Ghost Guardian

Chapter 12

972 words 

Pip and I have been watching over Alex. They move uptown. It's quiet. Alex has never liked the quiet before. 

"There are moments when the words don't reach. There is suffering too terrible to name. You hold your child as tight as you can. And push away the unimaginable. The moments where you're in so deep, it feels easier to just swim down. The Hamiltons move uptown, and learn to live with the unimaginable." Angelica sings to herself. 

"I spend hours in the garden. I walk alone to the store. And it's quiet uptown. I never liked the quiet before. I take the children to church on Sunday, the sign of the cross at the door, and I pray. That never used to happen before." He writes in a letter to me that he'll never send. Just to get his thoughts down. He used to do that a lot. Not to me, but to his mother, when he did something he was proud of. Sometimes, it was to his cousin or his brother. He stopped doing it after we got close and he started after I died. I miss him. God, I miss him. I wish I could be there to comfort him, but I can't. I'm on this side and he's on that one. It's like a one-way window or something like that: I can see both of us but he can only see himself.

One day, Phillip came running to me.

"Bluie, Bluie! Guess what?"

"What?" I say with just as much enthusiasm as him. 

"Pa can see me!"

"Wait, what?!"

"I know! Let's go see if he can see you!"

We walk over to where Alex is. 

"Hey, Pa!"

"Yes, Pip?"

"Can you see him? Can you see Bluie?"

"Who's Bluie?"

"Me," I say at the same time Pip says, "Him!"

"Pip, stop messing with me. There's no one there. I get that this 'Bluie' may be a coping mechanism for you, but he doesn't exist. Okay?"

"Alex! I'm right here!" I choke out. "Pip! Tell him! Please!"

"I can't, Bluie. You just watched him deny your existence," he says apologetically. 

"It- its- I- I'm- 'm-" I stutter. I leave before Pip can ask why. I don't want to talk about it. I get that Phillip is his son, but I'm only his dead boyfriend. Don't worry about me. I think savagely. 

They start hanging out more. I just want to move on. Get away from the place where I'm clearly not wanted. 

I go check on Angelica. 

"If you see him in the streets, walking by himself, talking to himself, have pity." I can't do this. I leave. 

When I arrive to my destination, I see Alexander and Phillip talking. 

"Phillip, do you like it uptown? It's quiet uptown."

"Yes, I do, Pa."

He is working through the unimaginable. I think, remembering what others have said. And I haven't? I died when I was 27 and I have been watching my ex-boyfriend f*ck up his life for the past, how long? 20 years? 15? I don't know anymore, and frankly, I don't give a single f*ck anymore. He can go f*ck up his life even more as much as I care. And you know what? Phillip can stay with him! I. Don't. Care. With that, I leave. 

I don't know where I end up. I see Eliza. Goddamnit! I can't seem to leave him, can I? I stay, though. I watch the kids. I watch Eliza. I won't lie: I'm jealous of her. She got to marry Alexander, all I got were a few stollen kisses at 3 in the morning when I was trying to get him to sleep for once in his goddamn life. She gets to kiss him whenever she wants, not that it happens very much anymore.

"Look at where we are." I'm brought out of my jealousy by his voice. "Look at where we started. I know I don't deserve you, Eliza. But hear me out. That would be enough. If I could spare his life, if I could trade his life his life for mine, he'd be standing here right now, and you would smile. That would be enough." I look over. I see Phillip. He is standing right here, but she can't see him. "I don't pretend to know the challenges we're facing. I know there's no replacing what we've lost and you need time. But I'm not afraid. I know who I married." But she doesn't. Not anymore. She doesn't even think she does. She doesn't want to. "Just let me stay here by your side. That would be enough." You're lucky you're still in the house. They walk outside. Phillip follows. 

"If you see him in the streets, walking by her side, talking by her side, have pity." I mutter to myself. 

"Eliza, do you like it uptown? It's quiet uptown." 

"He is trying to do the unimaginable. See them walking in the park, long after dark, taking in the sights of the city."

"Look around, look around, Eliza."

"They are trying to do the unimaginable. There are moments where the words don't reach. There's a grace to powerful to name. We push away what we can never understand. We push away the unimaginable," I sing on the verge of tears. 

They are standing in the garden, Alexander by Eliza's side. She takes his hand. 

"It's quiet uptown." It's the first time she's talked since Phillip's death.

"If you see him in the streets, walking by her side, talking by her side, have pity. They are trying to do the unimaginable." I sing. Suddenly, it becomes too much. I make eye-contact with Phillip before leaving. I have no idea how I'm feeling and I'm not going to go to anyone who can see me. What is wrong with me?

A/N 

Thanks for reading this! I'm not feeling very talkative today, so, that'll be it. 

-Asher