Fantasies

Always Been You

There's something about her.  The way the light hits her eyes when she looks at you; there's a sparkle even the stars can't compare to.  The way her body moves when the beat calls to her; captivating you, pulling you in.  The way her voice acts like a salve to fix all the broken pieces of me.  Everything about her reaches places in me I didn't know needed saving, or that even existed until she came skipping into my life.

I've known her for awhile.  We've played this little game; danced this little dance and still she's out of my reach.  We want each other, we can't have each other.  She wants me; I'm with someone else. 

She's called me with her lips, captured me with her hips; and I've fantasized about having her in all the ways my head tells me I could. But I can't have her.

Do I love her?   Yes

"I can't have her." I say.

"Why can't you have her Shawn?" My therapist asks.

"She's with someone else." I say simply, sitting there emotionless as my mind flashes through all of my memories of her.

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Like I should've said it. How I felt, about her much sooner than I did." Leaning back on the couch.

"Why did you wait?"

"Because when it comes to matters of the heart; you can't control the timing.. when your heart says 'when'; that's when you make the move; I guess."

"Do you regret it?" He asks, half curious, half serious.  "When you told her?  Haven't you told her before?"

"All of it." I say sadly.  "I've told her before, but it didn't mean what I wanted it to back then.  I meant it when I told her a couple months ago, more than I ever have; but that doesn't change that I still regret it."

"Why?"

"Because she's with someone I can't be.  I obviously can't give her what she wants or what she needs and deserves."

"What does she deserve Shawn, and why couldn't you give her those things?"  He asks.

"She deserves someone who knows who they are, or at least is on the right track.  She deserves someone that adores her; that can tell her how he feels without having to swallow his pride.  She deserves to be loved; by someone other than me." I say, letting out a shaky breath as my head drops into my hands.

I hear him continue to talk to me, but I can't focus.  Admitting it out loud for the first time since she left me sitting alone on stage that night; when I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her; while she's in a relationship. With someone else. Older, smarter, manly.

I was a selfish idiot that night, pouring my heart out to the only girl I've ever truly loved.  The only girl who never used her friendship with me as a means to an end.  The only girl who has ever gotten me through the roughest days in my life simply by existing.

"Do you want to fix it? If you were given another chance, would you take it?"

"I don't know Dr. Carlson." I say firmly.

"I think you're in a better place now Shawn. I think you know what you want; you're just afraid of the rejection again." He replies.

"Of course I am! I can't lose her completely. At least what we have is still hanging on by a thread." I say angrily.

"So you'd rather hang on by a thread?"

"Yes? No? I don't know!!" I say running my hands through my hair.

"Tell me what you want Shawn."

"Why? It won't make a difference." I shout.

"Tell me what you want Shawn." He says again.

"No."

He says it again. And again. And again.

"Damnit!" I scream. "I want her! I want her so bad I can't breathe without her. I want her because every song I've ever written is about her. For 7 years I've been fighting myself, talking myself out of being with her because how could she want someone like me?" I say standing up and begin to pace.

"Are you done?" My therapist asks.

"No!" I sigh. "I'm not!" I shout again.

"I want her because I can't imagine a day without her. Because that stupid boyfriend of hers doesn't know why she likes bananas with every meal, why she wears her heart on her sleeve. He doesn't know that when she's sad, she writes in her journal, or does yoga or meditates. He doesn't know that when she's happy her smile lights up the whole room. When she sings, it's hard for people to breathe because her words are her truth and she reaches places many people are afraid of. He doesn't respect her fearlessness. He doesn't appreciate that she just is. She's Camila and that's it. That's all she ever needs to be."

"Did you tell her these things? When you told her you loved her?" He asks quietly.

"What?" I ask confused.

"Does she know the reasons you love her?"

"I don't know....but she should!" I mumble walking towards the big window in his office. Watching the cars go by below, what feels like hours, is really only seconds before I hear the door open.

"She does now." A small voice says from the corner of the room.

My body heats, my eyes widen. I turn to see her. Standing in the corner, looking as beautiful as ever.

"Camila?" I squeak, shocked to see her. "How much of that did you hear?"

"Enough." She says.

"Great...fucking great!" I curse under my breath.

"Did you mean it all?" She asks.

Looking into her chocolate brown eyes, I lock my gaze with hers.

"Every word. I always have." I say quietly.

She smiles to herself as she takes steps towards me. "Always?" She asks, cocking a brow.

"Always." I nod.

Finally reaching me, she's only feet away.

"Good. Because it's always been you." She says confidently as she steps closer. Her body doing to me what it always does.

We don't even acknowledge the door opening and closing behind us, leaving us alone.

Leaning forward she leans up on her tip toes, her lips ghosting mine. "It's always been you Shawn Mendes; I love you.  Always." She whispers in my ear.

"Always." I repeat before our lips touch. A fire igniting between us. One they in that moment, I know can't be burnt out. I have her. Finally.

Forever and Always.