whatever it takes

Chapter 12: Engagement Parties

*Song: Cupid's Chokehold/ Breakfast In America by Gym Class Heroes*

t/w: there is a brief incident of choking and not in a fun way at the beginning. I just want to warn you in case that can bring up some bad memories; talks of PTSD; smut 

The room was dark. I felt pressure on my throat and when I opened my eyes nothing was there. But then the force got strong and it felt like my airway was constricting. My eyes were looking everywhere trying to figure it out.

My hands were frantic trying to find Ben. Trying to find him to help me but that was when I realized what it was. It was the force and Ben was doing this in his sleep. 

The pressure only lifted slightly and I was able to yell at Ben. "Ben. Ben, please stop. please please stop!" 

I was met with silence. The force tightened and I couldn't even lift myself off the bed. I was panicking. I was going to die. That wasn't what scared me. Ever since joining the Avengers, I had been preparing to die. What scared me was Ben would wake up eventually and would find me. He would blame himself. That scared me the most because I knew him. I know he will break if he blames himself. 

It was a fight or flight moment and I chose to fight. I relaxed my body enough that I could feel the force following through me completely. With all of my might, I used the force to throw everything that was on me off of me. When I did this Ben was woken up and I could see the confusion turn into regret. 

His eyes conveyed everything he was feeling and most of all in those eyes of whiskey I could see the pain. At that moment he truly believed he was a monster even though he wasn't. It was an accident caused by PTSD. Not that it excuses it but I work with soldiers, I just understood.

Ben's hand gently reached for mine. "I am so so sorry. Are you okay?"  I could see the tears forming in his eyes while he spoke. 

"I'm fine Ben. Really I am but what happened? Was it a dream?" 

He didn't speak. He looked down at his lap and nodded. 

"Ben you can't do silence right now. You have to talk to me. That can't happen then you don't address it." 

He finally looked up. I could see his eyes rimmed red. My heart broke but I wasn't about to let him not face his issues just so he could keep his comfort. 

"I fought Luke." 

"Okay and?" 

"I can't." 

"Ben you can. You are just trying to take the easy way." 

He stood up and start pacing the room. I could see the conflict drawn upon his face. He was internally fighting himself. He was fighting actually opening up. 

It seems his demons didn't win because soon enough he walked back and sat down on the bed in front of me. His hands reached for my temples and then I saw it. I saw everything. I saw the events of yesterday but then it went to his childhood, then to the temple, then I saw the night he became Kylo Ren. It all made sense. He really didn't choose that life. He was pushed and pulled into it. 

"Oh, Ben" was all I said as I pulled him into me. 

"I'm so sorry Ophelia. I-I didn't mean to hurt you." He said while holding onto my waist. Not in a sexual way but in a way of comfort and need to be protected. 

"Shh, Ben it's okay. I'm okay." I spoke quietly while my fingers threaded through his hair. 

We stayed like that for a while. The sun had now fully come up and I could hear people passing through the halls going on about their days.