Begin Again

Part 11

Almost done 🥰

🍃🍃🍃

"... it still doesn't make sense to me...", Mila says as you both lie in the grass looking at the night sky while holding hands. Of course she didn't leave you alone now.

"This... you know... I knew it! I knew their first time was in a fucking car. Wonho told me about this. Hannah hates when Jooheon tells this story but well he did that one night. But the timelines didn't match with that what happened to you at all. I thought they started dating around November... and you know what? The only thing I said to Wonho was 'Yeah this girl loves to get fucked in a car!'", she facepalms herself and you can't help but laugh. "Should've seen Wonhos face... he thought I was crazy..."

Again you laugh. But you know you're only laughing because you would cry hysterically if not.

"I didn't add this up. There was no reason for me tho... I mean. Everyone fucked everyone in this town. Even I dated Joo in Middle-School? I didn't even feel the need to tell Joo that Kyun fucked his now-girlfriend... what for? And I didn't want to risk my life and tell you that Joo dates Hannah I—"

"Please, Mila. Would you stop explaining yourself?", you chuckle. "This wasn't your fault at all... the fact that it all never came out makes me kind of proud. Because you kept this secret even from your own partner..."

You hate yourself so much. You thought running away was the worst thing you ever did. But leaving Mila alone with this, facing all those questions of the others she didn't have an answer to... this breaks your heart...

"Can I ask you something?", you ask and look at her. "But I need you to be brutally honest with me. You can't hurt me anymore okay?", you chuckle and Mila nods.

"Of course..."

"Do you remember what you thought when I told you what I saw? If yes. What was it... be honest!"

Mila looks into the stars for a long moment until she sighs and turns to you.

"That this doesn't add up", she whispers. "Not even a bit. I mean a saw Kyun the days after you left and ... he wasn't even able to talk to another girl, not mentioning having sex with one..."

This really breaks your heart again. He must've been so devastated. All these times you thought that ... you knew he would be sad about you being gone but thought he'd distract himself with other girls and eventually fall in love with one of those distractions...

"Why didn't you tell me back then?", you ask desperately. Maybe it would've helped you reconsider. Helped you to think about this again and make Mila finding out the truth about what really happened that night. Mila sighs and lays her hand on your cheek.

"Because you needed this, didn't you?", she whispers. "Your entire life you wanted to leave and you didn't plan to fall in love. And suddenly this love stood in your way to leave this town easily. You needed this feeling of him hurting you.. to cut ties for good. And then you refused for two years to tell me the truth about how unhappy you were... And then it was just too late for digging up this grave again..."

Yeah, you did that. After leaving you were so convinced you did the right thing. So convinced that no matter how hard life seemed it still was better than staying in this town. You didn't want to lower your guard and tell Mila how unhappy you were. You didn't want to admit that you made a mistake. That was the only time in a lifetime friendship you weren't honest with her. The only time it probably was the most important thing to be. Mila probably still wouldn't know the truth if you hadn't had this mental breakdown during one of your Skype dates.

"Kyun said the same...", you say in a low voice. "that I made this up so I won't crush under the weight of destroying everything..."

Even after all these years, he seems to know you better than anyone...