I Hope You're Okay

Subject: I Ran Out of Class

To: sophiecorallancaster@gmail.com
From: bethanyroseobrien94@gmail.com
Subject: I Ran Out of Class
Date: 15th February 2014

In class today we were learning about suicide. I couldn't stay in there because it made me think of you. I darted out, and Harry found me scrunched up on the floor of one of the empty hallways crying my eyes out. He sat there and held me tightly, whispering "it'll be okay", in my ear. But right at this moment, I don't believe him. I thought things were okay. I thought I was dealing pretty well with such an extraordinary and heartbreaking situation, but maybe I've been in denial? I've been learning about denial recently. Some people dissociate (in English, that basically means to "disconnect or separate themselves"), so that they can survive whatever trauma(s) they've experienced. The problem with dissociation is that you will eventually be triggered and your delayed reaction will pour out of you. I think that's happening to me now.

I don't sleep anymore. Did I tell you that? Or do you already know? I blame it on the countless exams and assignments, but the real reason is you. I can't shake what happened out of my mind. I keep replaying it over and over, trying to work out what I could have done differently to stop this from ever happening. The problem is, the more I learn about mental health, the easier it is to spot the signs of your tragic demise. Then, in turn, I sleep less because I can't stop beating myself up over what I missed, and what your family missed. But then I have to remind myself that this was not your intent when you took your own life. You didn't want me to spend 10 months wearing only black and blaming myself for what had happened, you wanted me to happy. And I'm going to try really, really hard to do that. Harry bought us tickets to see Adam Hills (the Australian comedian, the one I have the biggest crush on, do you remember?) live next week, so that should be a good laugh. Who knows, I may even go crazy and wear a coloured shirt. We'll see.

I hope you're okay.

Love, Beth x