full throttle || h.s. ||

fifty-eight || self defense

the song for this chapter is "Hell of A Life," by Kanye West :)

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Finley

   Harry saw the obvious signs of my panic attack that was approaching quickly. He continued to rub his hands up and down my shoulders in an attempt to calm me down, and I did my best to steady my breathing.

   "Finley, I know this is scary, okay? I'm scared too. But I'm here now, and as long as I am here, no one is going to hurt you or your friends, okay? I mean it when I say that I will do everything in my power to protect you," he spoke quietly like he only wanted me to hear it. 

   I knew that he was telling the truth. But the issue was...I knew that he wouldn't always be with me every second of the day. There would be times where I was alone, where I was more vulnerable than others. The thought of it brought me back to that dark night where Jax cornered me in my bathroom. 

   Jax was someone I had known well, someone whose patterns I thought that I could predict, and I still ended up taken by surprise by him that night. Harvey was someone I had never met, and he was already sneaking up on me around every corner. 

   I reached my hands up and placed them over Harry's, closing my eyes and taking slow and deep breaths as I calmed myself down. Over the years, I had learned that even though some people could help ease my anxiety, at the end of the day, I had to be the one to pull myself out of it. It sounded quite pessimistic, but I never wanted anyone to be the cure for my problems. Because even the best people couldn't always be there when I needed them to be, and so, I had to learn how to be there for myself.

   Harry didn't rush me as I did this, nor did Lars or Willa try to interject. They all allowed me the silence and solitude that I required to calm myself down. Once I managed to clear my head enough, I opened my eyes, finding that Harry was already staring at me, his eyes showing a sense of pride at how I had handled myself in the midst of the chaos occurring within my mind.

   His lips quirked up into a small smile, and he nodded at me as if to check if I was good, and I nodded back in reply.

   I turned my head back towards my two best friends, who had clear signs of relief on their faces, and small smiles on their lips as their eyes darted back and forth between Harry and me.

   "Could you guys give us a second?" I asked gently.

   "Of course, Finn, take your time," Lars nodded, Willa giving me another smile as Lars looped his arm around her neck and the two of them walked back over to go into the pool house. 

   "I'm so sorry that I wasn't here," Harry instantly apologized as soon as they were out of earshot.

   I shook my head instantly at his words. "Harry, I can't, nor do I expect you to be here at all times. As nice and comforting as that idea may sound, you have a lot on your plate. It's not logical for me to put my safety in your hands," I assured him, gliding my thumbs over his knuckles, his palms still resting on my shoulders. 

   "But I want you to be able to do that," he stressed, looking slightly hurt at my words.

   I smiled softly at him. "I know you do. I know you want to be able to do it all. But I am a very realistic person, Harry. I know from experience that danger has a tendency to sneak up on you when you least expect it, and from the last people that you expected it from," I continued, his face falling a little bit more as I spoke.