Back and Forth

Chapter Seventeen

Goals: 16 votes, 13 comments.

   Sometimes I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I'm not pretty enough for Zayn, I'm not successful enough for my parents, and I'm not perfect enough for everyone else. I'm like trapped in this world where whatever I do, say, or think doesn't matter. I am crumbling inside and I have no way of stopping it. I keep clawing at the walls that block me from the bit of happiness I long for. The only problem is the fact I'm not strong enough. I could pound and beat on them all I want, but I'll always be trapped.

   I don't know how much longer I could live like this. I'm slowing going insane. I can't sleep, eat, and I am in a desperate need of a shower. I feel my sanity slipping through my finger and no matter how hard I clench on to it, it continues to fall. The voices in my head are back and my self esteem is gone.

   I've been like this once before just never to this extent. Never to the extent where death is more luring than life. I've had my share fair of pain before, but this is a whole new level. I honestly don't know what is going to happen. I don't know if Zayn will ever change, or if I'll ever be good enough.

   I try to fill my self with hope but it's all false. Whenever I go outside or log into twitter it's like I'm the most worthless thing anyone has ever seen. I don't understand why everyone hates me so much. I'm not drop dead gorgeous or out going, but I'm not a terrible person. At least that's what I thought. I'm obviously wrong, just like always.

    It's been almost two weeks since I've talked to anyone. That person being Zayn and it was not like it was a good conversation either. Everyone you could think of tried calling me. Luke, Mandy, Mom, Carter, Jeff, Niall, Harry, Ryan, Stella, even Zayn. I've just ignored them all. I don't want to speak to anyone especially when I could barley stand hearing my own thoughts.

    Zayn should be home in the next few days. I am going to have to clean myself up by then. I can't let anyone know how I feel, especially him. If I don't its the same as me putting a giant red target on my back. No one will care, they will just find a way to blame me for the way I feel. I'll just end up feeling worse than I already do.

   I lie down on the couch and stair at the ceiling. How did my life get like this? How did I become this dreadful and pitiful person? I am so ashamed of myself, so mad at myself. In all honestly I hate the way I am. I hate myself and it's the worse feeling ever.

Zayn's POV

   I stuff my face with the pizza Harry ordered. Today is my last day in America before going home which I'm dreading. Kasie is going to freak out on me, probably for a couple things, and scream until her voice gives out. Not that I don't deserve it, but I'm still dreading it.

   "Hey man, you want to go out with us?" Niall asks me. "We are going to the club."

  "Nah, I'm good mate," I wave them off. I need to keep a low profile for a while and just calm down.

I don't want to do something that is going to anger Kasie even more. I just don't want to push her too far. She might actually leave me if I do and I don't want that. I want to be with her, I love her. The thing is, it is more of love hate kind of love than a lovely dovey one. But that doesn't change the fact that I still love her.

I'm also pissed that she is ignoring me. I even had my mum, and friends call her, but she still didn't answer. She probably hates my guts, but what can I say? I'm addicted to her pain. I am so disgusted with myself for it, but it's true. I don't know how our relationship turned into this. I used to be so in love with her, I used to adore her beyond no end. But now I get fucking sick just looking at her. Not all the time, just when she says and does stupid things.

It's not only me that has issues, it's her too. She acts like a timid little baby infront of her parents, she cares way too much, and her rage is just as bad as mine. The only difference is, she tends to aim her anger at herself not at me. Although, she has her moments when it all falls onto me. We are both at blame, but it still doesn't excuse my behavior.

I grab my phone from the table beside me and dial her number. I need to hear her voice even if she is yelling. I just have to make sure she is okay. She has a tendencies to do self destruction things.

"Hello?" I am surprised to hear her voice over the phone. She sounds like she just woke up.

"Hey, you okay?" I ask, not knowing what to say at the moment.

"What do you want Zayn?" she asks instead.

"To talk to you," I tell her.

"Why?" she groans.

"You're my girlfriend."

"Oh, am I?"

"What's wrong with you?" I ask getting annoyed.

"Nothing's wrong with me Zayn. It's what's wrong with you!" her voice slowly rises with each word.

"I didn't call so we could fight," I tell her, wanting her to calm down.

"Then you shouldn't have called at all!" she complains.

"Sorry for wanting to check if you're fine!" I finally yell.

"Don't be, because I couldn't care less!" She yells back and I groan in frustration.

"Are you fucking serious?"

"Yes, I am. You cheated on me again Zayn. This time in front of the entire world! How did you cover it up? Huh, did you tell the media we broke up? Or did you apologize about how stupid and careless you were to get caught!" she screams over the phone.

"How I deal with my job and career is none of your business!" I snap at her and she laughs. Not out of amusement, but out of pain.

"Great, well according to everyone else in the world we are no longer dating," she says, obviously realizing I told everyone we broke up. It was the only way I could clear everything up. "So you no longer have to call just to talk to your girlfriend."

When she hangs up, I shout and throw my phone across the hotel . I tug at my hair before pushing the lamp that's on the night stand off. I shout and throw whatever I could find. God, damn I mess everything up between the two of us. She is just so damn difficult and hard to deal with.

I don't even know what to do. I mean it's really all my fault this time, I know it is. I haven't even really apologized yet. I guess that's what I need to do. I need to apologize and hope thing will get better. But her and I both know that's not going to happen.

~~~~

I know this is short, but two updates in a day. You should be proud.

I have most of this story already written. And I'm excited for you guys you read it!! :)

Goals: 16 votes, 13 comments.