I'm Tired || Daisuga

- Keep calm

⚠️ trigger warning; this chapter contains mentions on suicide and thoughts of self harm, as well as self destructive thoughts.

Sugawara's pov

I had no clue what the hell just happened. Why had I gotten so worked up over baking? I love baking and it's so therapeutic to make baked goods. So how on earth did it cause me to have a crying fit.

As I showered, these thoughts swirled in my head, I didn't know what to think at that moment. Everything had gone down so quickly and my head hurt a little when I thought about it too much.

Can't even get one simple thing done, pretty pathetic. My inner voice scolded me. However this time it was not my own voice but my fathers, his cruel scrutiny embedded into me like the roots of a tree. We can see how frustrated Daichi's getting, not long left until he just up and leaves you.

No, I won't believe that, he promised and Daichi doesn't break promises. I couldn't tell if my eyes stung from getting shampoo in them or if I was crying.

Who's to say? You mean nothing, not to him, not to your family, not to anyone. I let myself sink to the ground, pulling my knees to my chest and cradling myself on the shower floor. You're being over dramatic, you deserve the pain you go through. Clenching my fists, I squeezed until little crescent shaped cuts formed on my palms.

"I should cut my nails..." I mumbled out loud to myself, hissing when the hot water hit my fresh wounds.

You deserve it. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. You deserve to be in pain, in fact...

I stared blankly at my wrist, eyes watery as I trembled.

"Do I..?" I didn't notice myself voicing the thought.

You do.

"I..." my fingers subconsciously moved to touch the bare skin of my arm, nails biting at it hungrily.

C'mon, do it. I was breathing unsteadily, in a sort of daze. Just a little, it'll feel good. I was so focused on my wrist, but at the same time it felt like nothing was real, nothing was actually happening; like it was just me and the running water of my now-cold shower.

Suddenly an uproar of chanting began in my head, different voices ranging from my father, to coach Ukai and even to my science teacher all screaming that same measly phrase.

Do it, do it, do it. You have to do it. Hurry up and do it. Do it now. What are you waiting for? Do—

"Suga? Are you alright you've been in there a while?" Daichi called from outside, knocking on the door beforehand.

"A-ah, yeah!! O-one sec!" I squeaked.

I suddenly took in the entire situation, mind blank, realizing what I was mere seconds away from doing. Holy shit, what the hell am I doing? Moving quickly, I rinsed the soap from my hair and jumped out, barely drying my hair and body before grabbing the overly large hoodie of Daichi's that I stole from the closet before getting undressed. I hugged it like a lifeline, inhaling the familiar comforting scent of him. I knew I'd never have the guts to admit what I'd almost just done, especially not to Daichi, so I just had to calm down at that moment. Taking a deep breath and repeating the exercises Sawamura Asami had taught me, I felt my body loosen, no longer trembling. I wasn't aware of the small victory I'd had from calming down so quick on my own.

Changing into the hoodie and some joggers, I felt safer. Probably because of the faint lingering smell of Daichi's cologne; woodsy and almost burnt, but in a good way. He smelled like a campfire and I laughed at how comparable the two were. Much like a campfire, he was warm and welcoming, making everyone smile. When I finally slipped out of the bathroom and back into Daichi's room, he looked up at me from the bed where he was sitting, on his phone.