Unnatural Instinct: Amazon

29.

You feel so good. I could hold you all day. When I heard the sounds of battle up ahead I feared the worst. We took too long to get here and you could have been dead!

If there is a Goddess, she must be looking down on us.

It was so close. You're covered in blood and you sway a little on your feet. Sweat is pouring off you. Our mouths meet for the barest of moments before you pull me away. You're frowning. Your hands are painfully firm around my shoulders. It's clear you're angry at me but what is done is done and I am here now. With you.

I'm not going anywhere.

You don' t speak, only touch my cheek before reaching down to tighten my fist around my axe. 'Stay at my side,' you say.

'I'll protect your back.'

You give a grim smile before turning back to the battle. Shereen is already lost amid the chaos. I hope he survives. I hope any of us survive. My heart is racing. My thighs are tight. I wipe away the sweat beading my upper lip with a trembling hand. The axe suddenly feels so useless.

For the past four days during our training I was feeling good. Though my stomach was tied up in knots at the prospect of an oncoming battle, I felt pumped. I felt like I could make a difference. Seeing all this now ...

I feel so small.

There's so much screaming and shouting and wailing. It stinks of blood and shit and sweat. The women are so ferocious they seem twice as big. You take my slippery hand as I watch one of our sisters spear a Northerner in the guts. To my right I see a Northerner smash her opponent's head with a war hammer. I stumble as I watch our sister fall to her knees, her pulpy head sitting at a sickening angle. Stupidly, all I can think is how real it looks. As though screens or books could ever match the real thing.

Then I see how many of the enemy there are and how few of us. Even with our reinforcements, we're going to lose.

We're going to die.

It's sweltering. It's suffocating. The ground seems to vibrate beneath my feet from the ferocity of the fighting. It's all moving at lightning speed—I can't keep up. There are women all over the place, enemies and allies alike. So much is going on as I look everywhere, as my eyes dart around the trees. I follow in your wake as you swing your axe. I haven't been of use yet. Quite frankly, I don't know what the hell to do. Everything seems so large, so fast and out of control.

It's all a blur.

Then a Northerner appears from my left. You don't see her but I do. She is so enormous. She seems like a giant, filling my vision as though she's as big as the world. Bloodied face. Wild eyes. Mouth pulled back into a snarl. She seems more animal than woman. How can I defend myself against that? Then I realise that she hasn't seen me, focused on you. Or, at least, she doesn't consider me a threat enough to bother with.

I raise my axe, just as she raises hers. My hands are surprisingly steady as I race towards her with a scream. Too late, her eyes meet mine. They only have a chance to widen before I slam my axe into her belly. The axe is ripped from my grasp as I continue forward, staggering against the momentum of my charge. I look over my shoulder desperately as I collapse to my knees. She's on the ground, on her back, howling, as she grabs at the axe's slippery handle. Blood is gushing out of her mouth.

The jungle spins as I stagger back to my feet and rush over to you. I don't have time to be sick. I don't have time to absorb what I've done. The breath rattles in my chest. The blood throbs in my ears. You haven't noticed what's happened, focused on your opponent as you clash.

After my first 'real' kill, we make a good team. I prove to be somewhat useful, if only to be an extra pair of ears and eyes. But it doesn't change the fact that we are losing. At every minute that goes by, more and more I succumb to the blackness of despair.

At some point this is all going to come to an end, and the thought that I might witness your death, that I might see you writhing and screaming on the ground like the others, that I might have to endure watching your eyes film over like Grippla's did, turns me cold.

If we're going to die, let me be first.

I get my wish.

She's so quick I don't even see her before it's too late. In fact, I don't see her at all. Only the spear soaring through the air. Everything suddenly slows, my life reduced to milliseconds. The cacophony of the battle muffles into near silence. Even the blood rushing in my ears is gone, though I can feel my heartbeat. I feel it like I've never felt it before.

The spear doesn't hurt, not even as it pierces me through. I feel the thud of it in my bones, though. I don't fall to the ground. The power of her throw makes me stagger backwards but somehow I manage to keep my feet. I look down at the huge piece of timber sticking out of my guts as though confused.

This isn't really happening. It can't be.

I grab at it, not knowing what else to do.

A sudden weakness seizes my body and drops me to my knees. I collapse to my side, still staring down the length of the timber, still thinking it's just not possible, that this must be a dream.

I can't be dying.

I don't know what's happening. Is my attacker going to bother finishing the job? What about you? Where are you?

Then it hits me—the pain. Just like that I feel every millimetre of the weapon inside me, entangling with my nerves, burning through my muscles and organs and arteries. I can't describe it. It's like someone's twisting a drill into my stomach. I want to scream. I want to cry. But there's even too much pain for that. All I can do is grimace and groan. Then I cough and something comes out of me—blood. It's hot and sticky and utterly terrifying. I feel sick. I want to vomit. A terrible coldness sends my skin prickling.

I look up into the trees in a daze, still clutching at the spear as I cough and splutter and gurgle. I can't seem to catch my breath. The coldness turns to ice. It's hard to keep my eyes open.

But then I see something—you. Just a glimpse above me. You're so pale. You're so terrified. You open your mouth and I know you're calling my name, I know you're speaking to me, but I can't hear you against the ringing in my ears.

And I so desperately want to hear your voice, if only this last time.

I fight to keep my eyes open but the darkness sweeps me into its depths.