It Gets Complicated (BoyxBoy)

Chapter 22: It's Enough

A/N:

Any bold lines will represent Jay writing in his journal and italicized lines will represent a flashback of past events.

...........

I know this is going to sound stupid, but I got back together with Ryan. Every word in this journal is telling me that it's a mistake and each time I read over a past entry I can feel the pain all over again, but I can't compare any of that to how I feel when I'm around him.

I honestly think he's the one...sure I'm in high school and have my whole life ahead of me and right now is not the time to make any permanent decisions, but I seriously think if he proposed to me I wouldn't reject him. Does that make me a bad person? Or just a dumb one?

Right now, though, I'm just focused on fixing us. Us...it's such a simple word, kinda like love, but it just means so much more than that. It's one of those labels, that simple little thing that separates him from every other guy on this planet because he's mine. I want him to be mine...forever this time.

I took a deep breath and closed my journal. This tiny leather-bound book has become so much more to me over the past few months. Granted, most entries had to do with Ryan or the life I lived while we were together; but the memories were all so powerful, like every ink blot and tear drop were happening over again.

My phone started ringing the moment I picked it up from its place on the floor. I had been expecting a call from Ryan at some point today, since Derek had called me not too long ago and gave me another one of his speeches.

............

"Hey, Jay, it's Derek."

"Long time no see." I smiled. I don't know why I always gave off these facial expressions and hand gestures when talking to someone on the phone, as if they could actually see me. I bet anyone around got a hoot and a half out of watching me.

"I heard you saw Ryan a few days ago." He sounded concerned, as always.

"You heard right." There was an extended period of silence on the other end of the phone. He was thinking. I let out a sigh, running a hand through my hair and pushing off the beanie that had been there. It was never a good thing when Derek was thinking. He would be fine one minute, and the next he'd think a while and go all adult-mode.

"Listen, I just...kiddo I don't think it's such a good thing." There he goes again.

"Why do you always have to make me feel like I'm a baby or something?" I whined. "Seriously, in a few months I'll legally be an adult."

"Well, bud, that's a few months that I would hold onto if I were you. Take some time to yourself, don't worry about anything permanent, just ya know, do you."

"Der, what's wrong?" He sounded like he was holding something back, and he never beats around the bush.

"I don't want you jumping back into things with Ryan."

I didn't respond at first. I mean, yeah, I was expecting that. It was the obvious reaction from just about anyone that I told my little story to, but it was the first time anyone had actually said it to me. Sure, I had half-kinda-maybe-not really thought about taking things a lot slower than we did before, but at the same time what's the point in being young if you don't make rash decisions in the moment?

"It's just that you both have a lot going on in your lives, and when you're together the two of you get so codependent that when one of you slips up, you both fall apart. And I just don't want either of you to have to go through anything like that anytime soon..." Derek trailed off there, giving me a moment too long to think.

"It'll all be fine Der, I promise." After that I was able to shift the conversation over to his relationship and soon I ended the phone call all together, giving him some excuse about needing to study for an exam. It was a little difficult to hold in my laugh when he agreed that studying was important, because I honestly didn't study...like, ever. But Derek said goodbye nonetheless and I continued on with my afternoon.

................

"Have you talked to Derek today?" Ryan sounded tired, exhausted almost, but I was still happy to hear his voice.

It's kind of funny how the two of them worked. They would always talk to each other and something they talked about would make each of them think of me, then within the next two hours, both of them would give me a call. At first I thought it was a tad strange and that they planned it or something, but nowadays I simply expected their strangely similar behavior.

"Yeah, he called about an hour and a half ago, why?"

"What'd he say?" There was something in his voice, some kind of immediate panic and fear that was simply out of place. I didn't like it, not one bit.

"Ry, you okay?" I was moving up to my bed, suddenly the floor wasn't too comfortable, even with all the pillows and blankets I had.

"Yeah, just a long day is all." My eyebrows scrunched together during the silence that passed between us. "Don't make that face." I wanted to smile and melt into a puddle and just be happy because he knew exactly how I was reacting without even seeing me. Hell, I hadn't said anything either.

"I can't go through this kind of thing again, Ryan. You HAVE to tell me things...even things that I won't want to hear." I wasn't too sure in my words, and I knew he would jump on the opportunity to make an excuse and back out of the situation if I didn't say something else. "I want to work through our problems together...like a real couple." My heart was pounding in my chest at this moment, and a heart attack is quite possible. In the local paper they would put the headline, "Boy Dies From Labeling His Relationship."

"Oh, Blue Jay." The amount of awe in his voice, the purity of those three words, made me believe that things would work for us. There was a hint of sadness, maybe even regret, but I didn't listen to it. I loved him and that was enough to make me believe we would pull through. "I have something big I want to talk to you about...and I want to do it in person."

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A/N:

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-Tay