Untitled Part 40

3 0 0

by itahime

by itahime

4/7/2021 7:08pm

Angel and I are talking again, i reached out after a friend of his told me to and i was very scared. I felt ashamed talking to him because i thought he would think low of me, turns out he said he forgives me but i dont forgive myself for any of it. When you sit and stare at the wall for some time and connect the dots, it really was all my fault. If I had just been patient and showed loyalty we wouldnt be here, he wouldnt feel this way. I blame myself for it all and I want to change and be better so I could be with him but he's with G and he cant let her go, Its more of a do you want J or G more and I'm guessing he wants G more. I understand why but I showed him my loyalty by telling him that I wanted to move onto the next chapter of our lives and I changed and wanted to spend my time by his side but it wasnt enough I guess, I dont know what she has that has him so entranced.

He's supposed to come by and see me so we can talk things through, I want to give him this paper that means a lot to him. I hope he can regain his humanity with it, I dont want him to choose me just because I gave him something as simple as a piece of paper. I want him to be happy and if thats with G, I'll leave him alone. I can see he's going to be stuck running back to her every time and if I can save him from that loop, like he did to me so many years ago, I will be happy with myself and I wont try to kill myself.

I dont plan on telling anyone but sometime next year I'm going to attempt, I'm going to do whatever it takes to die and I dont want anyone to cry over my death. I just want to feel at peace with my death, do the things I want to before I go and that means trying for A one more time. Buying stupid things I dont need and ensuring my fish are taken care of before my time is up. I'm done with the revenge and needing everyone to feel the sorrow. I only want to fulfil my place until I'm done. Sure I might be young and I have more opportunities out there but in my heart I know its best. I know in my heart, Its what is supposed to happen.

I am grateful for my friends, family and anyone who has known me up to now. I want to show everyone how happy I can get before I go, I want to make everyone happy before my time is up. Most importantly I want to be happy before I go, even the temporary happiness is okay with me.

Everything feels surreal and hyperrealistic at the same time, my ears feel like theyre muffled and I cant comprehend anything at all. I'm at my low as of now but I know I can do better tomorrow. I just need to get through the day, If he chooses her I'm okay with it.

Forgiveness is a tricky thing, you can get hurt so badly but forgive the same person who hurt you, why? because you know they're good, they can be good and shown a little kindness can leave an impact. I know when to stop and if he wants me to stick around while hes with G, I cant do that. I know this will more likely hurt me in the end but I'm going with it anyways,.

sincerely yours,