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5:45am 3/9/2021

I have this reoccurring thought about my suiiciide plan, I think about going out to this field around 11 at night, i'll have my escape plan and drink until I die. I keep thinking about whether if I should contact A or not, i have this thought that maybe he'll save me from this nightmare but I know reality is if he sees my messages he'll ignore it, delete it and block me. I was planning on sending themm in voice memos so if I do end up passing, he can hear me from the beyond. I feel like I shouldnt because it might be too traumatizing for him, not much anyone can do though. 

I feel isolated, I fake my happiness so K can worry about himself. I worried him the past few days but by faking being better I can redeem myself. I bought things to get my mind off this rotting feeling but it only worked for an hour or two. 

Right now I can t stop thinking about scenarios about how my death will play out, I dont want to be alone but I'lll have my phone  bythen so I can reach out at the eend so they could find my body before it starts to rot or have the chance to resuscitate me 

i want to be

 at the brink of death

soon, dont worry guys, i've got another month before im gone

please cherish this time we have together, i might decide sooner

yours truly