Poems to forget the first... And the last

Ache

Why does everyone leave me on read?
All I ask for is to not be alone.
I'm afraid...
Am I not useful to you?

Tell me the truth
Even if it hurts
I've been in worst.

Even if you leave
I'll let you pass even if it was a mean tease.
"The people with the biggest hearts are the most broken people" isn't a joke.

I just want to be useful
I just want to be there for you
I just want to feel better about myself
I just want them to say the truth

I've never had someone there when I needed them the most.
I've never had someone that understands me
I've never had someone who knows me better than I do.

And I just ask myself if it's always my fault for your pain.
I always cause someone to break, and I don't want you too be like that too.

Even if you say all these sweet things
I just wish nothing dull will happen to us.

If something were to happen and you leave in the end
I too lose myself and what I hoped for would be in dread.

Yet, life let's something come and go
It's just how it works.

I've been having the ache for a while now
And I feel weak knowing you saw that side of me.
I don't want to lose you.
But I just don't say how I feel because the fear of you getting bored of me

Annoyed of me

And leaving me alone in this time that I too need you the most when you think that I'm just being way to clingy along with having your attention is not what I want you think!

I just don't know why...
I see you smiling at others
Enjoying your time
Being social with the ones who speak to you
And too being very friendly to the opposite gender makes me wonder if you would rather stay with them rather than me.

I lied to the one who asked if you were a part of my ache
I text you because I would like to spend time with you and ignore the voices in my head saying "he is tired of you trying to talk to him" "you're probably interrupting his time" "he doesn't love you like how you love him"

But I also text you because I'm afraid if you lose interest in me because I don't always start the conversations

She too saw me cry and asked me today, "you looked sad, what happened?" Because I cried on the fucking wall because of this strange ache I get every time when I feel like I'm not enough for your happiness.

I ask why I am like this everyday when I feel like shit
I ask why I feel this ache grow deep within my chest
Hiding the fact that I'm hurt inside because I don't know if it's because of me not able to speak properly.

I'm insecure about how I look
How I dress
How I do things my way
And how I'm speaking because I can't understand my first language I ever spoke before english.

I do overthink
I do over love
I make up scenarios that might or might not happen
Because that fear of losing the people that are special to me leave me.

People come to me and ask me for help
I give them the care they need
I give them all my attention
I give them the advise they need
I even give them words they needed to hear because it seems like no one wants to say what this person wants to her them say!

And look at me...
I don't get the care I needed
I don't see people listening to me and run to someone else
I don't have someone to talk to about my problems
I don't hear what I wished people say to me because

I solve their problems
I gave them kindness
I gave them everything I could give them.

And I wish to get everything someone could give me too because

I want to say my problems, but don't because I would end up in a mental break down in front of you
I see the kindness that you give me, and care for me, but the voices in my head say the opposite
I can see you doing everything you can to help me from this place, but I would also like to know if I too can help you with your problems, because that's how big my heart is.

Yes, you see me laughing, smiling, chatting away with my children as if we had a good mother and daughter/son connection, but it still aches inside every time I feel like you think of me in a bad way even though you're not.

I'm sorry if you don't understand what I'm saying.
I'm just saying everything that I said from 2 days ago.

Anyway, if you need me with anything, I'll be accepting it. Even if I don't say that I'm overthinking, you now know what's been killing me inside, Dumpling🥟 ♥️💜