Plans (The Day Music Started to Heal Sequel)

Invisible Boomerang

Dear God,

I wished that all my pain could have been invisible for the longest time.

I never felt good enough.
I never felt strong enough.
I never felt smart enough.
I never felt pretty enough.
Felt I should have been shorter to get a guy sometimes.
Felt that I never knew the "right Bible verses" or that I knew enough about You God or Your testimonies. Or about the Bible in general. I might never have grown up with a pastor Father or Mother, and even if I grew up in a church basically I never knew "facts". If I was put on one of those Bible quiz shows I would fail miserably. I might not know the difference between the different versions of the Bible, but isn't it all the same? Isn't it all just a different version of explaining Your words that You put in a book for us to be put on our hearts? I want to know scripture yes, and I know a few verses by heart the ones I feel that I need right now. I have a few that I know I will know forever. I will always hold these verses in my heart, and slowly but surely I will attain more verses as I need them.
Needed "A"mazimg grades to even get somewhere.
Needed to not have acne spread across my face.
Needed to run faster to lose the weight that I never wanted.
Needed to play music more to be "perfect" for band, to even get up higher and play the better and main music but was stuck playing the middle voices:
I have wanted to stand out from the crowd, yet fit in at the same time.
I tried to get better grades by going to get help and still the best I could do I still felt wasn't good enough.
I felt even if my dad was happy my mom was still disappointed.

All pretty much I felt one thing...
NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

I don't know I where I will go to college, or even the career that I'm "planning" to go into is what You are leading me to do. I feel something different and that You are leading me somewhere else. I have different talents that I use as my "escape" sometimes, but I feel You want me to use them to my advantage somewhat. I don't know where my life beyond school is, but I know that You have a plan for it! I feel that You will use me in a very special way. I don't know yet exactly where, but I know it's coming... Sooner than expected.

I wanted to feel it, but I should have just turned to YOU!

After I wanted to make myself invisible to others after not feeling like I should be shown I should have turned to you.

I should have turned to you when I felt not able to feel like I was satisfied that I never felt that my face wasn't beautiful. I know that you made me just the way I am for a reason. You have plans for me and I know it.

You said that I am allowed to break down sometimes and let my heart cry out to you!

I know that I am an outcast somehow. I don't know how yet, but I will find out one day. I am an outcast for a good reason. For a GREAT reason. There I feel there isn't anything wrong with not fit in. I am unique and what makes me an "outcast or weirdo" it will shape my life. I want to look back one day and know that I am stronger because of this right now. I want my faults that are so called out (mostly by me) and my worries that will push me to be the best to be to make me grow stronger in my faith with You! Help me control my life in the direction You want me to be lead down. I want You to take the wheel of my life.

It is hard to see that I don't fit in. I have music and it allows me to daydream and helps me escape from this world for a little bit, and I love this feeling.

There will always be someone out there that is going through the same thing. I know I can reach out to any of my friends and they will be able to help me. You always seem to lead me to the "right" that knows what I am going through. Everytime I am very glad of that. I love them all and especially YOU for it!!

My friends I know care for me and I am allowed to fall to see where I land. I need to just let go of my worries and give them to YOU God!! I need to let myself and my heart cry out all my fears and let them go!

I need to see that I will come back stronger because this is NOT the end! This will only make me stronger because of YOU! You will lead me down the wonderful path that will give me a lifetime of wonderful things!!!!! YOU have wonderful plans for me!

I know I hit a wall. I know that my heart has had enough. I know I had told my friends and family "yes I'm ok I'm ok I'm fine I'm fine yes yes yes I'm ok STOP ASKING!!!!"
I told them I was fine but put on a mask and just smiled it all away... Or so I thought. I never know what to say. I wanted to actually be ok and not just say it. I wanted to feel You! I wanted to feel You in my heart! I feel You now!

I thought nobody understood what I thought I was going through, but more than I know there are more out there. I know there are. I also know that whatever my anxiety is I can just write it out to You. I learned that writing it is better than saying it because it is a physical way of telling You what is on my mind. It lets everything that I need to say be out in the open.

I might want to be "Invisible" or want my anxieties to be invisible, but one things for sure, I am like a "Boomerang!"

Love Your Anxious Daughter ❤️
Love Your Beautiful Princess 👑
Melody 💚❤️💙