full throttle || h.s. ||

sixty-eight || sunbeams, songbirds, and him

the song for this chapter is "Sweet Emotion," by the Kooks :)

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Finley

   Sunbeams, the smell of freshly washed sheets, birds signaling to the rest of the world that they were awake and that we should be also. The occasional hum of an old truck driving down the empty early morning roads. The voices of moms walking together while pushing their young children in strollers, still quiet and sleepy, allowing the moms to have some peace before the rest of their days unfolded. A strong arm wrapped around my waist. Legs tangled halfway under the sheets, and halfway hanging off the edge of the bed. Curls tickling my neck from the close proximity, and short breaths fanning against my shoulders.

   I'd say that my morning was off to a wonderful start. 

   Harry had forgotten to close the curtains again. I was going to remind him before bed, but in all honesty, I quite liked waking up with the sun. I slept very well for someone who had as rough of a night as I did. 

   Some people considered a rough day to be running out of coffee. Others deemed a bad day to be having numerous tests on the same day. 

   I considered a rough day to be nearly having my brains blown out by an explosive device in my helmet. Anything better than that...seemed like a pretty damn good day to me. 

   And after that rough day, it felt good to open up to Harry. It felt good to tell him aspects of why I was the way that I was and to have been able to do it at my own pace. 

   Setting aside the fact that Jax ended up being an abusive piece of shit, he did have other faults in our relationship. Things that I failed to take too much notice of until being outside of it.

   He was clingy, and not in a good way. I didn't let him control me, but boy, did he fucking try to. At the time, I found his numerous texts and calls while I was hanging with my friends to be sweet and endearing, but then it got to the point where I couldn't hold a five-minute conversation without him sending me a text.

   He also lacked respect that I never knew how badly I needed...the respect of allowing me to just be, without prodding to get inside my head. 

   If I had seemed upset and Jax asked what was wrong, he wouldn't stop after I said I didn't want to talk about it. He would incessantly question me, invade my personal space, and my headspace, and do anything and everything necessary until I finally told him what was wrong, or at least offered a believable lie.

   Harry, on the other hand, knew when I needed to be left alone, or when I just needed someone there to sit in silence with me. And most of the time, he knew it without me having to even open my mouth.

   I didn't tell him about Jax because he was my boyfriend, I told him because he was my friend and because I genuinely wanted to. 

   And in the same way, when he opened up to me, I knew it was not because he felt obliged to. It was something that both of us wanted to share with each other, with no outside influence other than our own individual minds and wills. 

   My heart broke for Harry's sister. It broke for her in that she had been in a relationship with someone that she probably once loved, but then that same person had made her suffer, physically and emotionally. It hurt because that love ended up taking her life. It hurt because she probably had to put on a happy face for so many people, even though she was so unhappy inside.