It Gets Complicated (BoyxBoy)

Chapter 23: Moments Don't Last

A/N:

Bold lines will represent Jay writing in his journal and italicized lines are a flashback of past events.

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Ryan sat down beside me before looking into my eyes. "I have something I need to tell you." He had been anxious about telling me whatever this was all day. He'd just about driven me crazy with anticipation with the dozens of texts, three phone calls, and the past twenty minutes of him pacing around the room, only pausing to glance at me for a moment before continuing.

"I'm all ears." In all reality I was nothing but a bundle of nerves. We were in my room, propped up against my wall of hand prints, and now he was sitting next to me with all of his perfection and I couldn't help but rest my head on his shoulder.

"You know that you are my world, that I would never do something intentionally to hurt you, and even though I broke your trust, I don't want you to think that I love you any less than before. I've never felt like this about someone and I know it might not make much sense to you since you're only 17 and have only been with a few different guys, but I've been through my fair share of relationships and none of them have been able to make each day even more special than the last."

"Ryan-" I didn't know where all of this was going and lifted my head too see his face, his expression enough to make the words die in my throat.

"Just let me talk, please?" His eyes were begging me to simply listen, the small droplets forming around his eyelids and threatening to fall down his flushed cheek. I honestly didn't know what I would say to him at this point, so I waited for him to speak. "Before I met you, I would bring home a new guy every few weeks and always end it after a week or so because I just didn't feel that spark." He chuckled. "I know you're judging me for being THAT gay guy that thinks his relationship has to be absolutely magical for it to work."

In all reality, that was one of the biggest things that we had in common. Neither of us were willing to settle for anything less than absolute perfection, and I think that's why no matter how many mistakes one of us made, the other would always forgive and forget. It's just how we worked.

"I'm not judging," my eyes fell to the floor, a small smile edging its way onto my face. "You're like chocolate covered strawberries. You've got that hard dark exterior and then this sweet and fruity inside." His booming laugh filled the room and I felt like a massive weight was lifted from the conversation. I'm so glad I'm weird sometimes...

"What the hell?! I'm trying to have this serious moment and you go and compare me to a chocolate covered strawberry?" His laughter continued and even got louder the more he thought about it.

I watched him laugh, taking in the moment. It was times like this that I forgot about everything but Ryan. He was so carefree and relaxed and happy and adorable all the time. I wanted that moment to last forever, for him to keep laughing next to me while I compared him to different foods...

"I'm sorry, I just like food." I chuckled. "And you're kind of freaking me out with how serious you are." I looked into his eyes, those normally adorable and heart warming eyes, expecting that same joyful light, but finding that sad and serious tint that had only momentarily disappeared. "What's wrong Ry?" He took my hand, running his fingers over my skin until interlacing our fingers.

"You make me forget everything sometimes...even right now, when I made a special trip here, I just forget why I came other than just to see you." He kissed my hand. "Until you ran smack into me in that mall, I'd never experienced something so intense in my entire life. It's like no matter what I do to try and move on or forget that I screwed up with you and that you probably won't ever forgive me for doing it, I'm always just pulled back to you. Like gravity."

"Either really romantic or horrible fat joke." I tried once again to lighten the mood, but he simply nudged me with a small smile.

"You make me happy little Blue Jay..." he sniveled.

"Ryan...?" The look I received is one I will never forget. The corners of his mouth were slightly turned up in a soft smile, but his eyes held his true emotion. There was a single tear that began to roll down his cheek while I simply stared in confusion.

"You deserve the same sparks that I'm looking for," he sniveled again, "and it's not with me." Everything finally hit me at once, all the subtle hints he'd been dropping tonight and the way he built up to it finally making sense. My entire world seemed to stop, except Ryan kept going. "And I want you to be happy, but I don't want you to just think you're happy because you've never been with anyone else before."

"Ar-are you...are you....Ryan?" I was mortified, terrified, confused. I wasn't quite putting all the pieces together right, and I didn't want to.

"I'm taking next semester off to travel around Europe with my sister."

"Okay, so we'll have to do long distance. We've figured it out in the past so-"

"Jay," my eyes locked with his. "You can't wait for me."

"What?" My heart fell into my stomach and shattered into the million pieces I had just finished putting back together.

"I came over tonight because we leave on Wednesday and I can't let you put your life on pause for me. I know you've been wracking your brain trying to figure out what we are and stressing over me showing back up and that's exactly why I have to leave. I don't want to make your life complicated and I don't want you to wait for six months wondering about when I come back and if we can have another go at being us." His eyes are sparkling with fresh tears and I can feel my own vision starting to blur. "They say that if you love something, you're supposed to let it go, right?"

"Ryan, please." The tears were flowing freely down my face and dripping off my chin as I tried to hold onto him, literally. "Don't do this to us. I know I left you. I know that I should have forgiven you a long time ago, but I'm telling you now. I love YOU, Ryan." He got up from the floor without another word and started to leave my room, but I got up and chased him down the stairs. "Ryan, don't, please." He turned around with a hard expression, but I knew this face well, he was holding back all of the pain and trying to make me think he was angry. I knew it wasn't real, it couldn't be. He had said it himself before he got up, he loved me.

"Jay, I can't! I can't take away all of the experiences you haven't gotten to have while you wait for me to come back! By the time I get back, you will have grown, you'll be 18, you'll be on your way to Harvard, or Princeton, or one of those other big schools that you always talk about! What then? Huh? What happens when you leave? You'll be alone." His voice cracks on the last sentence.

"We will make it work." I nod, holding back my own tears, trying more to force myself to believe that this wasn't happening, that he wasn't leaving me. "We can work through this. I didn't work through it before and I've been regretting it ever since. I've missed you every day since I left and I can't lose you again. You are my entire world, Ryan. You're the only one who makes me feel this way."

He cupped my face in his hands and looked down into my eyes with that look of his, making my heart jump all over the place while I tried to hold back the tears, tried to lie to myself, tried to hate him, tried to make sense of everything, I just tried.

"One day, you'll find someone who makes you feel so much more special than I do. You'll live a happy life...one without me." His lips pressed against my forehead for a long moment, every muscle in his body tensed. My hands rest on his arms and I wanted the moment to last forever...but that didn't stop him from letting go. It didn't stop him from leaving me.

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A/N:

If you've noticed, this story has taken more of a direction towards the little moments in life, so I want to know about the moments that you guys, my beloved readers, have that you'll never forget. Leave a comment somewhere on this chapter, or even feel free to private message me, I just want to hear about the things that make my readers tick, ya know?

As always, I love you guys for reading and if you could leave a comment or a vote or both it would be greatly appreciated. xx

-Tay