang ang boses ko at pabalik balik na parang echo, "Payatot?"

One thing that I am feeling right now is everything except regret. I don't regret confessing my feelings for her, I don't regret risking everything just to make sure she knows that my heart beats for nobody else but her.

I scanned the entire place, hoping she was just near here, or there... but she was already gone... like the first time I saw her.

I felt my heart being torn apart as I ask myself where is she hiding, I know she's somewhere around me, hiding in the darkness while watching my frustrations, while watching me look for her.

I felt rejected.

Expectations lead to disappointments. I expected this night to turn out as what was planned. But it failed, I failed.

Bumalik ako sa kung saan kami kanina, at nagulat ako nang mahagip ng mata ko ang isang bag, it was Yessa's bag! She left it. Nakalimutan ata niya, agad akong naglakad palapit sa bag.

Walang pahintulot kong kinuha ang bag at binuksan, bumungad sa akin ang isang ballpen, at notebooks saka... isang lumang diary?

She keeps a diary?!

Without realizing it, I opened the diary and stared at the first page. Sinara ko na lang ang bag niya while still holding the diary, I think umuwi na si Yessa nang walang paalam dahil malapit lang ang bahay nila dito-which she told me, hindi ko man lang natanong hanggang ngayon kung saan siya nakatira, tagal na naming magkasama at magkaibigan pero hindi ko man lang nalaman kung saan siya nakatira, maybe next time...

Sinakbit ko na ang bag niya sa aking balikat, nilagay ko naman ang maliit na diary niya sa bulsa ng pantalon ko since kasya naman siya, sumakay na ako sa bigbike ko at daling dumiretso sa condo.

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