Fantasies

All of You

Part 1 - The Falling Out

"What are you saying Shawn?" my lip quivers as I lose myself in his eyes like I always do... This time though his eyes don't match what his heart is telling me.

"I'm saying I don't think I can do this anymore Mila.. I love you, I do baby. I love you so much it physically hurts me, but.." he sighs as he looks at me in anguish... Like talking to me is ripping his heart out and serving it on a silver platter for his enemies.

Trying to stay strong and not get swept up in the turmoil sweeping inside me I do what I've always been taught to do in difficult situations.. Breathe, grin, and bear it.. Fucking breathe through it and find a way out...

The madness of this conversation was sprung on me no sooner than we got off the plane after a wonderful trip to Jamaica. I think somehow I knew deep down it was a last ditch effort to salvage our relationship. We'd been fighting more and more the last several weeks. Always over the same thing.. His love of touring, and my love for some down time and stillness while the world around us continues to fall apart.. Fucking madness... all of it.

Looking tenderly into those brown eyes I've come to love so much more viscerally than I ever expected, I finish his sentence and metaphorically nail the final nail in our relationship coffin..

"But you don't love me enough to continue in the peaceful bliss with me. You're heart is with your music and making thousands more people happy than continuing to fight for me.. for us."

"That's not exactly what I was going to say baby and you know it" he argues. But it's too late. His face has given away his true heart and the words he need not say.

"I don't think you get to call me baby anymore Shawn. Quite frankly I don't think you get to call me anything at all anymore.." I sigh heavily in defeat as the love of my life looks at me conflicted and broken. "I can't fix you and I'm not going to try anymore. The words unsaid are enough of a hint for me. I love you Shawn, I do. I love you with all of my heart, and I truly thought you'd be the love of my life..." trying to suppress the tears threatening to break free I grip my fists tighter and deliver the final blow.. "but I can't be with someone who'd rather choose their career and their fucked up friends over me." Heaving out a breath I continue. "I can't love you how you want me to.. I can't sit on the sidelines and watch your doctor caress your arm or touch you in ways I should be doing.. I can't watch your girl friends pine after you, lusting and feasting after you as if I'm not even there. You've been blind to it your whole life, and to say that I'm the one you've written all your songs about seems a little far fetched when we've reached this place after coming so far..."

Not giving a damn anymore, the tears break free as I slump back on the couch.. He had to go and ruin a perfectly good moment on the precipice of sex with his mindless babbling on. "I can't be with you anymore.... I can't do this anymore Mila.." Never once an I'm sorry.

As my tears fall and my sanity dangles off the edge by a thread, I look one final time at the man I've given my whole heart; everything to, and watch as he almost disintegrates in front of me.

"I didn't know that's how you felt Camila.." he whispers.

"You have your priorities.. Clearly... I'm just sorry I didn't see it before. Sorry I was blinded by my deep love for you that I thought we'd be forever." I sniffle as he moves closer to me, only for me to back away. "Don't touch me Shawn. I love you, but you've made it clear you don't want that luxury anymore. You can clear you're things out in the morning and I'll have Andrew book you a flight back home."

Standing with what little strength I have, I walk to stand between his legs, gently cupping his swollen, wet cheeks from his own tears. "I will always love you Shawn Peter Raul Mendes... always." I whisper as I kiss his lips for the final time. "I'm sorry I wasn't enough.." I leave my parting thought to linger on his lips as I leave the room and exit my house to the waiting car to take me to the airport so I can get to Miami.