Affinity

Piece By Piece

••Taylor's POV

I can't let him go. I can't stop thinking about where he is, what he's doing to cope. I've tried everything. It's been almost a month now. No contact, no way to check if he was okay. I shouldn't care, but I do. I can't help it, I love him but I shouldn't. I don't know if you really know if you truly love someone until you are given a chance to forget them, and you can't.

It's like there's a barrier of getting over someone that's been higher than ever before. I'm tired, though. I'm lonely, I miss him. I'm empty and weaker without the person who kept me strong. It makes me insecure, I'm so much more aware of things, what I'm doing, but not in a good way. I'm searching for things I'm not doing right. Little things I'm not doing right, something that's out of place.

But I was tired of the empty promises, he had me up so high just to bring me crashing down again. Maybe it's my fault, I'm the one making this worse by telling him to come back. But he hasn't. I gave him a choice, what if he didn't choose me? What if my waiting was for nothing? What if he wasn't trying to find himself or me..

All this love I gave to him, for nothing. I remember the times we spent just talking, me in his arms, his heartbeat against my shirt. And we just talked until we got tired, then we kissed.

The memory strikes a pain in my chest, and I take a shaky breath that apparently is too loud. It gets me a look from Karlie.

"You okay?"

"Fantastic," I say, my tone coated in sarcasm. She sighs.

"Sorry." She says quietly, avoiding my gaze as most people had tried to do. Even she couldn't give me advice I didn't already know.

I feel bad for the tone but it's like I'm held captive by the emptiness. I need space but I need someone around me just as much. I've just been holding back from everything; press, interviews, promo in general. Just for the hope he'll come back, I can't miss that. It's easy to forgive him, I feel like I have to make myself remember why I'm making him do this. Forgetting him, trying to make myself forget him for the time being, on the other hand, turns out to be a lot harder than i expected.

He needs time, and I'll give him that, because I do love him. I never stopped loving him, when I said that I loved him, I meant it. I was never questioning it like he was. But part of loving is letting them have their freedom, coincidentally, this was me letting him have his choice, his freedom. He could come back or he could go. But from what little I think I still know about Adam, he wasn't going to do either without thinking it fully through and doing what I have asked. So, if he was to come back, he'd make sure he knew for sure. That's all I can be sure of about him.

I can't help wondering what he's thinking, wherever he is. What way he's leaning. What he's set his mind on.

"I'm sorry, Karlie," I sigh. "I'm just stressed, I guess."

"It's okay, I understand," She says. "I'd be the same in your position."

I nod and run a hand through my hair. There was a few things lately that have gotten my mind off of Adam. Brit had asked me to be her maid of honor the other day, which was huge and gave me so much of the happiness that I needed. I had SNL a couple nights ago too, which was hilarious. I'm just going through my routine, trying my best to be my happiness but I am anxious. It's getting pretty obvious, now.

"How's Josh?" I ask. We're in the process of getting ready for an interview for the Vogue power cover shoot that we did together. GMA. It's just a quick one so I can manage.

"He's good, yeah. I think we're going to go on a cruise soon, he could use a vacation," She says, glancing upwards as the makeup lady, Melissa, touches up her mascara.