Plans (The Day Music Started to Heal Sequel)

Give Me a Lifetime... Of Waiting to Follow YOUR Heart

Dear God,

I'm waiting... And waiting... And waiting... And waiting.

Today has been absolutely CRAZY!!!

I had WAYYYY TOO many tests today!!!!! My social studies test got pushed back to Tuesday, but I had a science test AND a math test. Both periods back to back. I think my teachers figured that if we had another day added to our weekend they might as well put all tests on Friday. Or since we had a longer weekend some thought we had an "extra" day to study for other tests. AHHHHHH!!! Why did You make me NOT be able to attain ANY of this information?!?!?!? I feel like I only know very little... I even found out what I got on the science test.... BOMBED IT!! It was so bad I don't want to talk about it! Ugh! Why did You make this so difficult?! I don't know what I got on my math test, but I don't want to care right now. I know I should, but I feel like if I care, then I will start crying because I care. I want to, but I don't want to start crying.

I am waiting to attain this knowledge, and waiting to see where my "so called smarts" will take me. But WILL it ever work? Am I actually smart?

I want to feel that know I need to wait.

I am waiting to see where this life will actually take me, but it's hard and I know it.

Then what about school after school? Will I be "smart enough" to go? All of these graduation requirements and all of these school expectations are overwhelming. I don't know when to stop thinking about it. I know I have a long time until I have to go for it, but I know it's going to be hard. Will I actually be ready? I feel that I have a 'plan' but I feel that my plan isn't good enough. I am worried that I will let some down if I go down this certain path that I want to look down. I feel that I will be rejected. Or even worse. Many will be disappointed in what I have become. I want to know what You have planned for me. I am tired of waiting and seeing what is in store down the road, but the 'stronger' side says to wait. That side wants to believe that through the anger, the frustration, the hard work that I try to give, the time, the effort, the internal suffering that I don't want to feel, the time. I have heard many times just today that.... all will work out in the "end". There isn't an end, but there are different beginning of chapters of different stories that YOU have written already. Over 2000 years ago before time was even there. You knew what century. Year. Month. Day. Hour. Minute. Second I would be born. Every single second had a purpose. Every single second will always have a purpose.

I need to know I need to wait

I don't know where to go or what's the right thing. I want to have dreams, but I want YOU to control my dreams. Sometimes it drives me so crazy that I want to SCREAM! My world is upside down, and sometimes spinning faster. Will you try to PLEASE help me. I feel so lost! I need help. The voices inside my head (mostly other people like the people at school telling me about college and future classes and grades and all of this STUFF, and then my parents telling me one thing while my heart spoken through you telling me something different) tell me that they all know best. I feel like I am trapped in advice given through too many voices and they are trying to close in and control my life. I need help to only focus on YOUR words and YOUR heart not even my own heart becauase I cannot even begin to think aobut where I want to go.

I need help to wait

I want to believe it, but some days are harder than others. There are some days when I think the pain of unknowing so much I want to give up. I feel that there is no hope, but I feel that just as You have helped the same Alan that I know many years ago, I feel that if there is just that little light, You can do great things. I even feel that I want to write great things "with me" can this actually be true? Do you actually have a reason that I am here? Will I ever know Your plans as to why I am here?

I want know I need to wait

Well what about when all of the other girls were "judging themselves" today on how they were all 'fat' and stuff. I mean I don't think any of them were. I was basically taller and slightly bigger "built" (I think some of which was muscle that I have gained from working out but i know I was 'bigger' than most of the girls in my grade)... but what would that make me? I know that many have lost the weight and gained muscle, but I do not see it happening anytime soon for me... will it? Will this actually happen?

I feel I can know I need to wait

Or the time almost seven years ago when I started getting acne? SEVEN years!!!! I feel that it will NEVER go away!! I know it's hard, but do I have to wait until this goes away?

I am trying to know I need to wait

Most of all... with Valentine's day and seeing all this "mushy mushy gushy BLEIGH" romance inside walls that I feel trapped in and cannot escape from these walls closing in on my life. Sometimes I want to know who "my one" is, but other times I know that You have a wonderful plan for me. Some of my friends tell me how they recieved Valentines and how they have given Valentines to their crush and i'm sitting here like "yup". It grosses me out how some kiss in the halls, and I know that is not a real relationship or how they "should" be. Or at least that is my opinion on how you "should" be in a relationship. I know that You created some to be romantic, but some romance grosses me out. You know that I want more of a "fun" guy. Only YOU know what is going through my head and already have the 'perfect' guy already out there somewhere and my heart belongs to them already. I will be the person now that I want to be, and not pray for my future guy. But for me to be the wonderful wife that will be clothed in white walking down with my daddy to help change my last name. I will always be my daddy's girl, but there is also another man that will have part of my heart that I have learned will love me for who I am. I will wait until the guy will pursue me like YOU have pursued me. With passion but with patience. That is how i know that I deserve to be treated and this is how I WANT to treat my future husband. i will chase you instead of guys... for when the day comes that will be willing to follow me to you and I can stare into his eyes and tell him that I have waited my whole life for that moment. I will know that together we will write our own "not so perfect but YOUR" fairytale. "A guy does not come in like a fairy tale but when you find the right 'one' we will write our own fairytale together" (quoted from a movie I cannot think of the top of my head sorry but I cannot take these words I will name the movie when I think of it.) I know that the guy that You will give me will wait for me... wait for me... and they will be willing to

Give Me a Lifetime... of waiting to Follow YOUR Heart

I know I need to wait

Love Your Daughter Not Afraid to Say That She is Waiting <3

Love Your Princess Not Afraid to Say That She will Follow Your Heart <3

Melody <3<3

~Author's Note~

Hey there people! I just wanted to say Happy Valentine's Day! Do not worry if you do not have a 'one' yet because I am right there with you. Do not worry about what the future holds for God IS right there with you. He has wonderful plans that involve the gorgeous you. The beautiful wonderful you that God does not want to change one bit. He loves you for who you are and He thinks you are AWESOME and gorgeous. NEVER believe the lies satan tries to put in your head. You are AMAZING!!!! I hope you can know this now and forever that God was there, is there, and will always be there. I know that we might 'lose' our sense that He is there, but even then I want to say that HE IS THERE. I know that as humans we doubt ourselves and even GOD, but HE NEVER doubts us. It might be frustrating, confussing, depressing, or even a circle of all feelings. But He is with you through it all. You are beautiful, smart, and wonderful in every way.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! (and if you haven't seen the new music video that coudn't have came out at a better time, I attatched it to the story SO GO WATCH IT! and if you have seen it already GO WATCH IT AGAIN! I love this song... yes with a whole bunch of songs, but on a day like Valentine's Day I feel that we need a little reminder that we should be willing for and by God to...

Give Him a Lifetime... to Follow His Heart!!! <3

Peace Out!
Love Ya Guys <3
~God's Little Light~