Fantasies

Cardigan (Part 1)

Camila and I have known each other since we were kids.  We went from strangers playing hopscotch until the streetlights went on, to teenage lovers spending summer nights enjoying being young, wild and free.  I remember walking her home and kissing her under her porch light before she'd wrap her baby pink cardigan around her sunburnt shoulders and give me one last look before going inside to avoid the wrath of her parents for staying out so late, and coming home smelling like a bonfire.

To our friends we were the adventurous couple.  The modern day Peter and Wendy.  Always carefree, always believing in the "magic" of the stars we'd spend nights under, wrapped in each other's arms, talking about our future.  I remember the nights we'd dance in the streets, her in her heels and sequined dresses, while I always stood back in my Levi's and let my girl take over the spotlight.  She was my everything; even when other girls tried to take my attention, it was still Camila I came back to.  It was still her sweatshirt my hands were under as me made out in the back of her dad's car, or her hands ripping at mine when we made love on my bed before my parents came home.  Everything about her was tattooed on my heart, her lips engraved on my skin like a forever memory.

The college years went by and as much as we tried, things didn't work out.  We fell out of love, but never out of friendship.  So many times I tried to change our ending; but it was always the same.  Peter losing Wendy.  I knew it was a matter of time before something or someone else would capture her heart, and take her away from me.

What I wasn't expecting was for it to be a war. 

Camila has always been selfless.  She cares about everything and everyone so deeply.  It's what makes her an incredible nurse.  She followed in her father and uncle's footsteps, and without me knowing, straight out of college enlisted in the Air Force as a nurse.

It was the first thing she'd ever kept from me.  The day she left for basic training, I couldn't even look at her.  I was bitter. We had once been each other's everything; and she was my best friend. Why wouldn't she tell me?

I didn't show up for her send off and I didn't dare go near her family, or her boyfriend at the time.  Nick and I never got along. I hated him for having what I'd had and still wanted. He didn't treat her like the queen she was, and he never appreciated what she gave to him. He hated me just as much; probably because he could see the stars in my eyes every time I looked at Camila.

Foolishly, months after she'd deployed overseas I tried to reach out to her.  It was a mistake and I knew when she didn't return any of my letters that she'd truly moved on from me.  The Wendy to my Peter was living her own adventure as a strong and independent woman. Although I was extremely sad; I knew in my heart of hearts I was proud of her. I had to be. She was doing something so brave and selfless; something that I would never do.

Two years had gone by and I'd heard around town that Camila was still overseas, but that she'd broken things off with Nick.  Catching him with his hands up a new girls skirt in the alley behind the town grocery store was proof of that. 

What I hadn't gotten over was chasing her shadow in that same grocery store in the checkout line.  Even after all this time, even when I wanted to hate her for leaving me, I couldn't help myself. The more I thought about her, the more she consumed me.  I wanted so badly every time I saw a small, petite brunette for it to be Camila.

My Camila.

My once in a 20 life time kind of love.

I tried being with other girls, but no one compared to Camila.  My best friend and my forever love.

God I'd been so mad at her when she'd left, I'd let myself forget that above all else, she'd been my best friend.  I'd probably hurt her more than I'd hurt myself when I'd done that; but who was I kidding?  She was smart not to tell me her plans because if she had, I'd never let her get on that train that took her away from me.  I would've selfishly asked her to stay for me.  Stay like the bloodstain she left on one of my shirts after she got in a fight to protect me one night when I was so drunk I'd almost lost my wallet and my keys if it wasn't for her kicking some random guy's ass.  Her bloodstain never came out of that shirt, and now, I never wanted it to.  It was one of the only tangible things I had left of Camila Cabello.

It was a late summer night when I was visiting my parents who still lived across the street from the Cabello's when we saw a big, black SUV pull into their driveway.  Two men in uniform stepped out.  My heart dropping to my toes as they proceeded to knock on the Cabello's front door. 

I knew what this meant.  This scene in the movies always meant bad news.  Tears slipped out of my eyes as I watched Alejandro answer the door and fall to his knees.  The two men comforting him as Sinu joined them, Sofi not far behind.  I watched as the three of them broke down.  I watched as the two men left and the front door to the neighbors house closed.  In that moment my heart stopped beating. 

Was it truly possible that Camila had been killed?  Was it possible that I'd never see her again and that she'd never know that even with the time and the distance between us, I loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone.  I loved her more than I loved myself.

For days I didn't leave my apartment.  I'd shut my phone off and ignored every knock on my door or ring of my doorbell.  Nothing was going to make losing my best friend and the love of my life okay.

In what seemed like a sick twist of fate, I needed to go out and get food, but tripped over a medium sized box just outside my front door.  Throwing it across the room in anger, the contents spilled out of the box.  A flash of baby pink catching my eye.  Slamming my door shut, I slowly walked to the damaged box and picked up the baby pink that had caught my eye.

Camila's cardigan. 

Her favorite damn cardigan. It was worn, and stained from the many times she'd spilled a milkshake on it, or from rolling around with me on the sand at Miami Beach.

Tears instantly welled in my eyes as I clung to that tiny piece of fabric like it was my only lifeline.

Going to throw the box away, a dirtied envelop fell at my feet.  Picking it up, I recognized her handwriting.  The front said "Don't leave me unread Peter!"  I cracked a sad smile and let out a small laugh as I walked to my couch and sat down.

Opening the letter, I tried to read it through my tears.

Shawn, my dear Peter,

First of all I'd like to say I'm sorry for not telling you I was enlisting in the Air Force.  For some reason I couldn't bring myself to tell you until I was already leaving.  I think a part of me knew you'd keep me here, and that even after everything, you'd be the one good reason to stay, but when you didn't show up to say goodbye like I had hoped, I knew I had a good reason to go.

I spent so long thinking you didn't show because you were mad at me.  I still don't know if your mad at me, but if the letters you've been sending me are any indication of how your feeling, I don't think you are. 

Things have been crazy here and we are constantly under attack.  This is so much scarier than I had ever anticipated and it's nights like this were things are peaceful for once that I leave my tent and look up at the stars.  I like to think that you're looking at them too and the comfort in knowing we are looking and sharing the same sky makes me smile.

Enclosed you'll find my baby pink cardigan, something for you to remember me by of god forbid those men in uniform ever show up at my parents door step.  I'm not on the field like the men and women are that I help take care of, but that doesn't mean I'm not in danger.  I always remember you telling me this was your favorite, that I was your favorite and I hope to this day that's still true.

Take care of her, don't just throw her under your bed like you did with our prom pictures and my underwear from that night (lol).

I hope to see you soon so I can wrap myself in one of your cardigans.  The deep blue one has always been my favorite, reminds me of the sky on a clear blue day at the beach with you.

Don't forget me!

Forever and always your Wendy,

Love, Mila.

I probably read that letter a thousand times and each time like a knife to my heart. A self inflicted wound because this cardigan is all I have left of her.  I'll never get to hold her in my arms again, never get to kiss her lips or feel her warm skin under my fingertips.

The world is so cruel.

In my hurt, I throw her letter and her stupid cardigan across the room and decide I don't need food after all.  All I've ever needed, all I've ever wanted is Camila; my Mila, and now she's gone.  The men in uniform were proof of that.