Only Words Bleed

Ericson's Delinquents

I've been thinking about Louis's offer for a while now. Did I really want to resort back to my old ways? I mean we've had fun in the past doing it but was that really me anymore? Just because I was artistic didn't mean I had to do it. But I couldn't lie, my interest was peaked.

I really didn't want to lose everything that I had going for me now. I vowed that I wasn't going back, but Lou's offer was so tempting. How easy it was to do something like that. It would just be like old times. But did I really want to go back to the old times? If I did this would it change me back to the person I once was?

I had to stop thinking like that. But the questions burned in the back of my mind. It felt like my brain was melting from the intense heat of the questions to answers I was so desperately looking for.

I flopped back down on my bed, my head landing harshly on my pillow. It was close to two a.m. and these stupid questions wouldn't allow me sleep. I wanted to shout at the ceiling, but I knew nothing would come out. Why was this so difficult? Was it really that bad if I did this with Louis?

I mean mistakes we're gonna make them. Maybe chances I should take them. Walls needing to be broken down. Time we're gonna steal it. Love like a drug we're gonna deal it. That high I wanna feel it now. I wanted answers. But they were answers that only I myself could give.

I looked out my window. I've been talking to the stars, been reaching through the dark, been holding out my heart trying to figure this out.

Do you ever lie awake at night, staring up at a lonely sky, wondering if it's gonna drop on you like a rock on you? Yeah, I do too. Do you ever wanna run away? Get scared you'll lose your faith? Like it's all gonna stop on you, walk out on you. Yeah, I do too. We all got more questions than answers, dreams too big to lose. Sometimes you worry too much, yeah I do too.

After all, we've all got beautiful, we've all got scars. Why hide behind a filter? You're a perfect work of art. What on earth are we here for? What happens next? For all the things I think I know there's so much I don't get.

Ughhh! All these questions were driving me insane. I needed to calm my mind. Normally I would take a walk but I didn't want to leave the warm comfort of my house. The snow had melted for now, but it was still cold and I knew that it would be back. Instead, I walked over and pulled Woody out of the cage. I carried him to my bed and laid him down on my chest. I stroked his head and ears trying to calm myself. His soft fur felt comforting beneath my fingers, like petting some fuzzy slippers.

I let my mind wander to the previous conversation that I had with Louis earlier today.

——————

We were seated in the cafeteria and I had been trying out my new markers and colored pencils that I had gotten for Christmas. I'd been doing this for the past couple of days at lunch and Louis had taken notice. That's why when he showed up with an all-to-familiar binder, I knew I was in trouble.

Louis sauntered up to our usual table with a blue binder in his hands. He sat down next to me while I was drawing and placed his elbow on the table with his fist resting against his head. I tried my best to ignore him. "Whatcha drawing there Vi?"

Knowing that he would keep asking, I turned my notebook towards him and showed him the picture of a flower that I was drawing.

"That's neat," Louis said to me and I nodded in acknowledgment.

It was silent for a minute as Louis watched me draw. Nothing but the mindless chatter of our friends in the background. Then he spoke up. "Hey Vi, would you draw something for me?"

Not knowing what he was up to yet, I smiled and nodded my head.

"Great!" And he reached for the binder and opened it. I looked and my heart sped up. I saw unfinished drawings of logos and other pictures scattered on sheets of stickers.