Are You In or Are You Out?

Part 16

AN: i feel like it's nearly the end.  All mistakes are my  own and the devil dyslexia 

Chapter 16

The light from outside was starting to fade and another evening was drawing in. Another evening where Emma who wasn't really Emma, she was Robyn, was wanting to fade away. She had woken up alone in her bed, she didn't really expect to wake up with anyone and reasoned that Steve most likely had things to do and why would he want to assist her anyway after what she had done. But it had hurt that he had left her alone.

Her body ached from crying and she so wished that it would just all go away. Eventually she sat up, slowly wandered to her bathroom and relieved herself, sitting on the toilet with her head in her hands hoping it would swallow her up and drown her. While she washed her hands she purposefully avoided looking in the mirror, she didn't want to see what she looked like and right now she didn't care. As she waked back to her bed, hell bent on disappearing under her duvet and avoiding life, her feelings and her living companions at all costs, she noticed the box on her desk.

Picking it up carefully she weighed it in her hands, it wasn't heavy, but the heaviness of the potential it held wasn't lost on her. Her small hands shook as she opened it. This could be the answer that she had been looking for, this could be the solution. She thought about the beast on the inside, about how it had healed her and kept her safe. How it had kept Bucky safe for her. She scoffed to herself, no one was safe, she was a monster. She had been made to be a monster. Carrying the box to the bed she settled in the centre of it cross legged. Bucky was't safe in the end, she had only just avoided killing him and she knew that she had or must have injured others. Her fingers ran over the box, it was simple and black, cardboard like a case for a posh pen. As she did she remembered the phone call with Bucky, how her fingers had run over her skin, at his words, at her thoughts of him touching her and kissing her into oblivion.

Was it real? In all honestly she didn't know, there was stuff in her mind now that she knew and stuff that she wasn't sure if it was planted or not. In a way she felt like this was worse, at least if she didn't know anything she could build more memories, now she was left with so many and no real way to tell them apart.

Now she was tapping the box with her index finger. Could she do this, take everything away and start again? What would be the outcome for her and the others. She thought about Steve, how he had been there for her no matter what she had done and her heart ached for him to be there now to tell her what she should do, or for him to just hold her and she knew that she liked it more than she should. If anyone would know what to do, surely it would be Steve. Then her mind drifted to Bucky, Steve had said that he was awake, that he would be ok, but she doubted that he would ever be ok with her again and she sniffed realising he wouldn't want her again. Whatever they had was gone. It wasn't and she knew that, but she just didn't know if it was real or not and pushed away the feelings that had started to materialise for him. She still wanted to see him, to feel him, to smell his sweet scent that was like a drug to her, but he wouldn't want that now. She rubbed her hands over her face, the weight of his inevitable rejection hitting her and she had to try and forget it, even though the feelings felt more real than other things in her mind.

She tried to sift through the information that was now just naturally in her head, her name, where she was from, her parents; her mother mainly. The vision in her mind had been right that woman she had seen was her mother, but she wasn't a smiling caring woman who had wanted her daughter to be safe. She was an evil monster who had seen an opportunity to rid herself of a problem and she'd taken it. Robyn wasn't sure if she would ever be able to get past that. That's not what mothers do.