Words

Different Worlds and Emotions

I feel like depression is another world, the same with other feelings such as happiness or anger.

Whereas happiness is a better world, filled with rainbows and unicorns...depression is the more darker world. Where voices call out to you and try to drag you down to them, where they can tell you lies. Lies that no one should ever need to hear, call you names that you've heard too many times. That ominous shadow will pull you to their level, so they can tell you what they've been through, and how they never made it out of the shadows. Where they can talk to you and force you to self harm and try to commit suicide.

Parents shouldn't need to see their kids go through such a thing, where their eyes are dull and they seem like a zombie.

My parents shouldn't need me to scream at them that I'm pathetic and I shouldn't be their child. My parents don't need to hear that I should've killed myself when I had the chance.

Yeah, that's exactly what I told my parents over the weekend. I couldn't handle the pressure and my emotions exploded out of my skin. I cried for an hour, wanting for the voice to go away and never come back.

But it stayed, and I can feel it's hand looming over my shoulder, patiently waiting to take control of my body. I don't want that, I want to be happy like I used to. My fake smiles and laughs aren't cutting it anymore, I laugh because I'm happy but I don't truly feel it.

As I write this, I feel as if I'm not in control. I feel like the voice is letting out my thoughts and emotions, but I want it to slowly crumple up and die in a fire, where it can be burned into ash. But it won't, it'll keep fighting me as long as I live.

But...what if I don't want to live anymore? What's the point in living if you're only going to die in the end, what's the point in trying to survive where you could die early or late?

Why is it like this, how can I keep myself sane? I want to be alive, not in the shadows. I don't want that red liquid dripping from my wrists again, I almost did it again this morning. I knew the voice had taken control but I fought back, I don't want that!

I want to be free from this prison! Please! I just want to be happy, leave me alone!