[redacted]

Untitled Part 44

3:41am 4/27/2021

so its been awhile, heres what happened the past 20ish days.

Angel and I reconnected, we are only friends so its easier for us to move on.  

I had my last appointment for my leg and im able to go about doing what i please, I can walk semi-fine now but with a limp, it hurts sometimes but its okay.

I reconnected with Danny, he told me T was 16 at the time i was dating him, felt gross then proceeded to flirt with Danny until I lost that temporary crush I had. I told him it felt weird flirting with him since I used to date T and Danny and T are best friends so it felt wrong. He understood and wanted us to be friends, I agreed but days later found out he blocked me so that was the end of that. 

I told my mom I smoke weed and she sometimes buys weed for me, she hasnt in a week but i asked like 2 times, It helps with the pain I feel from walking and hopefully she sees me as an adult because I approach her as an adult and talk things out. 

I'm buying a phone tomorrow and it took a bit of convincing but first phone in months.

I decided that I didnt want to look for committed relationships so I'm just talking to multiple boys right now, one of them I went to school with. He admitted his crush on me, so we agreed to hang out after I get my tattoo. I'm meeting up with this other boy named Israel on Wednesday, not sure how that will go but im excited. I'm talking to another boy named Jesus, hes a bit dramatic but kinda cute. Looks like a college frat boy if you know what that means.

Ive been getting better, its been weeks since I last thought about killing myself, I havent hurt myself in 2ish months so thats progress,

I have a consultation appointment on Friday for a tattoo, Jake Diamond is my artist and I'm gonna get a centipede on my forearm. I told my mom and I dont know how she feels about it but everything is moving fast and im keeping up with it. 

My sister is leaving soon, my nephew will be going to his dads and I'll be alone again. I dont know if its good or bad, I will miss them and i love having them around me.

Kasper and I dont talk anymore. It hurts.

Thats basically been about it, oh but me and Angel had this conversation, he told me to bottle my emotions and just let them explode when its time and I've been listening to this advice every single day, I havent cried in weeks and its been helping. If i focus on it, I will cry. I always avert my attention to something else just so i can get better. It still hurts losing Angel but im moving on. It doesnt hurt to read or say his name anymore, it hurts to remember that I need to move on and Its going to take a bit before i completely see him as he sees me. Im just scared of moving on and what if he wants to get back together> I have that fear but i dont know if i should bring it up. I hate living life with regrets, I'll be sleeping soon so i can wake up early,