Dulce Secretum

18

Chapter 18

When I was a child, I thought falling in love was a blissful feeling. It was as if you were falling on a soft pillow with your heart in complete ease. I thought falling in love for the first time was simple. But it seems like it takes a lot of confusion and anxiety to finally accept that it is love.

And when I speak of love, it is not simply love for a man. It is in many forms-falling in love with the darkness and the light, falling in love with your bitter life and gradually finding hope, and falling in love with who you are and who you have become in spite of hating yourself for many years.

But after all the tears, the time also came when I simply breathed.

"Oh, Jaja. You look so nice in that," Anie gushed.

Napangiti ako dahil sa sinabi ni Anie. Muli kong pinagmasdan ang sarili sa salamin. Nakasuot ako ngayon ng sage green one-piece bikini. Binili ito ni Tita Nina sa'kin noon ngunit ngayon ko lang nasuot. Matagal na mula nang lumabas ako para mag swimming at kahit na nakasuot nga ako ng pang swimming, I won't really swim today.

"I'm so excited to go to the jacuzzi with you! I super love the ambiance. Nakita mo na ba?"

Hinarap ko si Anie na nakasuot ng itim na tubed two-piece bikini. She's seated in front of the vanity table of our hotel suite while I was standing in front of the mirror.

Umiling ako. Tila ba mas na-excite si Anie nang sinabi ko ito.

"OMG! You're gonna love it. Parang nasa hot spring ka talaga because the design is like that."

My eyes crinkled as a smile appeared on my lips. I've never been in a jacuzzi and Anie has been telling me how relaxing it is. I wonder if I'll enjoy it... But at this rate, with all the thoughts running in my mind, I don't know if I can.

"By the way, I'm gonna be in the nude later. You wanna try too?"

Napakurap kurap ako at muling tumingin sa sariling katawan. Wearing this bikini feels so new to me. It feels so foreign but at the same time, it made me feel giddy that I'm wearing something like this inside the jacuzzi. But wearing nothing?

"Um... Hindi muna."

Anie nodded and grinned. "Alrighty. I'll just go check on Gregory right now. Baka pinagti-tripan niya na naman si Arsi," paalam ni Anie habang tumatawa.

Nginitian ko si Anie pabalik at hinayaan siya lumabas. Nang sumara ang pinto napalamon ako.

Julio...

Tila ba nang iwan si Julio ng puwang sa puso ko nang umalis siya kanina. Ilang oras lang ang pagitan nang muli kaming nagkita ngunit tila ba siya'y nawawala dahil sa pagdadalamhati na nararamdaman ko. Gusto ko siyang tawagin, gusto ko siyang puntahan ngunit hindi ko kaya.

Alam kong hindi pwede dahil alam ko na kung saan nanggagaling ang nararamdaman ko.

My gaze drifted back to the mirror, my breath catching slightly as I took in my reflection. The sage green swimsuit clung to me, accentuating details I had never truly acknowledged before. My chest, subtly pressed together, showed a hint of cleavage, while the soft curves of my waist led to hips that felt far too narrow, too unsure. I swallowed hard, tracing the seams of the fabric with ghostly fingers as I continued my appraisal, doubting.

Would Julio ever look at me the way he looked at them?

The thought crept in uninvited, coiling around my heart with the soft ache of despair. Those women-whoever he liked-whoever I saw with him, whoever came to mind-were stunning. Radiating overt confidence. The sort that knows how to glide through life like a breeze without a care. Did they ever stand in front of a mirror, questioning whether they were enough? Or was that just me?