Blue And Grey [COMPLETED] • mistikenigma

Chapter Seven

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Life's unpredictable. When I thought I can get over with my emotions— which is hatred, the situation just got worst. It's been a week. Araw-araw tuwing uwian ang mga kaibigan ko sa ospital, nalaman ko din na bumalik na sa SGU sina Patrick, hindi na nila tinapos ang tatlong buwan for some unknown reasons pero ang sabi ni Starr ay nagkaroon lang ng problema iyong isang estudyante from SGU, na-settle naman na pero mas minabuting ipaaga ang pagbalik nila sa SGU.

I never heard anything from Patrick. They advised me to stop using social media, I am being visited by a psychiatrist, limited ang pumapasok sa kwarto at ang mga nurses, doctor, mga kapatid at kaibigan ko lang. Ang sabi ni Starr ay kinausap sila ng doctor, they found me lying under the shower, ang dami din daw na dugo ang nawala. My sister found me. Mas natakot ako doon sa part na kapatid ko ang nakahanap sa akin. I was... lost. Hindi ko naisip na maaaring mga kapatid ko ang makakita sa akin. Humingi ng paumanhin ang mga kaibigan ko dahil sinabi nila ang nangyayari sa bahay pero hindi lahat, iyong mga sigawan lang. Maybe that's the reason why they don't even enter the room. At ngayon, alam kong alam na nila ang problema ko.

They gave me books and painting materials. Iyon ang pinagkakaabalahan ko. May bandage ang kaliwang kamay ko. Every morning, my friends will come at sasamahan ako sa park ng hospital, naka wheel chair ako at hindi pinayagang maglakad lakad.  Minsan ay mga kapatid ko naman. Noong una lang nila binanggit ang mga magulang namin, the following days, wala na silang sinasabi tungkol sa kanila.

Two weeks in the hospital, iyong hinihintay kong tao wala pa din.

Dumaan ang isang buwan.

Dalawang buwan.

Tatlo. Apat. Lima. Hanggang sa naging taon at ilan pang taon.

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It took me almost five years to fully recover. I didn't continue pursuing what I like, I got interested with business. I started with a small coffee shop, I added library and now may mga branches na ito and I started doing paintings tsaka itinitinda sa main branch ng Cofi Lofi.

In the first five years after committing suicide, ilang beses pa iyong nasundan ng ilang beses na pagtatangka. Natutunugan nila tuwing may gagawin akong hindi maganda. My teenage years was all grey. I felt more comfortable with shades of grey, but those shades of grey became darker, I regret letting myself being swallowed by it. Pero masisisi ba nila ako noon? The vast grey area is more comfortable for me that time.

Sumabay pa iyong, kung kailan ako nakaramdam ng panibagong damdamin sa isang tao, tsaka naman ako maiiwan.

Those years was so dull and broken. My family helped me to cope up, but a broken plate would never be fixed again kahit gaano mo pa gustong ayusin. My father and step mother separated, they're both stay single until now. My situation, was a great factor in our family. Minsan hindi naman kasi solusyon iyong pagkakaroon ng patuloy na relasyon para maayos lahat, minsan ay mas kailangan ng break up para mas maging maayos.

I plucked my guitar and closed my eyes...

Where is my angel?
The end of the day
Someone come and save me, please
A weary sigh of a tiring day
I guess everyone's happy
Can you look at me? 'Cause I am blue and grey
The meaning of the tears reflected in the mirror
My color hidden with a smile, blue and grey

I still can remember how hard it is for me in the first five years in the hospital. Gusto ko siyang hanapin, gustong-gusto pero paano ba? Sa university kung saan siya galing? Sinabi ko iyon sa mga kaibigan ko pero kahit sila ay tumanggi, noon ay galit na galit ako sa kanila kasi bakit bawal? Iyon pala ay takot lang sila na iba yung makita nila doon tapos magsisinungaling sila sa'kin.

I don't know where it went wrong
Since my youth, I've had a blue question mark in my head
Maybе that's why I've been living so fiercely
But whеn I look back, I'm all by myself
That hazy shadow that swallows me up
The blue question mark still exists
Is it anxiety or depression?
How am I so regretful?
Or is it just me, one that loneliness gave birth to
I still don't know, the ferocious blue
I hope I don't erode away, I'll find the exit

Sa limang taon, ilang beses akong sinubukang kausapin ni dad, pero papasok pa lang siya sa kwarto ay takot na takot na ako. Kasi yung nasa isip ko ay iyong mga sigawan sa bahay. Mga kaibigan ko lang ang kapatid yung nakakausap ko.

Lumandas ang luha sa mga mata ko nang dumako ang mga ito sa pintuan ng Cofi Lofi. I guess, I wasn't fully healed. Every night that I sang here, palagi ko siyang nakikita sa pintuan ng Cofi Lofi, these days lang naman. Pero sa bawat huling linya ng mga awitin ko, wala na siya doon.

I just wanna be happier
To melt the cold me
My hands have reached out countless times
Colorless echo
Oh, this ground feels so heavier
I am singing by myself
I just wanna be happier
Am I being too greedy?

I felt when I walked on the cold winter streets
The sound of my fast heartbeat breathing
I still feel it
Don't say it's okay
'Cause it's not okay
Please don't leave me alone, it hurts too much

I became distant. I never allowed anyone in my life again. I'm living with my siblings, dad is currently living with our half brother sa step mother namin. Last year, na-comatose ang step mother namin, car accident. Iyon lang ang balita ko dahil hanggang ngayon, apektado pa rin ako sa bawat salita niya.

On the road I always walk
There is a light that always shines
But today, the scene feels unfamiliar
Is it dull or is it broken?
This lump of metal feels heavy
A grey rhino is approaching
I'm just standing there without focus
I don't feel like myself at this moment
I'm just not scared
I don't believe in a God called conviction
Words like color make me cringe
A vast grey area is way more comfortable
Hundreds of millions of grey facial expressions here
When it rains, it's my world
I dance over this city
On a clear day, bring some fog
On rainy days, we're always together
A toast to all the dust here

I was diagnosed with GAD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I thought it was just a simple trauma from my parents' shouts and yells. I thought I was just scared of everything. My psychiatrist was a great help, it's a relief that my friends knew a good psychiatrist. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano nila siya nakilala.

I just wanna be happier
Please feel the warmth of my hands
They're not warm, so I need you more
Oh, this ground feels so heavier
I am singing by myself
In the distant future, when I smile
I'll tell you I did

This is the future that I've always wanted. Ah, I forgot to include, it's not just my friends and siblings, I also spent the five years watching BTS videos and listening to their songs.

Pero kulang pa din. For eight years, hindi nga siya nagparamdam. Tumingin ulit ako sa pintuan ng Cofi Lofi, this is again the last time that I'll see him again with my hallucinations. 

I closed my eyes as I sing the last lines of the song.

After secretly sending my words up into the air
Now I fall asleep at dawn, good night.

Bago buksan ang aking mga mata ay huminga ako ng malalim, sa oras na mabuksan ko ang mga ito, wala matatapos na ang panaginip kong nandoon siya at nanonood.

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Word Count: 1,280

Actually, tapos na 'yong story pero uunti-untiin ko lang yung pagpa-publish kasi ang tagal ng internet tapos may mga schoolworks pa ako. Pero siguradong pagkatapos ng March ay published na lahat ng chapters at ire-revise o in-edit ko na lang ng kaunti.

-mistikenigma 🖤

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Music: Blue and Grey by BTS (English Lyrics)

February 26, 2021

- [EDITED] -mistikenigma 050521