Tom Holland Imagines

Moving On

'Hi Tommy,' I crouched down placing the flowers onto the floor that I had been holding. 'Sorry it's been in a while I've been busy.' 

I sighed thinking about what to say. What to talk about today.

'I got that new job I told you about last week. I've been really busy. It's been good though. I love it there. Everyone's so nice.' 

Tears started to build up. However I repressed them. Tried to stop them from flowing down my face. It had been 6 months. 6 long painful months since he left us. 6 months since Tom died. Every week I went to his grave to talk to him. To feel close to him still. It was my way of dealing with grief. 

The first few months were unbearable. Knowing he had left and would never come back. That I would never see my Tommy again. For a few months I kept getting panic attacks whenever I thought about him. Which was constant. 

I didn't think I'd ever get over the pain. The crushing pain his death caused me. Months feeling like I was sinking and my only life support had disappeared. I told Tom everything that happened in my life. And when he died that was suddenly gone. I felt more alone than ever. 

'I went to see my sister yesterday. I haven't seen her in ages Tommy. She's pregnant. I'm going to be an auntie. I'm so excited. I would've loved for you to meet my new niece or nephew. They would've loved you. Fun uncle Tom.' 

A few tears left my eyes and streamed down my cheeks. I took a depth breath in my voice stuttering for a few seconds. 

'Mum still pissed off though,' I laughed lightly. 'She still doesn't like her husband. Thinks he's a bit of a dick still. You should've been there Tommy. It was funny to watch. They got in this massive argument. Not too serious. And by the end we were all on the floor laughing.' 

I guess I always talked to Tom because I was scared of moving on. Scared that I would forget him and the beautiful memories we made together. Scared I would forget his smile, laugh even the way he talked. Sacred that if I continued my life he would become a distant memory. Someone I didn't recognise or remember anymore. 

I didn't want to forget that he was such a big part of my life. I could forget the way he made me laugh or feel when he was alive. He was my whole world. My home in the form of a person. 

'My new job Tommy is amazing. So much better than the last place I worked. You always encouraged me to find a better job. I finally have. They pay is almost twice as much as I previously got. I get more holiday as well. I wish you were here to see what I've achieved. Celebrate with me.' 

The first achievement I had without Tom was painful. Almost unbearable. I didn't have someone always telling me how proud they were of me. Yes I had my family, but it wasn't the same. Tom's love and support was like no other. It surpassed anything I had ever felt before. 

I missed loving him as well. Celebrating a new role he got. Even the small things like an interview. Going to premiere with him. 

The press had been relentless after he died. Countless call and emails asking me to do an interview about his death. I wanted to honour him in my own way. Not through some crappy press story that would twist my words. It wouldn't be fair to him. It wouldn't capture how beautiful his life was. The way he lit up everyone around him. Pushing people to be better versions of themselves. 

'Oh I have something else to tell you,' I gulped. 'I met someone. I met someone a month ago. They're erm really nice. We get on well. His names Jack. He treats me well Tommy.' 

That was always going to be the most painful part. Moving on. Finding someone else. Tom was the love of my life. He treated me like a princess. His kisses and cuddles everything about our relationship was perfect. 

However I couldn't live my whole life in grief. Morning his loss. He wouldn't want me to. He'd want to live the rest of my life to the fullest. Find someone new to fall in love with. Grow with, get married and have kids together. The best way to honour his memory would be to make him proud of me. Not to forget him, but to move on from him. To live a life that he would want me to have. To be happy and achieve all my goals in life. 

'It's going really well together. I've met his family. They're so nice. I can see myself staying with him Tommy. You two would get on really well. I think you'd like him. You both have similar types of humour,' I chuckled. 

Moving on with someone new didn't mean that I wouldn't love Tom anymore. That would be impossible. However I don't think that even a new love would come close to what he gave me. It just meant I was slowly finding the joy in my life again even with him no longer in it. 

I traced the engravings on his grave. My fingers in the indent of his name. Part of me always wanted him to be standing behind me. Like I had imagined this whole situation. But when I looked behind my shoulder all I saw was rows of graves. Other peoples lost loved ones. More tears fell from my eyes as I stood up and looked down at his grave with the fresh flowers now on it. 

'I'll see you next week Tommy. I love you,' I mumbled before walking off for another week. 

Maybe one day I would stop coming. Not have to talk to him every week to feel like he wouldn't leave my memory. That there was some other way that I would be close to him. But until that day I would spend every Saturday morning speaking with Tom. Just feeling like he hadn't left me and was still right besides me. Going through life with me.