full throttle || h.s. ||

fifty-five || life imitates art *

the song for this chapter is "Slow Down," by Chase Atlantic :)

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Harry

   My heart was beating so erratically that it made me feel nauseous as I kissed her. I couldn't believe what I had just admitted out loud. What she had just admitted out loud. 

   "I...I'm not very good at this sort of thing...at caring about someone," I mumbled against her lips as I kissed her. 

   "Me either...not like this..." she agreed, making me feel slightly better.

   But inside, there was still a storm going on. I made a firm promise to myself four years ago that I would never get attached to anything or anyone ever again. It seemed dramatic, I know...but...when you've felt loss...true loss...you never want to risk feeling it again.

   There were so many happy memories of other people haunting me behind the cloth-covered canvases. And my one and only happy memory was currently moving her lips against my own. This moment seemed so delicate...so fragile...like one wrong move might cause it to fall apart.

   Now...I know what you're thinking...

   Harry...you kill people. How can you say you want to protect others from feeling loss?

   Well...I'm not going to get into detail...but...the people I try to protect are very specific kinds of people. The people that I kill...even if they aren't the worst of the worst...they still had it coming. They all were involved in some sort of shady thing. Even Miller...he had it coming too. Turns out, we weren't the only people that he owed money to. 

   He had been decreasing his employees' paychecks and siphoning the extra income for himself. He caused a lot of people to have to struggle paycheck to paycheck, while he blew all his money on drugs, women, and gambling.    

   Maybe one day I'll get into more detail about the people I try to protect...but...I am not ready yet. Not right now...right now...I was kissing Finley.

   It felt amazing to kiss her in a new context...but it terrified me at the same time. 

   "This scares me," I interjected again between a few soft pecks.

   "Me too," She mumbled back, trying to soothe me with that sweet voice of hers. 

   I just...I didn't want to let her down. She had already suffered from the hands of one worthless piece of shit who made her believe he cared about her...yet put his hands on her. I didn't want to be another wound to her pure heart. 

   I would never hit her. I would never intentionally cause her emotional pain. But...when you struggle to let yourself feel secure and happy like I do...it can leave a trail of pain for anyone who crosses your path. 

   I knew she deserved the world and more. She deserved the whole Universe. And I was just Pluto. And even though I was a small speck part of a bigger something...she deserved all of that something. And I wasn't that. I don't think I ever could be. 

   She must have noticed my wandering mind, for she stopped kissing me and placed a hand on either side of my face, staring into my eyes with her slightly puffy lips, a few strands of hair hanging around her face, which I instinctively reached up to brush away.