Plans (The Day Music Started to Heal Sequel)

Can't Get Over the Unknown

Dear God,

To some Can't Get Over You is their "comfort" song. It is one of my favorites because I love the words. Through the good times and bad, you stay the same. I was down, broken, lost, and feeling hopeless. But one of my best friends kept telling me this SAME line over and over again. I cried everytime I needed it and she was right there saying this line to me over and over. It hit me everytime. No matter how many times it was said, no matter when it was, it hit me EVERY single time....

Through the good times and bad... Your love stays the same, so my song will remain.

Then a new song was sang in my heart. I am sooo scared of what will happen. What I will get on that next test? What will my mom say if she ever finds about anything I cry at night for? Will I ever find the "one"? Do I look good enough? I am not pretty. I do not feel at all pretty. Will I ever not be considered "fat" in my eyes ever? Will I ever be good enough to get into college in a few years? What are my "plans"? I hate that I do not know The Unknown. It scares me. It terrifies me that I have no idea what is going on.

Weird how You can speak to me through music. When I replayed this song over one more time, I hear those words in a new way. "Trust me child I have a plan. I am in control and I won't let you go." Somehow those words comfort me. I have never heard those words in this way before. I have heard the word "plans" in so many different places, but I haven't heard it here before. I finally took a closer look and saw this. YOUR words!

It's a little bit scary, and you're not sure what's up ahead. So you try to bury all your fears. Lock it up tight deep inside. Out of sight. Out of time. At least that's what you tell yourself. Doesn't really seem to help.

I was thinking this last weekend when I was at church camp. I have heard many of my friends who have went before and said it was just... Unexplainable. That is what I believe now is VERY true. For a long time I have locked away my inner thoughts only for them to haunt me later... Again and again. I tried to tuck them away. Push them out of my mind. Forget about them. But nothing worked. I needed to tell someone and let them help me. I had too much weight, and I needed help. I needed love.

Last weekend at church camp I don't think I have ever cried as much, but this time it wasn't sad tears. They were tears of relief. My new friends that I have discovered have said the same thing, but out loud. I can totally agree. I felt I was quiet for too long. I would break down every night wondering when it will end. Last weekend I was in this sermon with only us girls, and we were talking about how I've felt LIKE FOREVER! We talked about how You are "planning" something for us. Something big. How this weekend we would get an "unexpected visit" in our hearts. We talked about self image. We talked about all of these "bricks" and burdens that life has given us. How we carry a backpack everyday full of bricks (called textbooks) and how it weighs us down. I was listening and we watched a clip of the movie about how Jesus was put on the cross. I don't know why, but I lost it... I couldn't take it anymore I literally cried so hard. So hard. So hard. I heard others crying, but I think mine was the hardest. I sat there and when we stood to sing a soft song I had to sit there for a minute because I couldn't even stand. When I did a moment later, my legs were shaking. They shook so hard. I was still crying and I couldn't even find the breath to sing. I just listened.

I gave my "Broken Hallelujah". I love that song SOOO much. I think it described my weekend perfectly. I gave what I have for my inner peace... I gave nothing at all. Well I gave all of my "bricks" and just let them go. I might still feel it a little bit, but giving most of them to You helped. After the song ended this girl that came did not want to be there. We were in groups, and she was in mine. She looked miserable, yet when the song ended she reached out arms and gave me a hug right there. I was a little surprised, yet I hugged her back. It was amazing that she did that. She is in my grade at my school, and I thought I saw her once or twice but never actually saw "her". It's amazing what You do in my life.

Later I brought out that new friend You just introduced me to a while ago. That friend I love to play because when I play it... I forget everything because I'm soooo focused on not going "thunk... Thunk... THUNK!" I'm focused on it and when my friend is showing me how to play her, (yes I am weird I name my instruments and her name is Alaina) I felt only the music flow through my fingers, up my arms, into my head, through my ears, and cover me with funness I guess you can say. I don't care if it's not a word, and I don't think You care either, but I love this feeling. I forget all past regrets, shameful nights I hope for the best from You. I know I was made for a purpose that sometimes I cannot see. I want to believe that there will never be a More Beautiful Me. Just the Way I Am.

Other people were playing "Alaina" and I liked to hear them because I want to believe with a little practice I sound just as good. I want to learn to play. I have been wanting to learn how to play for almost eight years now, and I finally actually get a chance to play one. Some say it's never too late to learn, and I know that now.

It's all in timing. You created time, You were NOT bound by time, you were in every moment and will be in every moment of my life. I wish I could have told myself that before, but how much stronger would I be now? Would I still believe as much as I do now? If I told myself what I knew now would I want to change? Would I want anything different? I feel my brokenness has brought me to be stronger than before.

I look back at some stuff I did (or didn't do) and realize they had brought me where I am. I know it's strange, but it also gives me comfort that you were there in The Unknown. I love how that song is "my comforting song" right now, and it played after Can't Get Over You and also when I had cried in math class after a homework quiz. I know it was only five points with one question, but I still felt dumb for not being able to do it. I didn't know if anyone heard me or saw, but I was devastated. The Unknown comforted me... Not the idea but the song. Well I don't know. Maybe both. Who knows?

Last weekend at church camp we had to write out our feelings and other stuff, and they gave us a nail which was covered in red "protective" rubber or something like that. And I was playing with mine a little. I was rubbing it off and it was. I had ketchup on my sweatshirt, and my friend asked if it was blood. I said, "no only ketchup." She said, "Good I don't want to see my friends bleed." It was amazing that she didn't know what happened, yet her words told me it'll be ok. I never did make myself bleed on purpose nor will I ever, and it makes me feel good that I have friends who care about me. That they have words You put I their mouths.

I looked at the nail and realized what I was trying yet not trying to do. I played with it, but it never did anything and I'm glad now. Later we hammered our letters to a cross, and as we left and came back, we got to see all the papers thrown in the fire. Only You know how comforting that burning paper said to me.

We can light it up, so on the inside You can put it out. And we gonna let it burn... Burn... Burn.

All of us girls there came from "different worlds", yet we all were very similar in one way or another. We were all self conscious about something. Had self doubt. Had deep past that nobody wanted to talk about, yet at that moment in time, we all let ourselves Escape from reality for one weekend and let go of anything holding us back.

I learned I was made for a purpose, I learned I was pretty, I learned grades do not matter, my body type does not matter, my life "problems" do not define who I am. My downs in life do not define who I am. Only You define who I am. I will Follow Your Heart!!!! Only YOU know my plans...

Love Your Daughter ❤️
Love Your Little Princess 👑
~Melody💚~

*Author's Note*
There were SOOO many different combinations of songs I wished I could have used for this chapter. Just so much was going and I didn't know where to stop. So it's sort of a "combination" of Can't Get Over the Unknown and also the subtitle is "The Golden Broken Hallelujah". Hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you guys think.

Peace Out ✌️
Love Ya Guys❤️
GLL 👑💡