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J VV

3:13am 3/12/2021

I've been playing video games non-stop, i'm thinking about cutting so much and i want to. A texted and I havent text back, I dont know what to say. I've been wanting to hear from him but I want to talk to him and see him but on the other hand I dont want to see him, just getting this text has halted everything i planned for the day. I just cant stop thinking, I know he just wants his sweater back but im thinking too much into it, how am i going to deliver it, should I give his other stuff back? Will he even want to see me? If he doesnt do i leave his stuff in a box outside? I cant even play games without zoning out and overthinking it all.

I finally have a small amount of friends, well are they friends? I play games with them, they tease me about everything and it was nice just laughing with them. I kept trying not to overdo it and i guess it worked out, they asked when i was getting on again and i liked it. Theyre all boys and it isnt like they're treating me special, i mean going easy on me because im a noob but it felt nice knowing I could laugh with these kids. Of course theyre younger than me but it was a nice day, im downloading more of their style games so we can switch from game to game every now and then. we even sat in the party not playing any certain games, ate dinner and i can be sarcastic and an asshole to them. I like it.

I have bad thoughts about dying every night before bed still-- speaking of, i cant sleep good anymore. I took 8 sleeping pills before bed one night and i stayed up until 9am and woke up at 1pm, its been 5am-10am nowadays, i'm gonna try to get my hands on some of those heavy sleeping pills and try to get my medical card so i can start smoking again. Not sure how i'll do that but right now I need to get out of my head.

I'm gonna paint my room, salmon pink, royal blue. The wall opposite of the window will be pink, the wall with the window blue, that way in the morning i can take pictures with the pink background and when i start to stream at night the background is a dark color. Im gonna hang up my butterflies and get large mirrors so for pictures. I havent bought a phone because I'm buying useless things, I might buy more useless things for the fuck of it. 

Yours truly,