Dulce Secretum

19

Chapter 19

Bata pa lang ako, alam ko nang gusto kong maranasan kung paano magmahal ng isang lalaki. Nairirinig ko ito sa mga kwento ng mga kaibigan ni Mama, nakikita sa mga kaklase ng mga kapatid ko, at lalo na kay Ate Ela noong high school pa siya. Nababasa ko sa mga libro, napapanood sa mga pelikula-parang ang dali, tila ba ka'y ginhawa sa pakiramdam.

Alam kong gusto kong magmahal, pero hindi ko alam kung paano. Hindi ko alam kung kailan darating, o kung darating pa nga ba. Ang hindi ko napansin, andiyan lang pala siya. Malapit lang; ang lalaking hahawak sa puso ko.

Alam kong maaring nakakapagtaka marinig na sinasabi ko ito-lalo na't matagal ko nang iniiwasan ang usapang tungkol sa pagmamahal. I've always felt like an outsider when we speak of love and relationships but perhaps since yesterday, I'm no longer one.

Love on television and in books always seemed grand and dramatic, but mine didn't arrive in a single, earth-shattering moment, but in the quiet, careful ways Julio had made a home in my heart.

It was something in the way his eyes held mine like I was someone worth knowing made my heart ache in the best way. Something in the way his words settled into my soul. Something in the way his hands traced my skin as if I were something precious, and the way he silenced the demons in my mind.

And now, looking back, it all makes sense. The reason I never felt drawn to the men who tried to capture my attention. The reason no fleeting touch, no whispered promise, ever felt enough. Because all this time my heart had already chosen. Julio had already been there-woven into me, even before I knew what love truly was.

At ngayon na alam ko na ito, ayoko ng kailan man na bitawan siya.

"Nasa'n na kaya sila?"

Napalingon ako kay Anie. Nasa lobby kami, nakaupo sa malambot na sofa habang naghihintay kina Julio at Gregory. Sa kabila ng malamig na aircon, pakiramdam ko'y mainit ang aking pisngi. Binalot ako ng alaala ng kahapon, ng mga sandaling kapiling ko siya.

And now, everything seems to make me think of him. The deep brown of his eyes-like the acacia coffee table in front of me. The soft yellow fabric of my dress, bringing me back to this morning to the warmth in his voice as he watched me get read. Bagay sa'yo 'yan. Suotin mo 'yong kwintas, he had said, his gaze lingering just a little too long on my collarbone. The jasmine necklace he had given me a long time ago rested against my skin delicately, but the thought of him made my whole body feel warm.

I stared at the brown door in front of me, absentmindedly tracing the edge of my dress between my fingers. Then it swung open, and two tall men emerged. My breath caught-because only one of them mattered.

"Julio."

He turned at the sound of my voice, his lips curling into a familiar, easy smile. The kind that made my stomach flip, as if it were the first time I was seeing it.

Beside me, Gregory walked past, pressing a kiss to Anie's forehead as he took her bag from the coffee table, but my eyes never left Julio.

"Kanina pa kayo?" he asked.

I shook my head with a small smile. Before I could say anything, his hand reached for my shoulder, his touch gentle. The kind of touch that lingers, even after it's gone.

"Dalhin ko na 'to sa kotse. Daanan na lang kita."

He took my bag before I could protest. My fingers twitched at my sides, itching to reach out, to hold onto him just for a little longer. But all I did was nod.

Julio smiled one last time before walking away, disappearing into the bustling hotel entrance.

And I was left there wondering-pa'no kami napunta dito?